My poem: Hold the cup high

The rain can threaten to fall
but the sky can remain as bright

I can cry
but how would countless flow change things

I can cry
but in the end I still have to dry them, myself

Let the rain falls if it wants to, no point holding back (it couldnt either)
but after that, I should
draw the curtains in my heart to welcome the sun

Maybe the sun is not scheduled to shine immediately
but I can wait for my share

Maybe this emotion will last till it evaporates
but I took the first step to keep them refrigerated

The writer's note
I jus thought the water that went up into the clouds will fill the glass differently from the rain that falls back into the glass.

Going for an interview first thing in the morning tomorrow. And a recruitment drive in the evening. Wish me good luck.

Suddenly I was on this i-should-start-trying-to-be-happy mood/ mode. Haha! Hope it lasts and achieves it eventually. But I shall make a list of things that I want to achieve in the short term. Shortest term, in fact.

Top 10 things I want to achieve in the shortest term (not in any order of importance, because my mind cannot rank 10 things in such a way- a bit too complicated for a tired brain)
1. Eat regularly, appropriately (in terms of portion) and healthily (resist temptations, not from food but my sister. food doesnt walk up to you and get you into the eating mode, but your sister, at least mine does)
2. Continue my exercising routinue
3. Try to be happy
4. Try to be more independently
5. Spend less time on the computer for unimportant things, and spend more time either finding a job or studying
6. Get my things organise, including my room. Its pointless to have a tidy room only on sunday nights
7. Try to spend more time with my family
8. Try to treat myself better
9. Try to get enough and regular sleep
10. Find my orientation in life

Its monday morning only, but I am so tired that I wish I hadnt any lessons today. Or maybe its because I dont like mondays anyway. But I only had like 8 hours of sleep for the last two nights, so you can imagine how sleepy and mood I am. Anyway once again I know that work numbs a person, but of course if you are numb in the first place, you arent really in the mood to work. But if you start, then you keep on going already. Maybe its God's plans for me to be really busy tomorrow, so I probably would head home after class straight away today and see if dear me could sleep as my body collapses onto the bed. Today the sky is blue and grey in colour, dont you think so? I guess I saw it with my heart. Anyway I agreed totally that I am jus so greyish at times. Argh, should improve. Lessons time.

I changed my msn nick a million times within that few minutes I was online. Alright a million times is a bit too much. But ya. If you are online, and if I couldnt see you, you would be able to read those nicks. Jus want to say that I jus thought I had a great birthday last year, and I wanted you to feel that kind of happiness as well. It would be nicer if wy was there with us. Then it would have been more fun than it was. I dont think you would be reading this, but I jus want to say that I never thought of changing our friendship, so dont worry about that bit. But birthday surprises is fun for the birthday child as well as the planners, so dont worry. At least we ate the cake too. And the cake is not that expensive, your place is not that far (quite, but jus take it as a break from my readings and term paper), so dont feel bad, dont feel guilty, dont feel that you have nothing to talk to me already. It wasnt meant to be so. It was jus meant to be something from us all. And if anyone knows who this message is meant for, jus let that smart guy knows. I dont think he wants to talk to me now. (The above are all based on my feeling, instinct and guesses. If I am wrong, then great. If I am right, then ya, preciously this is why I am writing it.)

My msn nick meant what I wanted to say if I am only left with one sentence to tell you: Dont need to avoid. I did what a friend would do. [Uncontactable] means I wouldnt reply.

And ya, I am not really in the mood to talk on msn now, because (1) I dont want to talk about whats on my nick (2) I cant think of anything else to talk besides whats on my nick, which preciously was that topic I didnt want to talk about.

My story: I am a black and white TV

http://www.siying.blogspot.com/
Friday, January 28, 2005 Wrote: Was walking up from the library then I realized everything is so different. Remembering the old times did I realize that because each time I walked around in campus, it wasn’t just sights that accompany me. It was sound, noise, voices, laughter, smiles and fun. And they have since disappeared. I wish this wasn’t a cross road.

But like what my msn nick says, I'm trying to get used to my life [Uncontactable].

That was how I felt like yesterday- a black and white TV. I don’t think I ever watched TV from a black and white TV, though I saw one from the colored TV. Black and white TV in today’s modern setting represents an abandoned, forsaken object from the past. They used to play an important role in people, their relationships with their neighbours (we always know that neighbours without TV would go over to families with black and white TV) and their entertainment. But now, their most justifiable place in society are collectors’ homes or the museums. And the great thing was, I felt like one. Even one with broken speakers. Probably black and white TVs don’t have speakers, but I think you get what I meant. I was the black and white TV in which the volume wouldn’t work either.
Each time when I used to go around campus, sight was not my only companion. I didn’t particularly admire the trees and planting they had around and about. I didn’t think much about the new fake walls that they start building around the toilets, neither did I think much about looking at them like I never would have a chance too. I still have a few months, or even a year more to look at them, but I realized they weren’t the same as before. I always thought that it is when your last chance would you see things differently. Little did I know that actually things could be different when life is different.

Like I wrote, in the past, sight was never my only companion. In fact sight was never the lead actor. It was sound, noise, voices, laughter, smiles and fun. I wouldn’t be walking around the campus with my receiver blasting music in my ears, or listening to other people having conversations. Neither was laughter only an image in front of me. Smiles were never meant to return other people’ grin. Fun was never mentioned in the past tenses. But they seemed to be reality now. I was in the computer lab alone. I was on the computer terminal alone. I was in front of the photocopying machine alone. I was in the library alone. I was searching for books alone. I was having lunch with myself, alone. I was on my own, alone. I was in the classes alone. I was out of classes alone. I was studying alone. I was trying to study alone. Loneliness never seems so close to me before. I mentioned before, sometimes I don’t know if it is lonely because the day is long, or that it is long because I was lonely? I guess I would never get that equation right.
And so what was the hardest part of loneliness? I kept feeling like each day in school is like a battle to be won, but of course I was a losing warrior. Better still, a colour blinded warrior with much limited speech.

The writer’s noteJust completed the textbook readings for this week. Yap, lots of readings to be done week after week. Sometimes I don’t know what was retained, and which knowledge is meant for which module already. But all these are part of being a student, and I am definitely not complaining. Had been playing this role for the most part of my life, probably the best role I ever played. So long that sometimes the longer I am a student, the more afraid I am for life not being a student. You get too comfortable being a student; all your core competencies (sounds so business-like) are built around being a good student. Which would all change the moment you graduate. Oh actually, the moment you start looking for a job. Sometimes I really can’t believe that I am already at this stage of my life already. I am still so young (maybe 21 is old), still so new to many things, still so dependent, still not mature enough, not grown up enough. Not long ago, I was still a fresh college graduate, then I was still so new in campus, and then I was still learning how to function well in university, then I was attending 21st birthday parties and preparing for my own. Now, I am already at the door of the corporate world.

Probably sooner or later, my msn nick would be: Feeling like a black and white TV [Uncontactable].

Been to alot of places today, but dont know what I achieved.

Anyway ya you were quite right, the noodles were enough to last me till tomorrow. Jus that dad bought Mac's chicken prosperity setmeal, and I shared it with my sister. The twister fries were not as nice as A&W's but ya since they are no longer here, it was alright. The burger is not nice at all. I think the chicken foldover would be Mac's best additions in recent years. Oh the noodles are really quite nice, jus that its a bit oily. And ya went chinatown at almost 6pm. Wasnt that crowded, or was it because I was lonely at heart? Got stuff mostly for my friends, except for that hello kitty decoration (see photos later). Sy asked whats so nice about chinatown? I guess it was nice to me because (1) I hadnt been to chinatown during cny till I was about 19 years old. Okok I know you must be wondering
where on Earth was I before that? But ya actually I was in Singapore still. (2) I had been to chinatown less than 15 times in my life. I think you can trust my maths this time. Only that while buying stuff jus now, I jus dont know how to add 3.80 + 3.80 + 2.80 together fast enough. The! (3) The first time that I went to chinatown during cny period was 2 years ago. And after coming back from there, I officially declare that its cny for me! I guess it was because I never experienced such redness and crowdy festive feeling before.

I guess Operation31 aka o31 was over. But I am not sure if you were happy. Think more unexpected than anything. Ya like what I said, I dont know what I achieved though. Anyway another lesson that I learnt today is that the world really is a round shape. Because when you are good to someone, that someone is good to someone else and that
someone else is good to another someone else and it goes on and on. If only what is in front of me turns around, then it would be excellent. But I dont think it is ever going to happen to me. And I dont know if and when I would be the one to turn around, turn elsewhere.

Listening to sweet november's touched by an angel. Heard that its quite a nice movie. Maybe I could get it somewhere to watch it during cny. Dont feel like going anywhere besides the necessary visiting. Jus want to stay home, hug my pillow, watch and weap over some lovely dovely shows. On my list is `Yesterday once more already. Maybe I could also get `A walk to remember and `My brother (which I dont think legally it is available).

Today I am feeling rather happy. Ok maybe happiness is overstated, but at least I am quite alright. Guess the two hours of nap did wonders to me. As well, I have completed the textbook readings for this week. Yap, lots of readings to be done week after week. Sometimes I dont know what was retained, and which knowledge is meant for which module already. But all these are part of being a student, and I am definitely not complaining. Had been playing this role for the most part of my life, probably the best role I ever played. So long that sometimes the longer I am a student, the more afraid I am for life not being a student. You get too comfortable being a student; all your core competencies
(sound so business-like) are build around being a good student. Which would all change the moment you graduate. Oh actually, the moment you start looking for a job. Sometimes I really cant believe that I am already at this stage of my life already. I am still so young (maybe 21 is old), still so new to many things, still so dependent, still not mature
enough, not grown up enough. Not long ago, I was still a fresh college graduate, then I was still so new in campus, and then I was still learning how to function well in university, then I was attending 21st birthday parties and preparing for my own. Now, I am already at the door of the corporate world.

