Nothing much to bring. Actually its more of I-have-nothing-to-do! Lazy and boring last day of Dec!!! 

Initially wanted to go to my college's gathering. But was tired and mum thought I shouldnt be running around already. Anyway its a lazy last day of December 2005. Was chatting on the phone in the morning, sleeping and tying up some stuff on SPSS in the afternoon. Nothing much to do. Pretty boring. Sure looking forward to my Bangkok! I jus packed my stuff. Not much to do actually. Jus 3D2N.

Home alone now. I so dont like to be alone on such a day. Hope my family comes back faster!

My heart is missing!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
See you soon!

Meanwhile before I come back, enjoy the start of 2006.  

A recap of my 2005...
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Its so cool (I think so!)!
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Doing my honors year

If there is only one big event of 2005, it has to be my decision of doing honors. Not surprising, study-related event makes it top on my very list.

It probably takes my best friend to tell me that indeed I have grown to become more independent. In fact, he highlighted that perhaps to me, the greatest reward of doing a thesis would have been character building rather than the degree. I mean, of course I hope the tangible benefits of having a second upper honors is beneficial during my process of finding a job. But I truly can see the intangible benefits on myself. I am less of a worrier. Because there are jus so many things on the please-worry list that I dont know where to start with. So I reckoned my brain and heart gave up on worrying. I am happier. Because each day, I told myself that tomorrow would be tough, shit-like and bad so I have to be happy today. Besides my body who smartly detected a lie somewhere (my body doesnt eat well, nor sleep well), I believe that mostly and those days were happy. I am still enjoying my current lifestyle, though it doesnt have much of a style to talk about. No longer were the days when I would rattle about my shopping adventures or social gatherings because they are all but rare indulgences for me. Now, I love the days hanging around at home (though it mean another low-productivity day), and even days hanging in the computer lab. Yes I know its not a very cool activity (in fact, its jus a very cold and freezing one), but it allows me to concentrate and work. Also, the strength working together on separate things with other year 4 in the computer lab (that is for the holidays only) is amazing. I didnt make many new friends but in the process I have found nice people and nice friends. Quality counts, not quantity, especially not for a lazy person like me. Lazy people like me dread the process of hi-my-name-is-siying-and-what-is-yours. I know I would have become more independent. Simply because there is no one there that I can rely on. But at the other end, I become reliance on other things also.

I reckoned why the process that I have gone through till now is much better is because of two main reasons. Firstly, I gone in with minimal or no expectations. I don?t know what to expect because I barely know anyone who had done a thesis before. I didnt expect much because my friends werent around so I know "fun" should have been a word eliminated out of my dictionary for the rest of the one year. And I didnt expect much also because its another year of studying and nothing else, I reckoned. I thought, since I know nothing else that I could do, returning back school to do a thesis is the next-best-alternative. Secondly, as much as my friends have all graduated, I appreciated whatever linkages between us. I thanked all the corresponding emails exchanged with JT, the text messages with JY, the encouragements from my dearest friends and of course my best friend. As much as sometimes I do get overwhelmed by your problems and eventually broke down in tears (and in turn need some consolations), often talking to you takes my mind off my thesis.

In fact, I would imagine the days ahead would still be tough. It made me cry. I can see that there would still be times that I would scream about how tough it is, how tired I am, or how much I am still crying over it. But all that, I am enjoying the process and what is left of it (pretty much 90 over days).

And yes, I do remember I cried after the first meeting with my supervisor. AM came all the way to have lunch with me in NUS. Subsequently there were two to three big outbreaks of tears.

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School Pals

As much as I have done well for my OE project, I knew I had to expect a not-so-good grade for it because I didnt do quite well for my mid-term test.

But that doesnt matter!

I love working together with my OE friends. Yes, despite us meeting for most of our Saturdays (how can I forget that!), we had loads of fun. I love the dynamics we have, the thinking process our boss made us go through, the lively discussions and of course all the miscommunications we had!

