Price of Hope

What's the price tag for HOPE? Who sells it? Where do i go get it, when i need it?

What/Who gives me/my life hope?

Without hope, does it mean i have given up? Or does it mean i have grown used to the present way of life?

Check

Whenever its the day to check the results, i feel relaxed. but till the moment im in front of the computer, i was that frantic that i forget all my password/pin numbers that sort of thing... and when the results pop out in front of me, i would think 'Oh, thats my results'. and when it doesn't - now they have the 'please-fill-in-your-particulars-for-contact-tracing' form- i would think 'Oh, so where's my results' and im too scared to press the CONFIRM button, since i know it will bring me to my results. when it appears, finally, i always check if its for me (if the name that appears is my name/ if its my matriculation number.. so paranoid ya?)

Our grades are all converted to the CAP score system, e.g. A+ = 5 points, A =4.5 that sort of calculation. So before this, i used to have a calculator and the score standard next to me, so that i can convert my grades to CAP... now they show the CAP score together with our grades...

Well, i think im still suffering from the shock of checking results. First, i didnt know i could check my results this soon (im always the last to know huh). Knew it (always) when my friends messaged me. Anyway, its not as good as i was hoping for - i was hoping that my CAP can improve. But well, its there and that.

Chemistry

Did you watch it? Its cool, isn't it? Hilarious as well. Im listening to one of the soundtracks of the show.

Anyway just finish with =The Essence of The Thing= By Madeleine St John. I would give it thumbs up. Maybe someone else might find the plot draggy, but i will say that it exploits deeper into relationship and feelings, not just of a girl, but of a guy as well. It illustrates tender issues that the other partner might not discover...and its realistic. Go read it!

Till next thursday huh...

Which edge?

I sat at the edge of Borders. Actually its outside the lift lobby of Wheelock Place. I could look through the window panes and see the store front. The quietness is just the same that i hear, inside out.

The spot that i sat down on, i could see the traffic junction. Cars drove past smoothly. I didnt feel that i was lonely. Thats the point. The buildings surrounding where i was are well maintained. Definitely rich and classy. A different shade of light as to what i felt when i was at Little India. Here, everything seems to move in pace with time. Maybe really no one would be the evidence of 'behind time'. Maybe that explains the much indifference i felt. It didnt leave me with as much thought as the previous experience at Little India.

Though i dont sense any loneliness, I feel the surrounding seems more lonely than i thought. True, when people fill the place, you dont sense that. But people are merely there, for one purpose or another. They might be there for a cup of coffee before heading back to their 9to5. They might be reading a book during their lunch breaks. They might be shopping... But they are there for their reasons. It didnt matter to them where they are really. As long as there's lunch, there's the air cond, there's the shops... In Little India, the people there live as though they intergrate with the building. You have to be there to feel it.


I saw in a magazine where a local photography- Kay Chin took pictures of Singapore before he left for United States for a new career. Think he came back when he didnt feel he wants to be there. And in the mag, it features a few of his works from his exbihition Panoramic Singapore. I like one in particular, the one he took in Bedok Jetty, where the sky is the highlight of it all. He
says it illustrates a sense of space as well as loneliness.

Space might = to freedom.
Space might = to loneliness.

The next time if you have a day to spare, perhaps go down to Little India for a walk. If any, bring a cam/digicam. That day will be more rewarding than down at Orchard, I promise.

Believe in the right belief?

How do you know what you believe in is the right thing? If there is a right and wrong standard, so to speak.

Sometimes i wonder if believing - in a set of beliefs/ a particular event that might result - over time might make you more stubborn or more determined? More stubborn- when you believe in something that would otherwise not happen. So can i say its a wrong belief? More determined- when you believe in something that might most probably result. So its a better choice?

Actually who is to judge, who is to say which is the right thing, the better choice? Life's yours, choices yours. The people around you can only illustrate to you what they see and what they think they conclude, its all to you to believe in yours or them when they do not strike a similar tone.

How about believing in your dreams?

I read in papers times and again that some people fork out money, make sacrifices to become an author (or other dreams that they have) because they believe in their dreams. But how long an author they remain? How long the dream last? It might be a moment of dream come true, yes they published their books, how about the response? Can they go on to their second book, their third.... their n book? Is it good enough just to see even if its one book on the shelves? How hard is it to go on... i dont have the answers...