Anyway hadnt been feeling well today, but should be better now already. Probably going to do my readings later. Got to work on my term paper soon.

Titled: The sinking heart

Yesterday, my heart puts you down
Today, you got it all tight up once more
Tomorrow, would you be gone?

Let me be the first to leave if it has to leave
so that your happiness is left visible only in my imagination
when otherwise
their imprints would only make my tears wetter and last longer

The writer's note
Sight really makes the memory last longer. I think if I am a tv now, I would be a black- and- white- tv, with broken speakers..

Anyway I had not been keeping to my meals regularly and at the appropriate time. Its like having late breakfast, lunch-cum-dinner at almost 5 and feeling hungry at this time of the night. Its bad isnt it? Though I had been eating rather healthily (except for the garlic bread, some coke, some chips, some biscuits), the portions are getting smaller- jus like what kittens would eat.

Was walking up from the library then I realised everything is so different. Remembering the old times did I realise that because each time I walked around in campus, it wasnt jus sight that accompany me. It was sound, noise, voices, laughters, smiles and fun. And they have since disappear. I wish this wasnt a cross road.

But like what my msn nick says, I'm trying to get used to my life [Uncontactable].

And I dont understand half the stuff they were talking in the discussion jus now. If I cant even understand all that, how can I everthink I would be able to do my honors thesis?

Lonely and cold and hungry in the library, doing my research for one individual term paper.

If I will lose it tomorrow, I must learn to let it go today. Thats my thought. I guess I was jus asking myself WHY, but I know I will never get the answer. But I will get it if it is because there is no answer. Then again why is there no answer. Anyway I already decided that perhaps I have lost my way temporarily. So what I would do now is to get back on track and get used to it. I'm trying to get used to life.

Went to collect the photos. Thought it was alright. Think the studio did a great job.

Anyway today's round table discussion had been quite an experience, though there is something I dont totally agree. It says that: making a wrong decision is better than not making a decision. I think that I will still continue to learn to make a decision, than to make a wrong decision jus because I need to make a decision. I know I am pretty slow at a lot of things, but I will learn. I used to think that there is no hurry to change myself, change myself to be whatever people expect of me. I still believe in that, but now I know what I want to see in myself and I will move in that direction. I know I wasnt very confident in a lot of ways, but I will keep reminding myself of all the things that I have achieved. I came in alone but I have been doing so much. Maybe I still cant imagine myself doing all those great things, but I must dream big. If I have a dream, I will find the way up. I know I am very dependent on a lot of people, but like what I said, I am now trying all my best to get used to life itself.
Playing on the radio is david tao's Ai-wo-hai-shi-ta! Like it.

Dont know if I can fall asleep already as I am quite tired already, so shall stop reading.

This poem is titled as: Sadness bug
Its so easy to hide sadness
because sadness doesnt cause a red, running nose
Its easy to be sad
because sadness hits me faster than my heartbeat

If I will record down my mood for each single day, by the end of the year, I would have invented a whole new range of mood-faces.

Today I have this super duper funny thought: pink syrup are for girls and the black ones are for boys. Haha! You had that kind of reaction when you heard this. Ok you can start laughing, especially students from the medicine school. But its jus that I always happened to be given pink syrup whenever I am sick (not long ago as well), and you were drinking the black one today. Oh, and they gave you the blue tablets because (1) you are a boy and (2) you are wearing blue. I smiled. No wonder I am that girl in the corporate dressing. You wouldnt think my mind is filled with such childlike thoughts as you see me!

Ok I really like this poem! It is titled: You are my void

The void
was taken up by my bag today
But it remained empty, in my heart
I tried to pour all the memories I had of you into it
But I cant seem to keep it from flying with the wind.

The writer's note
Today I had lunch alone. Lunching alone is a no-fuss affair. Find a seat- Queue- Buy- Eat. I left my bag on the seat facing me, so you could say I had a lunch- companion. But that doesnt really count.

Title of this poem: Holding you.

There are so much of tiny memories we shared
Too little to hold on to
But nothing to look forward together

I left before you break away
But never too far apart
By then
I already saw the pieces left behind

The writer's note
Today while you walked away, I stood there to track as you diminishes before my eyes. When something dropped off from your bag, I waited for you to pick it up. But you went ahead. I know, when you walked off, you never would turn your back. It will take the next meeting to see you, because farewell is literally farewell. So I took the step forward, hoping to pick it up for you, but at this moment, I saw your face. I didnt need to shout, I didnt even need to speak up. I signal to you and you bent forward to pick it up. Then I turned, so that I wouldnt need to see you disappear before me. When you reappeared, I saw you walked towards me. If that is it. It never was.

Today my friends and I were discussing what have I gotten from the university life. I know this will be something that I would soon write about. After which, my university life will end. Even though there is always this option of doing honors, I feel that my heart has already lies with the other path. I know if I took these steps, I will sway towards the corporate lifestyle. Am reminded me how much I wanted to honors back then. Which was true. That was on my thought each single day. I was very motivated and everything I do, I want to excel in it. Then I went through a very tough semester, yet it was the most rewarding throughout my years in university. My friends who had been there agreed as well. After that semester, I qualified for my honors. The happiness was undescribeable. This was it.
But I told you before that actually qualifying for it had already fulfill much of my dream. I couldnt say that I no longer want to do it anymore. But there are more things about it that I am afraid of now. I gave up many things so to work towards honors, but I gained much more as well. I am not closing that door, but I would like to move on and see
how things will come about. But I know that the university has done me good. I will never be who I am today if not for what I had gone through. I would never imagine myself able to speak confidently in front of people I barely know, I would never imagine myself doing good projects, I would never know how to dress like a corporate lady (though I am so much of a girl at heart!), I would not be this mature, I wouldnt be me. I know there might be regrets, but I dont regret having them. They made me into who I am today. If something was different, then I am not me today
anymore. Incidently, the three of us were from the same marketing class in our first semester in business. Fate isnt it? I never knew the two of them while in that class, but now we were sitting and chatting together.

On a lighter note, I have never seen someone who is so afraid of the hot weather than you! I am afraid of the hot weather but the cold weather (I mean the cold air-conditioning environment) too. But you, you are the one. You are so much like me. I am so much like you. Ok maybe the latter makes more sense since you are older than me. :) You and me, wanted so much to be ourselves. And to be unique because we dont think anyone else is ever similar to anyone else. So you are not like me, and I am not like you. But we are similar often in terms of our attitudes, characters and tastes! And besides our mindsets, our likes and dislikes, do you know what else are we establishing our own brand? The things we own. I know the rest who are reading about me might think that I (or we) are spoilt, but I
dont deny that. The only thing that makes this character trait (spoilt) more justifiable is that we spend our own money of those stuff, or when my parents willingly offered to pay for me. We often own things of high quality, status and uncommon among our peers. The stuff arent that cheap, but not beyond our capability to pay. Like my dear fxc bag! I jus love it!

When you are away, I wish you are here
But why is it that,
When you are here, you are still away from me...

If I love, I never hestitate to know you are doing good
If I hestitate, its because of what you have

Such a coincidence, while I was walking to the computer lab I saw you..

Why are you always so near yet so far?

Oh I didnt realise that there is another type of people that I absolutely cant stand besides hypocrites- draggy people. I dont mean indecisive people, because I am one also. Haha! I think indecisive people cant decide because they (1) dont know what they want and (2) they want the best. Maybe its my excuse for being indecisive myself, but I am alright.
I am still growing up to become a better- myself. No hurry! And I know if I am with you, I dont need to make decisions. If I cant decide, I will order what you order. I will eat what you eat. I will drink whats going up your straw too. And by the way, this is also a decision made- which is, to trust you. What I meant by draggy people are people who cant even get a simple thing without dragging and delaying and wondering. They makes you feel like you are watching some clown (literally!) performance. Anyway it irritates me so much that I have to blust loud music (jay's) into my ears. Think something is wrong with the speaker tonight, dont know why its not that deafening enough. Not calming enough.

Oh and I like david tao's Ai-wo-hai-shi-ai-ta (loving me or him). I think that there are times when you dont know how to make decisions because you cant compare them like weights, lengths or prices. But I dont think this should be the case if you love someone. Because if you love someone, your heart is totally occupied that even if there are other people around, your heart fails to notice them. Of course, thats jus what I felt.

Anyway, I realise the irony is, often, you dont remember the details of things/ people you see everyday. Yet, you happened to spot the details for things/ people that you would only see once in the while. Maybe that will explain the two sentences below:Things on the shelves, look attractive Things in your pockets, used to look that attractive too?
Oh suddenly thought of this nike bag that I really like. Its in shades of grey and purple, and of course bright pink! Its really nice, even my friend agreed!!! Super duper cool. But I wouldnt be getting it, because its quite expensive (60+) and I would rather spend the money on corporate stuff haha!