Not forgetting of all the games we played while we took turn to work on our report (the connect-4, the black-and-white-flying game that I still dont know its name), the excellent presentation we had (boss was right that our group would not receive a single question from the audience or tutor!) and the gatherings we went to (at changing appetite and Settlers Cafe).

And up till the night before, we are still having miscommunications. I was mentioning that I probably would take the train to the airport for my morning flight, but take a cab back. And so boss was in great shock. So of course I was in great shock too (wondering why he was in shock). So once again we realized that boss thought I would be taking a cab back from Thailand. I had to clarify that 'no way' I am taking a cab back from Thailand! My jet-star ticket is a return one!

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Schooling alone

For the past 4 semesters, I had friends with me in almost all of the modules that I take. And so we take the same modules, live by that similar timetable and lifestyle, watch similar TV programs and sing to the tunes of that same list of songs. We shopped together, we whined together and we checked our results together. Our moods are tagged to each other as closely as our grades are; we are so interdependent.

When all these stopped, and becomes a memory, I was left rather helpless and lonely. I missed my friends terribly. Even before school term started, I walked around the campus recalling all the happy times and laughers we shared. I saw only one shadow, I can only hear my voice and all I see are illusionary images of you.

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Cold war

As much as this isnt our first experience with the cold war (the last time was the period before my 21st birthday), at one point of time, I lost confident in us. I thought we might never make it again. I made two calls, an attempt to cease war and initiate talks. But I was refused and the stubborn-me knew I was not going to make any moves. The day when you send me a text message, I was studying for my examination in school. I knew you wanted to talk, but I refused to log on to MSN. I went for lunch and thought if I need a break in the afternoon, I can log on then. But your call came in and we resumed bilateral talks.

But for most of the 33 days, I was having much fun and work to cope with, so your absence came only at a much later stage. Of course, most of my fun came from my OE group.

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My best friend

I dont know its considered as a big change but at least now you are known as my best friend. Maybe this is the best way out of everything.

Also to note, 'best' doesnt carry the meaning of 'best of the best'. I mean I can have two best friends right?

Anyway someone questioned me about the values I have towards friendship. I am someone who drop you (as in my closer friends) a little note to cheer you up, mail you a postcard on my holidays jus to say Hi, or call you up to see if your stomachache is alright now. To me, its my way of showing concerns for a friend. While I dont have much friends to talk about in school, at least my daily catching- up (I know if its on a daily basis, it isnt quite a catch-up) with my best friend makes up that lack of human interaction I am 'suffering' from. I dont see a problem with it, though I know my friend wasnt trying to tell me that there is a problem. Its a matter of 'the right start of a friendship and habit', according to him. To me, its all about perspectives and habits.

And yes, thats my (super duper short) article on the papers.

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Attending friends' graduation ceremony

It is like a dream. My best friend once told me that I shouldnt attend the ceremony because I would be reminded that I had not graduated. Seeing all my best friends together in gown really made me sad. It was my dream to graduate together with them, to take photos in all our gowns and to start a new phrase in our lives together. But when I was on my way home, I told myself that my time will come and as much as I couldnt graduate with them, I am so happy for all of them.

Anyway I am really looking forward to mine!

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You, Mr Size 9

Well, really, what can I say. There are a few things you said that put me in thought. You told me 'You cant force it. Some things cant be forced' when I was trying to win a stack-and-dont-let-it-fall game. You said 'I cant stand if I have someone so sticky on me' but I dont know if you are talking about me.

When the semester starts, all my occasional indulgences of dinner gatherings with my friends would end. So would my bus journeys home. And so would our night exchanges of conversation.

Everything will end because there is no start.

I want to set myself free to achieve the best I can for my thesis. It really isnt about the grades, you see. As much as I worked really hard but there will be no improvement to my grades. But I always want to strive for the best (I know its so-THE, but its the truth) for the path that I have chosen. Hence I know I dont have any time for anything else.

But if you ask me, yes I would want Size 9.

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My HK Trip

I think I wrote too much about my trip but it sure is one of my big thing in 2005! I think its always very exciting going away on a holiday with friends for the first time. Not as though trip number two to Bangkok isnt exciting but if the first one should become the most memorable one for that sake.