Congrats

Mannan will have little mannan soon!

Missing a bite

Life is not all about living. But what else is lacking, I hadnt quite figure out.

Today doesnt seem too bright for me. And i shall stop here. No point painting a dull picture.

Blest be the tie that binds

I was on the phone with Sinli for almost two hours. It seemed to bring us back to those times in college, where we would talk on the phone, write to each other, and see each other almost everyday ('almost everyday' because we dont see each other over the weekends). I guess by the time you get to university, or any one for the matter of fact, you would realise the friendships you made throughout your college years are stronger. Its so much more difficult to get those in university. Though there are always exceptions. And thats the reason why at least almost a few girls, we treasure the friendship that bond us together.

Today i was in high spirits. One reason is because of the talk i shared with sinli. We did alot of catching up, and abit of 'remembering the old times'. One other reason is that I finally contacted the manager and yap! im going back to work in early june.

Currently, im doing the 'Blest be the tie that binds- precious moment' x~stitch picture. I thought it would occupy much of my holidays if i didnt manage a job. Anyway the bag pack australia thing is off, but i might be going to australia before the stage 1 (= term starts). I might tag along with my uncle the next time he flys there. But while, nothing is confirm. Wish me luck.

Original spot

I dreamt of you (the last you) last night. I dont understand the dream, but it seemed we were playing some 'soldiers- battle - gun' game. But it ended when we were raising voices at each other. Yet another dream.

Things operate in cycles, dont they? When the month is ending soon, the next month starts again. The fan goes in cycles when switched on. People live routinely lives.

Though in cycles, they might never go back to the original spot.

Paradoxes

The existence of paradoxes should be the reason why we do feel happiness. Because when we dont feel happiness, we realise that.

Its when i am no longer close to you that i realise that we used to be so close friends.

Its when i am unoccupied that i realise i can be lonely.




Some time back when i feel that there is a lack of hopefulness in my life, i feel that i have done what i can do, such that nothing is holding me back, and if i leave, eventually those who live with this will get used to me being absent.

11 weeks future

How far does future mean? Ten years? Twenty?

Ever since life as an undergraduate begins, i have regard my future in stages. Stage 1: First half of my term- where life is still pretty alright, especially all the drama of finding the LT in other faculty, getting around to the computer labs... Stage 2: Second half of the term- of course, the break between them both seems always too short for any big plans. And you start to fill up the calendars with more project meetings, presentations, and what so not. Stage 3: When the reading period starts, its literally time for you to read, to study. How interesting can i make it sounds like? Stage 4: Examination periods. Its exciting, because you never know what you are going to expect. And it means holiday is approaching. Stage 5: Holidays.

Thats where I am now. Exactly 11 weeks of future ahead before it goes back to stage 1. It gets me into thinking really how life should be. Whats life be like in this 11 weeks future? Im just wondering about what i might be missing in my life, if there is any. And i find myself getting nearer to a block.

Persistence

Things that I once persist. Some of them would be let go. I chose to let go. I did that because i believe that they hadnt remain the way i wish they would. And it seems meaningless as regards to my persistence. They hadnt endure through the time tunnel.

Things that I once persist. Some i didnt let go. I try harder, because i believe its worth the try. Even if one day they become things that i would let go, that time would come for me to let them go.

Things that I once persist. Others that i wish all the best for them. Because they are no other ways for me to persist. Their existence ends when I let go.

I spend this warm saturday eating ice cream, seeking comfort in my air- cond room, with Ralph Lauren fragance lingering.

Two cushions for bedtime sleep

Ive just completed Stuart Woods' Dead in The Waters. Nothing exciting. Quite a monotonous style of writing, though there is an unexpected twist at the end, that ended far too hastily, i thought. The first book of his that i picked up from the shelves was Dead Eyes. It scared the wits out of me. I remembered crouching down under my desk in the midnight to finish it, and later was too terrified to visit the toilet. That was because the description of one crime scene that he penned was so lifelike that i could picture it in my head and that petrified me. But Dead in The Waters is far from that.