I am quite tired actually, because after coming home, I went out to re-take the digital photo shoot again. Its going to be a long and lonely day again. I wonder if it is lonely because the day is long, or that it is long because I was lonely? And by the way, I didnt see Addias again. I guess it didnt matter too much because he didnt know what I am too. Its jus that I am lonely. Probably thats the sign of me being insecured. You know that.

Oh I didnt realise that there is another type of people that I absolutely cant stand besides hypocrites- draggy people. I dont mean indecisive people, because I am one also. Haha! I think indecisive people cant decide because they (1) dont know what they want and (2) they want the best. Maybe its my excuse for being indecisive myself, but I am alright.
I am still growing up to become a better- myself. No hurry! And I know if I am with you, I dont need to make decisions. If I cant decide, I will order what you order. I will eat what you eat. I will drink whats going up your straw too. And by the way, this is also a decision made- which is, to trust you. What I meant by draggy people are people who cant even get a simple thing without dragging and delaying and wondering. They makes you feel like you are watching some clown (literally!) performance. Anyway it irritates me so much that I have to blust loud music (jay's) into my ears. Think something is wrong with the speaker tonight, dont know why its not that deafening enough. Not calming enough.

Oh and I like david tao's Ai-wo-hai-shi-ai-ta (loving me or him). I think that there are times when you dont know how to make decisions because you cant compare them like weights, lengths or prices. But I dont think this should be the case if you love someone. Because if you love someone, your heart is totally occupied that even if there are other people around, your heart fails to notice them. Of course, thats jus what I felt.

Anyway, I realise the irony is, often, you dont remember the details of things/ people you see everyday. Yet, you happened to spot the details for things/ people that you would only see once in the while. Maybe that will explain the two sentences below:Things on the shelves, look attractive Things in your pockets, used to look that attractive too?
Oh suddenly thought of this nike bag that I really like. Its in shades of grey and purple, and of course bright pink! Its really nice, even my friend agreed!!! Super duper cool. But I wouldnt be getting it, because its quite expensive (60+) and I would rather spend the money on corporate stuff haha!

I am quite tired actually, because after coming home, I went out to re-take the digital photo shoot again. Its going to be a long and lonely day again. I wonder if it is lonely because the day is long, or that it is long because I was lonely? And by the way, I didnt see Addias again. I guess it didnt matter too much because he didnt know what I am too. Its jus that I am lonely. Probably thats the sign of me being insecured. You know that.

At least now I know it isnt me that would have such a thought- when you are sick, you realised how good it is like to be healthy. So stay health. That reminds me that I actually forgot my VitC. Better keep myself healthy since I am going to be deprived of much sleep this week.

Guess what? I sounded excited, dont I? I saw addias! Its the third week of school and its the first time I spotted him. And I jus mentioned on my taggy that I hadnt seen him yet. The last time I saw him was more than six months ago. He went to this place where I would have been there. Wonder how had been the last semester for him? Of course I wouldnt know, neither would he know that someone is curious about that. But alright, of course I remembered the time- Tuesday 1:10pm, the toilet near SR1. But I dont think he is going to use the toilet at this time every tuesday. So its a one-off thing. I wonder what modules he is taking! Because of so many people that I bump into, I jus couldnt seem to bump into him somehow. Jus that moment that I saw him- he is no longer with his jacket, addias jacket that is. But yet another black jacket. He changed his shoes (though I think he jus love that few colours) and his hair looked well maintained. He looked thinner than what I remembered him to be. I know nothing else about him besides all these. I couldnt even remember his name. All I could remember is if we would to take the same examination (which I dont think so already) he would be taking his about ten seats in front of me keke! Of course he wouldnt have remembered me from his accounting class nor know that I gave him this nick. Neither would he know that I still remembered that he used to have yong dao fu for breakfast, all by himself, very early in the morning. But I will always remembered he was the first person I met (without knowing) in this place!

But of course after the excitement dies off, which dies off especially fast when you hadnt had anyone to share it with, you started to feel fatigue. Yesterday, I would wish that they (someone but I dont know who) would skip all mondays for at least the next four months and wish that they would give me two tuesdays per week! But there was no one to share my addias- excitement with me such that I almost forget its a tuesday. My mobile battery is running low, so I had to switch it off. I think my own energy level is declining rapidly too. I wish they (the people around me) dont leave me alone for too long! I feel like crying! Alright, I think the rest of the people would start wondering, why do you always feel like crying? This morning while I was reading the papers about the desserted Phuket and having breakfast on my own, I felt like crying, because I thought I felt like I was also abandoned. Going to the library to study. Maybe there is where addias would be. He reminds me of the old days, as well as, how lonely I am now.

I believe you, but it means that I also believe there is a part of me that will get hurt because of this.
I dont believe you, but it is meaningless if I cannot even believe in you.
I want the meaning.

Finally I managed to get myself to school. What a journey. In the computer lab now. Couldnt wake up earlier this morning, so I didnt take a ride from dad. I didnt call and talk to my friend, though this is usually what happened on a tuesday. And since I know no one else will call, I decided to go to school earlier. And the journey hence began.

I wore the black cloak shoes and realised it was such a bad choice. I couldnt walk in it. The reason is not because its hurting my toes, but its jus that I dont know how to walk in cloak shoes. I could be running around with my corporate- bag (that is so small that it could hardly hold anything but air!) and my corporate- dress and my corporate- suit, but not that corporate-shoes! So mum had to bring me another pair of shoes (that is supposedly less corporate) to change. Ok I know you would be wondering, whats so difficult about wearing those shoes? But yap, thats my biggest problem for now. Dont worry, one day I will be every bit of a corporate lady (still very much a girl now)!

Anyway can you believe how small my new fxc aka the corporate-bag is? It cant hold my water bottle, neither can it hold my suit. It only could tolerate some sheets of papers (my lecture notes), a pack of tissue paper (8 pieces), a pack of facial paper (half- finished), a piece of CD (all my files are in there), my wallet (minimally thin), touch-up kit (2 pieces only), a very small pencil case (which can only hold one ruler, one mechanical pencil and one pen- not even my-pooh-easer), my pocket size diary book (absolutely necessary for me to remember my day timetable), my receiver (my companion), my mobile, and alright one luxury item- my purple girlish note book!

This poem was created yesterday: Searching, please wait
If my phone is left on Mars
I know you cant reach me
I know you dont know where am I
I know you wouldnt use google even

If your phone is left on Mars
which I wouldnt be told
I ask myself, what can I do for you?
Maybe I dont know what had happened
Maybe I cant get you
Maybe
I know maybe if I want
I can find you somewhere

If the search is stopped, you wouldnt have any search results
If the search is stopped, I know what my answer is like

If the one who loves you most is the one you let go, then I dont know how to let you go
If the one you loves most is not the one with you, I would still want to be the one

The writer's note
When do you know you found the one meant for you? Would you know it from the list of search results?

Monday is almost done! Actually its the school component of monday. I am in the computer lab now.

Thanks john about asking what happened during the previous monday class. Anyway I dont think it makes any sense to write something about those people. I always believe that it is a waste on people that I dont care. And when I dont care about them, all I wanted to is not get myself hurt by these people, but never bother about them either. But in case you need to know what kind of people I cant be bothered with? Hypocrites- people who pretend that they care about you but it is ultra obvious to you (unless if you happened to be a hypocrite as well) otherwise. You know why? Because they happened (thanks God) to be blessed with poor acting skills as well. Anyway thats why I realised today that I should remember to wear a watch on Mondays, so that I wouldnt need to turn behind and look at the time and happened to see other people. Hopefully (!) we dont happened to meet somewhere along the corridor, in the toilets, or outside the class, because I just dont want your images to keep reminding me of the unpleasant things. I am doing well on my own. I get irritated by all those hi-byes-smiles. They are of more value in those tcs drama acting classes than for me. I know you must be thinking: this girl is so unfriendly, stubborn and anti- social. But never mind, I am me. I have my friends with me (jus now was sy, now is didier).

Even though you are concerned, even though you asked, even though you are jus next to me, even if it is for three minutes, I can feel your self drifting away, to a place I never know of. I wish I can do something to bring you back, but I know it didnt take me to do so. I dont have the capabililty nor magic to make you smile. I jus hope that o31 will bring some sunshine into your world, now that you nearly shut me out by drawing those curtains. But like I told you, whether you need me or not, I will be there for you.

And, can that guy ( I know who you are from your loud voice, without standing up to check) jus lower his voice? Haha!

Think its getting harder for me to sleep on sunday. And guess what does that means? It jus mean that I am not looking forward to Monday. I was so stressed last night that I jus couldnt fall asleep, even though I had been sleeping like 11 hours on the previous night. I dont like Monday, because I felt like the lonelinest kid on the block! Especially the afternoon class, I am now so afraid to go to class, because of what happened the last class. Even though I didnt think I have done anything wrong, I jus dont know what/ how to react. I know there are a thousand things that I am afraid of, but I am still afraid of it. Besides my family, only one person in school knew what had happened. The other time when I talked about it, I was choking with tears over the phone. I know this isnt the worst thing that could happen, but it still makes me really sad and scared.

Oh thats my mobile on the right and of course my little note book. And of course thats my lecture notes for monday class too. If you are wondering what does Dienstag means, it meant Tuesday. Not as if I know that haha! But because I couldnt get any calendar planner, my dad gives this to me. And hey you know this note book flew from Germany to be with me! Haha! But thats totally besides the point. Saw those baby pink and baby blue faces on the right? They are all my mood... Of course baby pink means happy while baby blue can be those unpleasant mood like sad, stressed, tired, half-happy, netural... Haha! Anyway my favourite colour now is baby pink and baby blue!! I dont think anyone will know why. I think by now you would be saying something like: OMG this girl even has a reason for her present favourite colour?!? Ok ya I do have! Anyway we are so much like that on thursday 20Jan05!!! Oh and I should remember to buy another baby pink presentation dress! Let me know if you see any nice one around ok!!! Jus love it in pink, and baby pink I mean. The news caster jus now was in strips of baby pink too!  