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2005 had been a happening year!
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Typing up the remaining knots

Well, in about 41 hours I would be on my way to Bangkok. Frankly speaking, its more about leaving Singapore for a while that excites me. Well most people are preparing for the New Year and the countdown and the long holiday over the weekend, I hadnt had much for that. All my New Years and countdowns are the same. I stayed home, had early dinner, watched TV, listened to radio, doing back-up for my computer files, blogging and turning in early. So this years holiday on 01 January 2006 is a brand new way of welcoming in a new year for me. I have worked so hard (especially hard over the past few days and today and probably tomorrow jus to justify for the 3 days of absence) and I think this getaway is super duper timely for me. I want to get myself free from all the problems, my thesis and what-not, recharge, catch up with shopping and ready for my last semester in school.

JT asked me about my New Year resolution. Well, finding a (good) job is definitely top on my list. That is like one most important thing for me. Especially when I see my graduated friends who have already embarked on the next stage of their lives, I really want to 'catch-up' with them.

Other resolutions include those that would make it on the chart year after year: staying happy, staying health, finding that someone.

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2006... My graduation to look forward to (and a job!)
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For 2006!!! All the nicest things to happen! (I have hit my 2000th post today. Yipee)
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For those who had already read a little bit about my thoughts for 2005, I reckoned you guys would think that I enjoyed the process of doing my thesis. In fact, I did. Yes there are all the tears, a bit of whinning but like I said, I enjoyed the process (though I never imagined I would) and I have grown to become a better person.

However, I dislike the feeling of not keeping to promises. But I am not going into it. If you know me, you know what this is all about.

Jus that I saw gestures from you that made me a little better. I wanted to say that I am touched by what I saw you did, but I dont know if "touched" is an appropriate word to use in this context. This is because what I feel are based on what I perceived but what I perceived might not be the truth.

I went into the library and I saw you in front of me. Your books were being processed and as you were leaving, you said "Hi". I know I wasnt the smiley me. At least I didnt want to smile. I know I dont have to pretend in front of you. At least I think I dont need to. And I want you to ask if I was alright.

When the librarian took over my books, I told her that I wanted to renew it. She told me I couldnt since someone already reserved it. This whole process will take some time but when I was walking towards the exit, I saw you loittering at the exit. I dont know if you were waiting for me, but I didnt assume so. My phone rang (once again) and I picked it up. It was mum. The first thing I told her was that I am so upset over the thingy (regarding my thesis) and for the whole journey as I walked behind you, I was on the phone. I am sure you heard every bit I said as quoting from my friend, I am "not very soft, though not-very loud also". Anyway I never catch up with you. I remained walking behind you. No why. I have no answer fo you.

When we reached computer lab, I was on the phone still. You opened the door but tried to leave it open for me. I know guys do that for girls and they are the gestures from a gentleman. I have friends who do that too. But its a different kind of feeling after all. At least that is what I perceived.

Anyway you packed and left with your friends. I was still packing up. Anyway I carried all my stuff (which is a lot, considering I have the questionnaires and notes with me) and walked all the way down to the library again. I saw you and and your friends outside the toilet. I didnt intend to say anything, nor interrupt the conversation. So I intended to walk pass you guys and into the library and get my stuff down. You said "goodbye", so I returned with a "goodbye". If there is a smile, it probably is a weak one. I continued to walk on, and you said "Enjoy your trip". I turned and said "thanks" (or something of that sort). I heard your friend asking where I am going. I didnt hear your answer but you said "Dont be angry k". I turned behind and said something and walked off.

Like I said, I dont know if they are kind gestures or gestures of concern or what not, but I perceived it to be something-near-touching. I know they are so tiny and small that you probably would laugh at me (and wondered why you carried on reading). But I really dont know.

I wish you would talk to me. I want to talk to you.

P/s- Additional information for those who are already analyzing this whole thingy. My girl friend came over to have lunch with me and other year 4s. Eating with everyone else, I can no longer give you my food. And as usual I was fretting over my lunch because I cant finish them! Anyway some observations made by my girl friend are (1) he is seeking attention (from what, she doesnt know), (2) we dont talk to each other, (3) I dont even look at him, and finally (4) things are not simple. Dont ask me.