For quite some time, i go to bed with one pillow, two cushions, a bolster and my blanket. And i hug one cushion to sleep.

I think sleep is one great way to detach from life. You dont think of anything, there's nothing to think of when you head of to bed. Maybe at some nights, some dreams might await you.

Facing the opposite

Im always feeling the opposite... why?

Escalate

As of yesterday, I realised I have developed a slight phobia for- escalators. Dont ask me why out of the blue, I get panic thinking that i have to take the escalator. I dont know that phobia for something can arise just like this, you see.

Ok, i was finally out trying to look for a job. But i ended up in Orchard Library reading books. And it turned out that the job that i wanted to go for the interview prefers someone who works permanent part time. And there goes my attempt.

Anyway, how do they build escalators?

My sleep

Nowadays (for the last four days at least) I can sleep almost any where, any time.

Right after breakfast. Before lunch. After lunch. Before shower. Before dinner. And, after dinner. I can sleep in front of the TV (on or off). Sleep on the crouch. Sofa. wherever.

Not because I am that tired. Just that there is nothing i want to do, as yet. I went for an interview, so i gave myself an excuse that i am waiting for their call, hence. But its been four days. So i probably ran out of excuses tomorrow. We shall see how tomorrow goes. Or maybe how tomorrow comes. Anything.

Im a spinner

Im a spinner. Which doesnt spin. There's where the problem lies- a spinner that doesnt spin. At least for now. A spinner that is motionless, stood at the exact ground you place it. It doesnt display the wonderful combination of colours, it doesnt move to anywhere. It doesnt have kinetic energy.

Just like me, for now.

Explain: This is the second day i spent lazing at home already, the second day that i slept in, watch tv and slept on. Well, it might seems like a perfect way to spend the holidays. The 11 weeks holiday. But still, its not the way to spend 11 weeks. I need a vacation job, i need a goal that lasts to wake me up for 11 weeks, and ... wonder what else i need.

Slept in

Was too lazy and tired today, slept in all day... haha!

Losing grip

Slowly, Whenever i find myself having to put in too much for something, i learn to let go instead. I think so.


I start to lose interest in the things around me. Things that i used to enjoy seems bored to me now. Those things didnt change. They were the same. So i must be the changing variable.

It leaves you, behind

The (supposedly) neglected lifestyle of the people i saw were what impact me most during my walk through Serangoon, off Little India today.

The aged man sat down on his rocking chair and fanned himself. Under the sheltered walkway, his life seemed in contrast with the shield he had gotten from the afternoon rays. He was almost asleep. He ignored the warmth, he ignored the passing vehicles, he ignored.. In the backdrop was a recently-not-in-use shop i presumed, looking at the peeling of the brightly coat of paint. I walked on.

The whole shopfloor was occupied by old television sets, computer units, keyboards. I would describe the brightness of the shop as the afternoon heat- motionless. A few men wearing singlets crowded around one used computer. Randomly pressing the keyboard to figure out the problem. I walked on.

"This is good. Good buy" An Indian man tried to sell the clothes off to a customer, even though they are already priced lowly. Hand written one-for-all price for the clothes stacked up together- $1 only. I walked on.

The shopkeeper behind the mobile phone and accessories display didnt look welcomed with the questions he received. He didnt make an effort to display that sense of willingness. Or have i neglected them? I walked on.

Vehicles drove in and passed. The crowd moved on. But many activities seem to have come to a standstill. Or have you realise it?

We moved on. To better things. To better places. To more advanced way of doing, playing, living, thinking(?). For a better life.

Does better life excludes simplicity?

Does time, leaves you behind?

26 hours ago

26 hours ago, i was looking forward to 26 hours later. Which is now.

Like how all the time, we reach the future that we were looking for in the past. A future that we didnt know what was like then. We could anticipate, we could guess, we could imagine... yet the future is the future, something we couldnt grasp in any present state.

Reach it

Reach it
You see the hill
in front
See the sky?
when you get to the top

No matter
i trace the longer foot path,
when gravity is against
i will come to arrive below the sky so near

i reach it

Foreword: What i feel like saying tonight is that, even if for the same route, i took a longer time to complete it, i will still reach my destination. And the journey is a learning one, for me.