Yipee! Finally I have completed your birthday present!! So excited! But I always never had the honour to see you as you open it.. Hope you would like it, though I dont think you would be using it, but still, its been more than a month of effort plus many more nights of designing. I dont know why I am so excited, but ya I think its because its so
hand-made! I think anything hand-made is so sincere- and of course thats jus my thought. And hadnt been reading much all because of this excitement.

Oh was making preparation for the one-year project, though I hadnt thought of the name for it yet. Lets name it sy* Ok so each time if I mentioned about sy*, you know what I am referring to. 

Thats how small my fxc bag is... its super duper tiny- teeny! Corporate women really dont need so much space? But I have so much stuff to bring along, so now I am thinking of ways to reduce that. Anyway I thought the fxc wallet is nice/ lady-like/ classy, and isnt that expensive (26bucks), but I didnt buy eventually. Argh but never mind. So now the water bottle has to be the mini one that probably holds 300ml of liquid, a small wallet, a small pencil case, no make-up kit (jus the essential touch-up kit), no jacket/ sweater, a pack of tissue paper, no file but notes, receiver, mobile and ya whatever little stuff I can drop in. 

Ok thats tangs, erm if you can see- which I dont think so either. But anyway if you happened to drop by Orchard, thats something you should look at.  

The weather is changing, isnt it? Its getting so warm in the afternoon that I should stay home more. Very tiring to be running about under the strong sunlight. The moment I reached home, I had to switch on the air-cond. Anyway remembered the other time when we were at Tangs, I asked why were they putting up the silver shiny tree for christmas when christmas is pretty much over? And we didnt have an answer then. Today I realised it was for cny!
They were hanging the super duper pinky paper from that tree, and it looks pretty nice and creative. Oh and that pespi ad with one member from f4? Now the whole stretch of escalator from Tangs is decorated with that ad! Haha not that I love pespi or f4, jus that the other day we happened to comment on that ad.

The week ahead is going to be busy.. even up till Sunday. Hopefully Operation31 is going to be a success. I never plan an operation before, so wish me good luck! May our great-key plan going to work. Not saying a single bit here, though I am pretty excited about it, in case someone involved happened to read about this. Even though I am pretty much sure it isnt going to happen. And I hadnt think of the name for my 1-year-plan!

I can see myself (already) turning into a reading machine! Spending the whole day reading one article after another. Still reading. And I am running out of music for my ears. And talking on the phone isnt painful for the ears haha!

Anyway this poem is titled: Dont take the step ahead if you know the road will end?

You confide in me
when that moment standstill, I was the only one on the same beat
Then time raced onby then, I was the first out of your league
Reserves sat on the side benches watching,
and often than not, waiting
as the stars glid, score and celebrate
with only one winner, one recognised winner

The writer's note
Who is at the central of your life? Who is your thoughts focusing on? And who is already out of your sight? I always believe that the world always (and only) recognises (and remembers) winners. In fact, there is only one winner. That is why, I never wanted to lose. No one is ever the willing loser. So I tried all my wits, strength and efforts, hoping that my best will be the best too. So who is the judge of my progress? If you are, probably I will never fare well. Should I change the judge or change my progress?

Thats my first ever namecard. The office got it printed for us. But I like my fxc bag more! Its quite profession- looking and lady-like, I hope. But its the first bag I picked up at Tangs and I kinda like it. First impression can be quite accurate. If you like what you see, that feeling really escalate subsequently. Yet there are some people whom you didnt notice at first sight. But eventually they are so important. So really I think the more important thing, besides feelings, is lasting. If it lasts, its really beautiful!  

Wasnt really in the mood to write. Plus there seems nothing much to write about as well. Though nothing dramatic happened on me, something of that sort indirectly is affecting me. But really, what else could I do?

Anyway since thursday, Wilson is the 'on-est' (if you know me) name of all names! I mean it was jus one glance that we both noticed this guy along the corridor. You can testify that it is jus O N E glance, or even half a glance. Then later when they introduced him as Wilson, we were like- Woo he has a very-wilson face, though I dont think anyone else except you and me would know what a wilson-face looks like. Haha! No Leonard, no dong-dong, jus Wilson. It has to be W I L S O N. Other than that, other xxxxx-son wouldnt work. He has that newbie look, that friendly, gentleman, honest, soft, SNAG and almost-perfect look! My guess is that his surname is Chan, but dont ask me why, its jus a
super duper wild guess. He is one of the little few who has since gotten a stamp and chop approval from you! I thought he deserves that!!

Friday was spent shopping with my parents. Bought a fxc bag (really expensive but I really like it, and its on the have-to-buy list), bought a suit jacket and matching skirts (coco brown). Still on my list is a pair of black shoes (argh so un-me), and if any, a wallet. But maybe not. Went to take photos jus now and realise that probably I would be taking my graduation photos sooner. But its time for that already. With you and everyone else graduating, with my heart drifting away from books, with me getting more used to wearing those corporate heels, those corporate dresses and carrying those corporate bag, it seems like time.

This story is titled: The painful truth
Part I: The truth
Can you believe the truth from an ex-liar?
because you dont know if its an ex
Can you not feel the pain?
jus because you have love in you
Then can you believe if an ex-liar says the truth?
Then can you forget the love because of the enduring pain?

Part II: The pain- receipt for sadness
Sadness, like the sleepless night
you dont need any effort but you can receive lots of it
I think no doubt I should be able to provide with a list to make yourself sad.

Especially when you are exhausted, sadness becomes more hearthbreaking
Especially when you are lonely, sadness becomes more obvious
Especially when you take spicy food, sadness gets into your eyes
Especially when you continue to drown in sadness, sadness doesnt seem to go away
Especially when you are hit with another blow, you would need to cover up them with the heart-plaster
Especially when you tink you can no longer contain sadness, it will overflow and wet your face
Especially when you want to end sadness, it seems like the humid weather that never leave your skin any breathing space.

Happiness is like the air trapped in the balloon
when the balloon bursts
it bursts too

Sadness, like the sleepless night
you dont need any effort to let it into your life

The writer's note
Sometimess I feel that my efforts are all jus sandcastles built by the coast- it gets washed away in no time, and it doesnt leave any essence behind. I always think my present is jus as well.

If anything gots me into blogging again now, its because (1) I had to wait for my dad to fetch me home. I am far too tired to fight for the bus and (2) Dong dong walked out of the computer lab and said hi, and went on talking about a textbook he couldnt find in the bookstore. So I told him he could (a) go to clementi bookstore (hopefully he knows his way there) or (b) try the hss library (which he hadnt known its our library) keke. So fun ya. But he is in his that purple tshirt again. Ok as I am typing this, I am cautious that he will not walk into the computer lab again, otherwise he might be interested to see whats on my screen and soon find out why he is being nicked as Dong dong. You bet I had to begin the rationale behind of this nick. And hey he hadnt been wearing that super duper nice greenish jacket (which i bet u are so anticipating). Maybe he realised it can be warm walking around with that. Anyway he is super duper friendly, and I am no longer that excited seeing him alright, if YOU must know. Otherwise I would be judged as the crazy-dong-dong- fan again.

And the personal branding seminar jus now was quite enriching. I ended up asking more questions about guy's dressing than girl's, simply because I was 'replacing' you for this thingy. So you bet now I am totally (about 80%) qualified to be your fashion consultant. If that job can last my lifetime, I wouldnt mind that!! Its a big and generous project! keke. Anyway now you can start listening to my two-cents worth!

Feeling drained now, though its only half-way through the day. Had been going home rather late these few days, and spent the rest of the night watching tv, trying to do my readings and sleeping. Anyway guess who I saw? David. Ok, hadnt seen him for a semester already? Anyway think the school guys love strips and purple-grey shirts huh. I went back home to change into formal clothing because in the morning I promised to go to this Personal Branding seminar for my friend. Its been like ten thousand years since I last wore your traditional kind of formal wear, but since its the school that is doing this, I better not be in my pink and thin-white. Anyway air-cond has several nicks, including Chen Xiao Dong and Dong Dong, but eventually we decided that he should be known as Dong Dong.

Thursday gonna be a long day as well. Jus wanted to catch up on my sleep on friday. And should be around chinatown over the long weekend. Next week will be a busy one too. But hope everything will increase my chances of getting a job! Oh and SGX- Bursa is delaying the trading link! I read in the papers yesterday and of course how could I forget what lessons we learnt in our FM class? It had already installed an awareness software in you! Anyway its the good old days.

As promised, this is a sketch of our intelligent cart! Keke because my friend said I drew sly well, thats why I was the one who drew the cart for presentation today! Keke its quite fun, because I never done this before. But its not something I am good at ie I dont draw supermarket carts on my friends' christmas card. And considering how I would take the whole day to finish with sly, a five- minute sketch is far from that. Plus, its 3-D you realised that? And yap j would tell you how bad I am with 3-D stuff, and how I would cope his tutorial and how he had to teach me how to solve my maths problem back then. Those days!  