A peek into: My regular day working on my thesis in school
[8:30am] Reach school. Read Business Times in canteen or daze.
[9:00am] Computer lab opens
[9:03am] Switch on the computer and log onto my account[9:05am] Read blogs, check email accounts
[10:00am] Start work (sometimes earlier than 10am)
[1:00pm] Lunch time
[2:10pm] Back on the terminal
[5:30pm] Lab closes. Go home. Dinner, TV, do work
Note: Of course throughout the day I would chat on the phone (that is if there is a phone call).

~
A peek into: My regular day working on my thesis at home
[10:00am] Wake up. Sometimes might wake up earlier but still laze on bed. (read: lazy)
[10:05am] Read newspapers, read blogs, check email accounts
[2:30pm] Lunch time
[3:30pm] Shower time
[4:30pm] Nap time (but I hardly fall asleep!)
[7:00pm] Dinner time, TV time....
Note: Of course throughout the day I would chat on the phone (that is if there is a phone call).

Losing dependence

You can be this close, but you are still so far away
In front of me, but I cant sense that presence
As though two glares couldnt stand a second together
We imagined the other is transparent to our world

I tried ways to maintain in your boundary
I tried to see you are still here
I so wish to talk to you
But not through the phone

I have lost my dependence on you.

After what happened on Tuesday night, Wednesday morning and Wednesday night, finally I breathed in a sense of relief. Awake now. Working on my thesis.

And yes finally, I am looking forward to my short holiday! I love to start a new year this way! Despite all the hiccups faced prior to this. Someone commented that "I often travel with my friend(s)". A little correction to that statement, I travel with my friend(s) only for 3 trips, mainly a one-day trip to KL, a 6-day HK trip and this 3-day Bangkok one. Well, I dont know if there are any more times to be each other's traveling partner, or if we are going to be best friends all the way. I dont know if we are going to have so much time together, or us having time off. And the point is I do travel with my family, but a family-kind of holiday takes a long, long time to plan because my parents are always very busy. Oh and I reckoned its time for me to work and start saving money for my traveling again.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
My traveling partner, lets look forward to 01Jan06!
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Isnt this so cool? Thanks to Qihui who told me where to get this thingy to display my photos. Anyway, these are jus some of the cards that I had make. Nice? (say its nice!!)

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If you hadnt seen it coming, I think I will get addicted to this!
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So much happened yesterday night that I dont know what to say or where to start. But I wrote a story on it, and pasted part of it here. You probably wouldnt know what its all about but jus to say, I am ok now.

Yesterday I cried but I am alright now. All the tension seemed to have faded away when the sunshine shone again. Thanks for being around and thanks for appreciating me for being around.

Seriously I need to get some work done. I had been bumming around since I woke up. So what I will do now is shower, lunch and yes work on my dear thesis. I realised I really love doing what I am doing now. Despite the fact that I was at Suntec yesterday, believe me, I wasnt into any shopping. I didnt even walk into any shops! And seeing all the new shops, I realised it had been such long time since I had been at Suntec also. Oh, I would have been one of the last who saw the remaining Christmas decorations. No complains. In fact I am enjoying my current lifestyle though I know it will end soon.

Well, enjoy my story.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When we went for dinner, hardly any words were spoken.

We sat opposite each other. I don’t think we even dare to exchange glares.

We don’t want to see each other in the eye, for fear that the glares might tell more than the silence.

I concentrated on my food, as though it was so delicious that I can hardly put down the chopsticks.

You ate at similarly rapid speed as well.

We both had a “him” in our minds.

For a moment, when you finished, you stood up and left. You said you will go book a room in K-box.

That moment, I was left looking at my own reflection. For once, I really didn’t think it was a bad thing to eat alone.

Part one of the tension evening is over.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I told you that I can’t cope. I don’t know how to cope.

You asked if it was my thesis. I replied, saying that my thesis was hardly moving (since I hadn’t been doing much work over Christmas, and my productivity for the day was low).

You said then things weren’t be so bad. You said if I don’t know what I can’t cope, you wouldn’t have known either.

I told you briefly what happened through the night.

Till a point, I really broke down in tears. I told you that I really hope he doesn’t do anything foolish and give up on himself. As much as he hadn’t done such stuff before but I really don’t know what he might do in times of depression. I told you the email I wrote. In the email, I wrote that as much as there is nothing much we could do for you, we would always be there to support you, to listen to you, to be with you. So if you need someone to lean on, we would always be there. And that you would have a beautiful future ahead, and while you might not have seen it now, that day will come. And we would always be there for you, so don’t give up on yourself, because we had never wanted to give up on you.

Tell me how not to cry.

You were trying to tell me how to “manage…” but I couldn’t get anything in. Instead, I raised my voice to tell you that I don’t need a solution from you, I jus need you to listen to me. I said that I don’t need you telling me all the human resource management theories to me. So you kept quiet and listened and barely spoke.

I told you that I jus need someone to listen to me. Someone for me to lean on because I can’t be strong all the time.

When I stopped crying, I told you I want to go back. I told you that I will call later and you must pick up the phone. You agreed.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I forget my water bottle today. I dont know how many more things I am going to forget. My mother is getting stressed because she thinks that these acts (of forgetting) are symptoms of stress.

I am meeting my friend for dinner later. See, my social life is so limited to dinners but I am so fine with it! After an unproductive morning, I got at least s-o-m-e work done in the afternoon. The computer lab is closing at 5:30pm so I better get some m-o-r-e work done. And I am so looking forward to the journey back home. I know you dont get what I mean but well.

Smiles.

P/s- my msn nick: you can make me cry make me smile. can you make me feel the true love.

I feel so weird that my supervisor didnt call me today nor write me an email. Erm!

I actually forget to 'File for graduation'. My friend reminded me and yes, yes dear me has finally filed for graduation and yes, yes I am about to graduate! 

For sure the Christmas mood hadnt quite left me. Almost 11am in the morning but I hadnt start on much work. Talking on the phone, applying for jobs, bidding for modules, this and that...

Anyway its a lie if I do not take you as my best friend. The morning after the post-Christmas holidays, I sat alone in the empty canteen, feeling a little down. I was thinking how slow I must be progressing in my life (you know what). I had nothing under me except a pending-to-be-finished-thesis. Luckily my thoughts were disturbed by the ringing phone otherwise I would soon go into all the sad stuff with all the sad thoughts.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Please walk out of it.

Titled: Jus the regular?

I want regular days
If regular days have you in them
I dont want holidays
when they are noisy and disruptive
I want someone ordinary
If that someone is so extraordinary only to me
I dont want someone special
when speciality runs dry

The writer's note
The Dec05/ Jan06 period are months filled with holidays. Holiday mood everywhere. I hadnt done much work since Christmas Eva. But even sleeping, eating and watching TV are quite tiring activities. No outing, no gathering and no shopping. I am fine and happy with lazing around in the house. Now, I need to get some work done.

We can sit across the table but not stare a glare at each other.
Despite the fact that you will take the night with me.
Even if I couldnt believe that new hair.
We can sit within the same dimension and not know what is going on at the other side.
I didnt even know what time you left.
One of the many things I shall not have access to.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If you are the past and he is the future, but none of mine.

Seeing double? Merry Christmas! I have been lazing around, watching tv and sleeping and listening to music. What a lazy Xmas! 

I am such a lazy and impatient person, but these traits indeed help me complete much tasks!

Because I am too lazy to arrange to meet anyone for celebrations, festive seasons were spent at home. And for this holiday, since I am at home, and too lazy to move whenever I sat down in front of my computer, I am now keying in those questionnaires on hand. Hope to finish them by tonight. Because I am too impatient to wait for others to teach me, and too impatient to wait for others to do them, I do all of them myself! Because I am too lazy, sometimes I dont sign in to MSN. Because I am too lazy, I am so passive in knowing new friends. So yes, as said, my social circle is this s-m-a-l-l. But I know, ahead of me are two tasks that neither being lazy or impatient can help me- finding a job and finding the one.