This poem was created while waiting for the bus today hence titled: The sky above the bus-stop.

I am so tiny in your sky, that even the sparrow is bigger than I am
Swimming through your thoughts, but I got myself lost
I got myself trapped in the cotton clouds, but I could still feel your warmth
You, are everywhere but nowhere.

The writer's note
Sometimes you jus feel you are so tiny on this planet you are living. What you know is such inadquate, what you want to do is quite powerless.

~ Anyway I think I should subscribe to some membership card so that I can buy papers at the member's price? Because I had been spending so much money on buying paper! Keke oh I jus went to buy the papers I need to make the 1-year project! Thinking for a nice name for this project since its sticking with me for 1-year, I hope. As in, I hope I will be determined enough to continue making it whatever happens. And yap, besides the paper, everything else is gonna be made by me! Isit that great!

Jus finished a class, and its the most interesting class I had. Especially this semester. Its fun and enriching. We had this in-class activity requiring us to revamp a supermarket cart, in like 20mins.. Its like initially I didnt think we could do it in such a short span of time. But when my friend went to the toilet, chris (from germany) and I didnt waste time. We started by discussing what difficulties we had using the cart. Then the discussion jus went ahead. And after our discussions and presentations, we get to watch the video where a company (which I still dont know how to spell it) actually did that. And our supermarket cart, known as Intelligent Cart, has considered the various factors that those prof did. And I need to complete worksheet2, which requires me to draw out our cart. Will get our super- duper on cart up here if possible.

Anyway the air-cond talked to me. Ok he isnt air-cond per se, but then because he choosen to do the air-cond invention, so now his nickname is air-cond. Oh I was in the computer lab and saw him. So as I was waiting for my cashcard, he stood behind and smiled at me. You know, they are really friendly people. He sat next to my friend in class, and then air-cond wanted to change seat due to the skin-allergy to the chair (yap!) and so air-cond told my friend that he didnt move away because of not liking my friend. Its jus that he is allergy to the chair. Haha. Anyway I will be looking forward to every tuesday's class! You bet you would be hearing more from me.

I think phones from motorola is super duper difficult to use, that is, for a phone- dummy like me. I tried playing with my friend's phone to realise that I couldnt even type a proper message nor make a phone call to the right person! Thats how difficult it is. But of course then again representatives from motorola would say: but you are a phone- dummy. But my friend will vote for that too, so it isnt me only!

Oh and did I say that I had been eating healthily? I had the first fried stuff on sunday, and its been a month since I had it. I had been skipping soft drinks though its quite tempting when my sister leave half the can of coke or iced lemon tea in the refrigerator (the half can iced lemon tea is still in there). But I had been sticking to plain water and milk. See I have done it! I think the next big thing to really avoid would be chips (had been having some) and cake (suddenly everyone is serving me cake). And not to forget there is going to be one more to go. And then its cny. I wouldnt be eating much, jus buying stuff for you guys and the greatest temptation for me is coke. I jus love coke. Imagine how much of coke did I swallow when I was in China? Ok thats when I was in China and coke is the essential soup of all meals! With coke, everything is alright. Without coke, I jus couldnt finish the food. But of course I jus keep reminding myself that I am not drinking coke, I am drinking a can of water with lots of sugar. Though healthy eating, I had not been finishing my meals. Skipping them in fact. And still eating instant noodles. I can do better.

Anyway I am not involved with anyone, if you have already decided on that. But at different point of my life, there are different friends whom I am close with. Though I dont talk to wy all the time, nor see him around, but I guess he, like jy, knew whats in me these days. You might think its super silly, but thanks guys and gals for everything. Listening to me talk through the night, listening to me talk through our shopping adventure, going everywhere with me to get what I want... thanks pals.

And did I say I will be seeing dak? Thats daniel.

This is going to be the happy entry!

Now I know who is important to me. It didn’t take me this long (21+ years) to realize, but besides my cool-tempered dad, caring mum and helpful sister, you are important to me. Without you, my heart doesn’t function as God designs it to. When it spots you, it beats- painfully but happily too. It beats to the rhythm of life, allowing blood to be
transported throughout my body. You drove all of my loneliness, pain and sadness away. My breathing system is well and proper, trim and fit, pink in health… Anything you could use to describe good wellness.

This whole day had been such a roller coaster ride. But it made me realize you’re significant. Also how vulnerable I am to you. On the sadder tone, of course how I should stop getting used to you. How my heart should function well even without you. How my breathing should be smooth even without you. How I should learn to protect myself against the rain, the loneliness and sense of lost.

This poem, titled: It is your business, paints my feelings for today.

Part I: The morning struggle
Your presence brings to me joy
but when you take that away they reduced to tears

My life, is contamined by your shadow

Part II: The afternoon frustration
You can talk to mebut it didnt take your actions to sound like a stranger
I can pretend not to hear
I can walk by you, pretending not to see
but I cant pretend not to feel the pain

If I could stop the effort
If I could leave
Need it takes all these for your care

Maybe someday enough tears will wash away the hurt
Maybe one day the hurt will cut deeper till unbearable
Maybe by that day there is nothing left

I had pain exchanged for your freedom
If I can forget the hurtwhy wasnt the love gone?

Part III: The evening peace
My hurt melts in your presence
and then my life starts

Part IV: The night's memories
Quietness and darkness surround us
wishing this will go on because I can live without the next day

I cant say goodbye to you, you noticed?
I pick up and leaveI couldnt turn and wave
because I might never move then

I dont need any stranger
I dont need the bustling day
I dont need the sunshine
I just need you and your mouse

The hurt always leave me
But I will lock the rest up

When I looked into you, I saw my life
When I saw you looking into me, I saw nothing
But I still want to see you

~ Need not read too much into what I write, need not ask why, because I think I have much more imagination and emotions than a normal person. Jus share my joy. Anyway I moved the tv into my room jus now so that I wouldnt miss fafa. Omg! Thats good acting! I jus love this character, the earring, the super duper hair that is smoother than a girl's... Everything is so complete. My sister was so tempted that she came over to watch too, while I tried to re-act fafa. And opps her notes disintegrated (yap!) before her as it flew across my room. The part about Meiya and her sister is sad. But I thought her sister really loved the guy. I think we cant judge if the guy is worthy of her love or not, because she truly and deeply love him in all her ways.

And we saw Daniel today! He stood there, in the midst of conversation, but kept looking towards us. I was talking to you and looking at you, but saw him looking over. I wasnt sure but after that you said you saw him looking over at us too! I really wonder what he was looking at! Haha of course you had the last laugh, because Daniel wouldnt know you would be in the same class at him tomorrow. He will know it tomorrow! If it is two, then its me and you, if its three, Daniel is joining! Although you didnt think much about him, he really had that build and height (maybe 180) and everything.

My guardian angel
Your presence contaminated my life
when you no longer linger around
Unless void of everyething
I cannot neglect you

I dont know what to tell you, how to talk to you or even how to behave with regards of you. I am hopeless? You always talk when you are alright, which means that I always have to wait for my turn to talk. Because I jus cant bear not to talk to you.

Left with one class today as the latter is being cancelled. But have to hang around (somewhere) till the talk at 6pm starts at 6.

Is hopelessness equivalent to helplessness? Or is helplessness equivalent to hopelessness? I jus know everything is lacking...

Ok what do you think is the most sincere gift? Its a handmade one. I still hadnt achieve to a stage where the entire present is handmade by me. As in, I still hadnt master the art of making paper boxes (which I should have), making my own wrapping paper, making my own ribbon... Yap thats the 3 things that are still commerically purchased. I always think that a gift can be (1) a commerical-like of yours (2) a totally sincere handmade gift. But when someone has everything already, and when he can always buy anything he wants, then it seems like point(1) is not much of a surprise. Something with my tag on shows how much effort went into designing, buying of raw materials, making, try-and-trial till the last minute when you piece everything together!  

ok thats what I had jus completed doing- the making of my first present for year 2005. Alright I think you wouldnt know what it is but hey its such a satisfaction holding your creation in your hand. Though I hope by now you arent sick of my stuff, I know you wouldnt be using it. But its yours and so is the choice.  

Thanks john for the postcard. I always wanted a postcard from you but that postcard would never be return. But then again, I am your friend and I accept you for the way you accepted me. My first ever postcard to you was send last year while my first ever hand-made postcard was born at around that time. Seems like quite a thing to trust the postal service. But of course now I rather give it to you by hand. Though they (postal) only lost one of my many mails, but it was a very nicely made one. To think that my card fell off from the plane or was left behind at some dark corners on the plane, dropped down into some dense jungles, washed among the sea-debris... 

Anyway you might be happy, you might be sad. There is nothing much more I can do to uplife your spirits than sounding or appearing happy. But at least I could still do that. If you are sad, the sadness-bug seems to be conveyed through the air or space till it reaches me. And if by taking a share of it from you can lighten your burden, I dont mind.

Not really having a good appetite, cant finish my food. And to be reminded that its monday all over again tomorrow, then I wished sunday is never going to go away. When even when sunday went by, it will come back again 6days later. Its only human existence that wouldnt come back to us when they fade over the surface of earth.

Maybe mus ask jy if she wants to go down chinatown. The super duper red and crowded place might do some good to my mood. Wished I had seen the firecracks. Anyway mus watch it with her since we watched my first ever fireworks with me. Looking forward to cny? Nothing of that sort.

Been studying.

Titled: You wanted to be nobody

Knowing of the disappointment,
and expecting them
is different from it staring in your face

My heart broke while in the bus
It didnt stop by the side
The bus went ahead

So why didnt you give up
Even if I know how to answer you
I dont know how to give up

Do you only feel touched
if you are loved by the one you loved

Why give me so many coincidences
Why give me so many memories
when they arent going anywhere

No one knows me better than nobody
because you wanted to be nobody

But I still want all the coincidences
But I still want all the memories

The writer's note
Its easy to be prepared for disappointment, but difficult to deal with it. Even the school today looked dull, lonely and sad. I heard my current favourite song in the bus and suddenly a pang of sadness hit me. But no matter how I feel, the pace of life never stop. Why didnt I give up? Even if I could give you a good answer, it really doesnt make any sense. I just didnt know how to give up. If I say I am not possessive, do you believe me? Maybe I am not mature enough, not mature enough to let loose of things. But nothing gets me much excitement these days. Only while I was
making the present for you, I thought I had something to look forward to. Soon the present will belong to you, not me. Never mine.

~ Met jy and went orchard. Finally went to kino but didnt get what I wanted. Instead I got it from Kalm's. Spend the rest of the evening printing my readings (a lot more to go) and finishing it. Each time I made something, I thought it was the best. Last year, I thought my present to you was the best. Then came the middle of the year that I thought I had something better. Now I thought this would be better even. Dont know what to say but yap.

On msn with john and chris. Jus now sx was here, but he gone off to do his stuff already. Chris was saying that something that Wiilliam hung said "i had no regrets and i tried my best!". Haha. Anyway think he is reading it now too. And he said there is so much stuff on it that he thought its my whole life. Haha. And fancy him saying that I should copyright my stuff. I told him there is nothing very good so no one will copy.

Im done with the presentation. Anyway ask me and I would say its finished. As in I dont stand another chance. Move on huh. You already told me but I jus wanted to give it a shot. Now I saw defeat staring at me. If there isnt anyone around (there already isnt many strangers around already), I will break down and cry. Its jus heart- breaking. I might jus want to go watch `My brother alone so that I would cry in the cinema and it still makes some sense. jy is having lessons still, so no one to go orchard with me. Jus didnt want to go home.

I know I shouldnt be blogging since my presentation is at 11:30am. But while I am in school now, and I am printing all the stuff that I need. Guess what? I jus spotted two people who are also doing this case in the computer lab. I am going to do it ya! Anyway its jus the first week of school and I am dressed like that. Bet if sy sees my dressing and that bag he would exclaim, You are ready to go out to work!! Haha. At least that was what he had been saying whenever I am dressed like this. And as you are reading this, as usual, I am attaching the powerpoint slides for the presentation all over the place. I had one copy in my CD already, then I have one in my nus mail and another in a-near-abandoned-yahoo mail.

Anyway I want to watch `My Brother! I remembered the last time I kept saying I want to watch `Brotherhood so much that Zen accompanied me to the movies. Didnt think he actually plan to watch that but he was so nice and accompanied me to watch it. Argh, I hope can go watch that movie! Think I would like it! And oh thanks to alot of people. One by one. Thanks to zen because last time I called him for help for my presentation! And thanks to john as well. And thanks to no-name as well.

Ok I am going to staple my printed stuff and hopefully by next week I would have watched the movie already. And hopefully by next week I would have already make a trip down to Kino to get what I need. So pathetic, no one to watch movies with me. Oh did I mention before, in the past, I watched movies alone? Woo! Anyway speak louder, speaker clearer and slower ya! Remember that.

Ohohoh lastly, should we get (1) a cake that the birthday boy is sure to like ie he already like it (cake from lana cake shop) or (2) a cake that the birthday boy might like ie he did say that the cake looks quite nice (the blueberry cake, which happened to be my 21st birthday cake) or (3) a cake that the boy had never seen or tasted before?

Been quite a day. I think I am still not used to being alone and around. The fact is, I dont know if I ever will get used to it. I forgot my CD yesterday and had to go back to school in the evening to take it. Then today I forgot my 2pm class because I thought it was 3pm. So by the time I realised, it was 230pm already. See what happened to me when my gang of friends arent with me? No one to pull me to class, no one to meet me before class, no one to lunch with me (already skipped lunch 4 days in a row, and I see this is how things go), no one to hang around the computer lab with, no one to expect! Jus no one. I am starting to dread school. I missed them all! Sy, charles, didier, chris - happened to be all guys!. That was why back then when we all took Buz Policy, I was so happy. All 5 of us were together. And remembered the HKT-PCCW presentation? Woo we scored a bang! My dream team. Too bad they are all no longer with me, and life in school had never been the same. A very difficult one instead. Sometimes I think I dont have the energy to wake up.

I was working on my presentation for the last 3 hours. Its the case competition presentation tomorrow. Wish me all the best. Thanks. I will put in my best efforts and hope I will do you guys proud. The presentation will take about half an hour- the only presentation that I am doing alone ever! I wish you were here with me. Each time I see you guys around in school, you dont know how happy I am. To put it in words- like a happy child when you gives her sweets and balloons, like the soaring birds in the wide sky, and the horses that gallop across the grassland... Would I ever be
there? And if I am going to make it to the actual competition, I promise I will bring presents back for each of you. Anyway cny is coming, so you can expect goodies from me too. This time I will make sure chris's share will be there for him!

And ok I need help! SOS!(1) Who knows of any cake shop that serves super duper delicious, yummy cakes? And I dont mean chocolate cakes. Anything but chocolate. And I mean really super duper declicious, yummy and nice- looking cakes ok! (2) Anyone knows where is Lana cake shop? Or their telephone number? All I know of it is that it is near raffles primary school. (3) Do guys like blueberry cakes? (4) Is there any nice cake shop in Orchard? Please tag me a message if you happen to know of any. Thanks! Its fafa's time (= de-stress time).

Been really busy last night. I purposedly left school early yesterday so to get the raw materials to make the present for you, and I spent the rest of the day making it. Its almost done, but still some more work to go. I still need to make a trip down to Kino to get some stuff. And, its not only this that you can expect. Jus in case you might be reading this, though I dont think so, but there is this great plan on that day, from us all to you. Really excited about it, because it is the first time I am planning something like this. Jus hope that we can execute this great idea. I think its quite possible because bee (as she always referred herself as) is going to help us in case we need PlanB! Quite smart to even thought of PlanB!

Anyway besides making the present, the great plan, at 830pm last nite, I realised I left my CD in school and I rushed back, luckily to retrieve it!!! Thank God.

But school is like a battlefield, and I am not a warrior (as my msn already says it all). And this is the poem I had, titled as: Someone is in the air.

Air occupies the seat next to me
I stared at its presence

School is like a battlefield
but I am not a warrior

If I stared hard enough
maybe it can crystalised?

The writer's note
Thats the end. The seat next to me today is really empty. Maybe I look strong, I look alright moving around in school alone, but deep inside there is this great sense of loneliness. Only when I have you guys around me do I not feel this way. Jus like the bus ride home yesterday. I was listening to the radio as usual, but then I heard someone calling my name. Twice. And yap, its chris and didier. You know, the moment I saw them, I joined them and started chatting. Non- stop. Yap, for someone that is deprived of chatting (not those HI and BYES), seeing them is the greatest thing yesterday. And charles is coming back next week. And I might be going out next week so at least there are things to look forward to. And yap, the most important presentation is on tomorrow morning. I hadnt completed the slides yet since I was just informed of it jus now. But hey, wish me the biggest and the best of luck. Thats been something I have been looking forward to for some time already.

~ Ok, I will go look at cl's hair and tell you what colour it is! And then I will get more stuff for the 3 guys for cny. Then, thanks to john. Those sms had been really nice, and yap I saw the moon last night. But then since my phone bills is going to be really high for this month already (ya remind me this is only the first week), I shall cut down on the usage. Phone calls and text messages! Since you arent around, I kept talking with my mobile! And its the time of the year to buy-sell-borrow textbooks so you can imagine!

Having lessons at 3pm. Better remembered to call video ezy soon. And yap, going kino...

Talking to wy on msn. Been so long since I last talked to him. Going to the vcd shop and see if there is the ccd he wants. And I also have one vcd title to check. I think both of us are seriously poisioned by sy. Haha! Never mind, no one minds. And he better keeps his promises- never to reveal my secrets. I know he wouldnt! Anyway, been talking to him for quite some time and so hadnt gone to the library to ask for help.

My class is going to start at 9am, so I will jus share with you the poems I wrote last time. Didnt think its exceptional nice, jus that it reflects my emotions throughout yesterday. Oh ya I didnt watch fafa last night, because I was trying to figure out what OLS is. But I will watch it when I reached home today. And yaps, I am in hss library now. Decided to hang around here than the law library. Anyway I saw dinosaur. Nothing much. Oh ya the new bag looks quite alright. But nothing beats Daniel's super- duper nice jacket.

(Excitement in the air particles)
If Orchard- Road is an invention
It will be on my cant-do-without-list
we laughed

If Hong-kong-island is an invention
It will be on your cant-do-without list
we laughed again

Regardless if it is 2k, 3k or 5k
all your first 3 month salaries would go into clothings
you tried to defend, much in vain

Regardless if it is 2k, 3k or 5k
all your first 3 month salaries would go into clothings
you told me too

and we laughed

The writer's note
Oh ya after my class yesterday, I was on my phone with my friend and we were talking about the inventions we cant do without. So fun!

(Out of you, out of the world)
Your smile reflects onto my mirror of emotions
as though the world is filled with sunshine by you
Your silence brings about the downward swing on the mood curve
my heart sank further underground

This apart is the longest
Every apart is the longest

The road stretches far ahead
I walked forward all these whiles
then I turned back time
I will never make my way out
will I?

The writer's note
A lot of my inspiration comes from my imagination, my life, and my emotions. And mostly, its a hybrid of all 3.

(Now it is important)
How can anything be as important as this?
You asked this question
but only when that something is no longer important
You would never ask
when it was important to you
You would say
yes it is so important to me, now

Even if you are the standing soul
the last soul, the only standing

If importance never fades away, by then, you would have received happiness
If importance flew away, you probably move on to some other important things

The writer's note
When we regard something/ someone as important in our lives, oftern we do not know the reason why. Jus because I like it?

(Please dont take my star away)
Please let my hope stays like the star
They say the star will always be constant
I want you to be constant
To never switch off your shine in my heart

Please dont take my star away
Even though I didnt write my name on it
I want to put my name on you
Then again, it remains only as a thought

The writer's note
Even though my hope is as tiny as the twinkling star, as far as the moon, I embraced it with expected disappointment.

And you are the only one (dont need to guess, because you wouldnt know the person) who had so far read some of those stuff, because it was the birthday present for you. Since its yours already, I wouldnt be saying what it is, but so far, its one of the best, best ever present I ever make for anyone. And I will always remember the excitement on your face when you let me read what you wrote, at that super duper ice-land. Something I felt for too, though you never will know. Anyway please remind me to go buy that tomorrow. If I keep forgetting, I would never get it done on time, no matter how fast I am. Because I keep changing my mind, I didnt know if to get it or not. But today the decision is made- I will get it!

And thats my new dress. Though I didnt buy it when we went shopping together, later I went back to surf bay and bought it again! I like surf bay. Already bought three pieces of clothing from them already - not alot actually. Haha and that time when I bought this baby- blue, bathroom towel's material, quite-short (you said it wasnt that short) skirt, I also bought a top. I couldnt decide if to get the white or the blue one, and forced you to decide for me. You said, take the white one if its slightly bigger, and the blue if its smaller. You said the blue and I was trying to hold on to the change while still on the phone at the cashier. Anyway I was always on the phone that I think my phone bill this month would be slightly more.

And hey I hope you will be there to see Daniel and his jacket! You never like this name before, but hopefully you will agree with me totally when you see him. See him soon :)

And hey there is a new link below my taggy. It belongs to Bee Teng. She is sy's sister. Yap, and in her jc1 in vjc. Her blog is always very lively and cute. Yap, talking to her on msn now too.

And this is my new skirt keke 

Thats the amount of diary books/ poems books/ note books I own. Haha! Sounds like a great achievement. Nope, jus that I really love to write (okok she said that many zillion times already, I know that already). I know of you who would probably have something like this at home too :)  

Jus finished a class. Was kinda happy because the class was quite interesting. You must be thinking, 'I think there is something seriously wrong with this girl! One moment she is upset, one moment she is feeling better.' Haha! I agree totally. I think if you plot my moods on a graph, its going to fluctuate a lot. And I thought, the cny is coming, so I should be happier, shouldnt I? Will try. But I remembered cny 2004 was much needed and definitely appreciated. And I had so much fun going to chinatown, with everything so chinese and so red. In the past, I dont really visit chinatown, and my parents dont do that too. But subsequently I really like making my way down there during that festive period. Its not really about buying anything, its jus that during those times it suddenly made sense to squeeze with people (so to get the feel of the season). Haha! Another weird thing, since half the time I would be saying 'Oh the saturaday crowd is super duper crazy', the other times I would be saying 'I dont like to be alone among the crowd.' But thats all me. And one more thing, I didnt know they hadnt had anything in a light bulb. As in, I didnt think about what was in a light bulb. Probably I am more literature than science. Though back in college times, all I do for my gp papers was science and technology, children crimes and science and technology. Back then, I knew some much about cloning, the sheeps and the monkeys, and the names of those young children. Good old times. Probably not going to hear from me for today already. Remember I wanted to be a student? Haha. But since I would be having lots and lots of morning classes, I think the trend for this semester is me blogging in the early mornings... But whatever, Fafa is always there at 9pm. My friends love him. I mean, normally if we go shopping, we might get disgusted to see people behaving so strangely, but hey we jus love Fafa on tv.

Felt weak. Felt bored and lonely. Jus wanted to spend my time talking on the phone, or writing. But I dont really want to write because all I write now is going to be greyish. And I am sick of all that myself too, honestly. But I know I must stop feeling like that. And school has started. Maybe because with everything quite unsettled at this moment, its kinda difficult to feel like a student. But I probably would start my identity of being a student today. Its good, at least it will get me away from the rest. So I shall go back to my class (its the class break now) and after that I would go do the readings of text and printing of notes.

And though I dont know what is happening to you, I jus hope you are going to be fine soon. I am jus scared its my turn then, but I cant always think in such a way.

Titled: I cant be used to you

I am used to you being my hands
always faster and calmer
I am used to you being my sight
further and sharper
I am used to you being my listener
patient and understanding
I am used to you being my walkie- talkie
near and around

I am used to you on the other side
I am used to you by the side
I am used to you in front of
I am used to you daily, the mornings, noons, and the nights

But I cannot be used to you

Oh thats my new water bottle (taken from the top). Mum wanted me to get this so that it can hold warm water- good when I have long hours of lessons and when I study in those super duper freezingly cold libraries. I always tell my friends: now you know where all our fees went to (air- cond bills). And its in purple! Haha, since they dont have baby pink, purple is nice too. And are you watching 9pm's Fafa? He is so funny! 

Its so math, isit! And its jus the first day of lesson and I had been so diligent in taking down all the notes. Anyway its from Research Methods of Finance, that level4 module. 

Email some of my super- duper old stuff to John, since he is asking for them. But guess they are those whom I remembered them as the-better-ones from the past. And the past back dated to year 2002. Yap! Its that old. When I was in college year one. As you know, I dont usually read what I write, unless when I am really bored. Even then,
I dont dig up those super duper old ones to read. Guess I feel weird reading my own stuff, and with the little memory I had, sometimes I dont remember myself writing those exact words. But the more important reason is because regardless if they are happy or sad emotions from the past, I dont like to have them dig out again. A lot of those emotions, and others would come rushing back. I will think of everything that happened during those times, and I dont think I can always cope with them together with the present emotions. Hence, ya thats my biggest reason. And if not for the manuscript 2005, I wouldnt have dig them out, nor open them and find the better ones out.

And as I was on my way home today, I reminded myself that anything in abundant are normally not being treasured by people. Let it be my presence, my words or my tears. Anything in excess makes people feel irritated or at least being taken granted for. And the reason why I thought of so is due to all the 'refresh' friendships and 'on-the-mend' friendships I see in my lives, nothing much to do with what is being mentioned above. So I guess sometimes I really mus know when to let go. I cant hold on to anything, anyone in anyhow. Another poem from me, titled: I wished nothing from you will hurt.

I held your name in my hand
Why has it to be youI didnt expect to see your name
But you never do as what I thought you would
I didnt want to call
because I didnt think you want to hear me

I went ahead

I thought if I walked the long way around
I might see youI know I would
But I didnt find out purposedly
I jus happened to know
I jus happened to know

I walked ahead

Even though I didnt speak
It never really left me
Then it was you again
From the time on my watch
You must be done with it
I know it not from anyone

I picked up, but continued

Why wasnt that the truth
I wish I could believe in everything
I wish I could stop myself from other than believing
I put everything down
To realise I was right
To realise I was wrong
Wrong to believe in everything
Wrong to believe in not stopping
The only right was to see the truth

Lies hurt
Truth hurts as well
Truth hurts when everything is close by
Nothing will hurt when nothing matters

Yap, thats the end of the poem. I quite like it. Guess there might be lesser stories from me since I can see the semester picking up (yes, though today is the first day). But poems are rather alright. Poems take lesser time to create. And since I normally apprecitate the bus ride home alone, I like to blog/ write in my mind. Either that or I would quickly take out my pencil and try to scribble in my book (It is a purple, super duper girlish one now. Will be posting a photo of it later). But I will try to write at least some captions to explain what is the poem all about. But sometimes you jus have to guess.

And lastly, I didnt think I feel like a student today. At least not when I was sitting in my morning class. Maybe I was alittle more tense in the afternoon to feel anything too. And this poem is titled: There was never a right moment. You can interpret this title in two ways. (1) This really is the right moment. (2) There really will never be a right moment. Which way? Its your choice. And here it goes:

But hey I saw you today, in jus a split moment.
If I was ten seconds earlier, I wouldnt have seen you seeing me.
And if I was ten seconds later, I wouldnt know how to react.
But it was jus that moment.

Yap, thats the book I used to write my stuff... Its kinda girlish, but its quite thin, which is good. Because I always end not to finish using every page and forget its existence. It costs me only 70cents, which is also good because I jus spend too much money on diaries and such note books already. Next time I should take the amount of those books I own!  

Had a slow start to my day, as mentioned in my previous entry. It got slight better when ks was also in my morning hrm class, but the bad thing was, she hadnt gotten the module officially. Really hope she will get it so that I would have a group member. But after the class, she kept telling me a hundred and three reasons why I should do honors. I guess I am still sticking to a strategy- if I can get a decent job, I really wouldnt do honors. But then again, what can be so confirm for me? I am hardly very decisive.

Then I went for my afternoon research methods in finance class. Which isnt that good. I dont know if I was shirving because I was hungry, cold or nervous. But its the first time I had such a feeling in class. I dont think I felt this way even on my first class in university. Its a level4 module, so naturally it wouldnt be an easy one. And the most unpleasant thing is, I didnt have a group because there are odd number of people in the class and the tutor wants groups of 2. I think I really need to put in lots (x 1000) of efforts for this class so as to survive.

After the class, I met chris and k in the computer lab. Decided to bid for another module so that I would be in the same class as chris and didier. But thats also another 'pending' decision, might drop it if I dont think I can cope, since its an accounting module and I am bad at maths, accounting and anything to do with maths or accounting. So either a logistic module for me or that accounting module. But after that I decided to bid for another decision science module.

I think thats another of my biggest weakest- scared all the time. And because of that, I am not confident of myself. I need lots of time to convince myself of things I do well/ achievements/ things I own... So insecured person. And so my friends become my best comfort. At least I saw chris, didier and k today. Oh mentioning about old friends, sx is back from sweden, with a much- needed change-over. Nice image and nicer hair.

Lets jus see what happens tomorrow. Anyway its been quite a semi- turbulent day, sending lots of text messages, trying to find companion, find second hand textbooks and yap...

It reads 8:08am on the computer clock this morning. First day of school, and guess what, I am already in the library. So pathetic? I bet no one hangs around in the library jus on the first day of school, but having no where else to go, I didnt have much choice either. Besides me and another fellow, the library is jus as cold and lonely. Felt so isolated from the world, but sharing with you this poem that I wrote last night, titled: Teardrops.

When tears flow
The darkness of the night covers it
like what your foundation powder does.
But at least
it is a tried attempt to strengthen.

When tears stop
the water will soon not leave any marks behind
as though the face is washed
But now
it is an attempt to give up.

This poem is titled: Total lost, in space
If you are next to me,the world stops, for one minute
If you are living away from me, the world drags for years...
Nothing to say, no one will say
Nothing to wait, no one waits
The space is now empty, I will try to empty it whenever something fell in there I will try to be able to empty it Dont throw anything in anymore

I think this poem seems rather simple in the beginning, self- explainatory. As forthe last paragraph, life is like a rubbish bin, at least at this moment I believes in that. Given a bin of stuff, you pick what you want, throw away what you dont want. But now I feel like throwing away everything. I dont feel like going to school. I forget I am a student already. I forget what I want. I forget the happiness of being a student. I am totally lost.

Was really tired last night, so by the time I reached home, I went to bed (read: Saturday crowd is super- duper crazy). Anyway though I woke up, I still remain in bed, till I fall asleep again. My mood: sleepy and moody.

If you are next to me, the world stops, for one minute
If you are living away from me, the world drags for years...

The other day I mentioned about this story because I kinda like the title of it. I didnt even remember exactly what this story is about already, and I had to read it to refresh myself of the happenings back then, and why this story, and this title came about. Though the version included in my manuscript isnt very close to this one, as follows is the original version of 'My bottled unhappiness'. I remembered Zen said something after he received this story, though I cant be sure what he mentioned. Anyway the other day John said he would like to read this, so here it is:

I see you in my face
A reflection of burden
An expression of sadness
An image of unhappiness
Even if I turn away
It’s all imprinted in the mind

For I know
Sometimes there aren’t words that help
Aren’t spare for words either
All I could and all I did
Was to sit in silence
Quietly with you
Not like today was the first

I walked off in your midst of concentration
I went away slowly
Not mind somewhere far away
Because I thought if I walk far enoughI could walk back to the past
[Why do I always think that the past is better?]

Yet when I returned
I followed my urge
I ran

I guess sometimes my poem doesn’t make any sense because no one except me knows the ackground. This poem didn’t come to me all at once. In between of listening and not listening to my classes today, the words jus came. Like the feelings. You know sometimes even when I am not happy, when I see you, I didn’t show it. Because you were more unhappy than I am. There was no need for me to let you know why, because you will get more unhappy knowing more sad stuff. So I tried to be happy, hoping that maybe my happiness would spread to you through the air. If by the end of the day you are happy then I guess it’s worth it, isn’t it. But I know I can’t solve your problem or you, I can’t find the happiness you want. And when I came home and sat in front the TV just now, I had to fight to keep my tears back. That’s why this poem is titled my bottled unhappiness. And even for all that I am feeling, I am still there.
So that explains the second part- staying by.

One happy person and one sad person is better than two unhappy people all together, agree? Don’t know. Crazy me.
The delight of my day was when I gave Sumei her belated birthday present. It consists a book and a card. The book had my first published article in it. It was meant for fund raising for the cancer children, and recently I realized that the book is available in the library. Anyway, she wanted that book and joked that if someday I would be famous, then she could show everyone that she has my first. I smiled and quietly thanked her for her support. Even though she isn’t always there to read my stories, she is always there for me. The card was another hand- made card that I did.
On the front, I cut the number 2 and 1 out. Then I sew the outline of the number so that it would stand out. Inside I wrote my message for her, mostly thanking her for always being there for me, so patient with me, especially tolerating my blurriness. From her, I know that even though there would be periods when we would get so busy
with our own stuff and not keep in contact or not meet up, she is always there. And I like that feeling.

But really if I didnt contribute any article to the book, it wouldn’t have caught my attention. Because I have this image of my dream book in my mind. Was in my mind for years already. It should contain quite a volume of my works, be it stories or poems. I even thought of a title- Jus Me. (Since I started, I love to spell just as jus, without the t. Not as though I don’t like the alphabet t, thought my three most loved alphabets are s, y and j.) Everything and every one revolves around my experiences, my feelings and my life, so doesn’t the title tells all? The title would be in baby blue or blue on a white cover page. And my name SI YING would be on it too. I would hold it in my hand and smile, and cry and be thankful. I would. My astronaut dream.

Maybe by now you would have realized that there seems to be some many things that I have thought about, so many dreams of the future that I have since drawn out. And today I had a guy from Norway in my class, Norway- the place that I thought I want to live in. No one told me about Norway. Or rather, no one told me oh it is so wonderful
to live in Norway, but after watching one documentary on Norway years ago, I told myself that someday I would live there. And I would work in the financial sector in Norway. But now I realized how difficult it is to live away from your family and friends. How difficult to leave the place you are totally familiar with. So I came to think that maybe someday you would find me living in Singapore/ Norway/ Australia. Whatever the place I may be, I jus want to be happy.


Another delight of the day was when I press my ringing machine and found 1 missed call. Missed 1: charles. I dialed back and heard that familiar voice on the other end. He called to tell me that he is back! Which was definitely something touching. Although the sad part was- the hand made 21st birthday card that I send it to Mauritius for him (thought it would be a surprise) hadn’t reach him. My card lost in the ocean or the jungle. Definitely a disappointment. And maybe the happiness that I thought exist was jus an illusion? My absence, or
presence, is non- existence?

The writer’s note
Any song that makes me feel sad is good song, for now. Happy or sad- you decide. Anyway had a fall in front of law library this morning, so here is this big blue-black patch on my left knee. Don’t know why, but I am always
injured or cut. My mum sighed when she heard me telling her about it. I injured myself most when I cycle. Even though I cycle well (self- proclaimed), you could say that I am a reckless cyclist. And ya, it’s weird that I am only reckless with two things- cycling and feelings. Haha! Get Doc Tan to read this and I wonder what he would say. Anyway as I am saying, even people I met on my vacation work knows all about my reckless-ness, and how once I wanted to avoid the wall but ended up falling and bleeding and stuff like that. Oh mentioning that, I met Kevin today outside the co-op. But didnt have time to catch up with him though. But that aqua- blue shirt is nice. I meant the colour being nice. The colour most suitable for either kitchen or toilet. At least that is what I thought so.

~ And to John: Hey thanks for everything again, your sms and your encouragement. The salon sounds like a good place to visit, shall go there someday. Why was I crying that night? Jus gotten so emotional while I sat in front of my computer, without the lights. Especially when I thought of what had happened (nostalgia) and whats going to
happen in the future (uncertain and lonely), then I started to cry. If to fully understand, it will have to start from long ago. When I first went into School of Business (read: SOB), I didnt know anyone, since no one from my class choose the same faculty as me. I wasnt very optimistic regarding the kind of school life I will be getting. Throughout the semester, I only enjoyed hanging around with one group of friends. I am not an unfriendly person. Rather I am more passive. I wouldnt/wouldnt-dare /wouldnt-want to walk up to a person to say HI and start talking as though we have known each other for years. But when I am very close of a friend, and very comfortable, then I can talk non-stop about everything and anything. And during those few months, I can say that I am very independent, simply because I knew no one to depend on. Following there, I have closer friends, which by now I probably depend alot on them. I used to say that I dislike the beginning and the ending, because the beginning is so unfamiliar and scary, while the ending is so sad and painful. I jus love the middle part of everything. Those times when you are really at
ease and comfortable with things. Which is a very weak character of mine. I tried, but it is so hard to let go of things. It is not easy to allow others to come into your life, but it is so unwilling of me to let things go when they have to go as
well. And Monday is when I will try to change one module hopefully it will be successful so that I can have one common module with my friends. Taking 4 other modules alone jus makes me feel so unwilling and depriving. But of course, I am getting sick of myself, sick of my own writing...Sleepy and moody..