And well, can you believe that I went for the interview one week earlier? Its supposed to be on 30Dec at 2:30pm. I thought it was 23Dec and 2:30pm. Oh!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I hope you find happiness. Real happiness I mean.

A back view went by.
As if I could sense it, I looked up.
I looked up to see you.
Among the crowd, your back view stood out.
A familiar sight.
I cut off the dialing button.
I wanted to scream at the top of my voice.
But I called out.
Calling out to you, but the shadow kept walking ahead.
I hurried behind your footstep as I observed everything on you.
Everything on you is unfamiliar to me. Except you.
They probably see me as a stranger too. A stranger in your life.
I saw it as you are about to dial my number.
Finally I have caught up just behind you.
Finally, I caught your attention.
Finally, you hang up on the phone, and turned to me.
At one instance, we were back to the past.
The past.
The best pair of colours.
I am in pink.
I am the girl.
You are in blue.
You are the guy.
Best friends in the best pairing of colours.
Baby blue goes best with baby pink.
Just like how baby pink goes best with baby blue.
My favorite pair.
This scene is a part of my memory that I will not forget.
Of all memories we shared, this is one magical point of friendship coming together.

~
My story is too long. But this is the best part of it that I want to share it here.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If I never wake up to reality tomorrow, it is because I still miss the past.

It seems like someone will soon make it to my Most-Dislike list. Considering the fact that not many people can make it to this prestige list of mine, and that 2005 is left with jus 9, 10 days, this person must have been (1) honorable (2) in fact super duper zuper detestable and (3) going to be win home the 2005 Siying's Most dislike person top place.

Well, wining the top place should come with some qualities. In fact, a lot of qualities.

I am not someone who accept s-o-r-r-y under unforgivable circumstances. Why bother. I think it is an act and coverage of fake and I will dislike you more. When it comes to work, I set high and strict standards for myself. I believing in giving my best and all. But I dont expect so for others. I set reasonable and appropriate goals for other people because I dont think it is right to judge them based on my own standards. Of course you can say I am hard on myself, but at least this is me. I believe that working hard and working smart and having blessed with some luck, anyone can make good progress towards their desirable goals. I dislike lazy people, I so dislike hyprocrites and I super dislike people who are not honest. Woo, seems like Mr Assistant must have committed some unforgivable acts in order to beat not-many-people and clinch home with the top prize.

If you know what kind of acts he committed, maybe you will agree with me.

Was jus talking to the other year 4. We concluded that we had 100 days ahead of us before we handed in our thesis. I really cant believe I am halfway to it. I reckoned I will be so lost by then.

Looking at the siew mai photo (my wallpaper) and feeling hungry.

My results are good. I reckoned my absence from the blog might cause you to be worried (am I kidding?), but yap, erm maybe one of my best? Actually I cant remember what are my results for the last few semesters, but yap, hard work pays off! Jus very grateful and thankful for that. Thanks also for the recognition.

F-i-n-a-l-l-y, yes finally, we gotten a hotel room. Some hotel that I am not sure where is it at all. Must do some checking. At least we arent going to be sleeping in the parks or under the bridges! YIPEE.

Going to be super duper busy till I go off for the holiday.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Er, steamboat buffet? I also want!

I am as unpredictable as the weather. And I knew that all along, except its not really the wild-snow-storm kind.

I was supposed to turn up for the dinner rather happily today. But by the time I went into the cafe, JO asked why I am unhappy. Now I realised that unhappiness is really something that can be seen from my facial expression. Its not really about the results tomorrow, if you understand. Its more of the future. A future that I dont think I have. So please dont place too high hopes on me because I dont think I will live up to a comfortable future. At the back of my mind, I always worried that I cant find a d-e-c-e-n-t job. So probably as much as I am happy for JO of his newly found job, I am equally worried for myself.

And unhappiness probably followed me throughout the night though I must say that we really had alot of fun playing the games. The food really wasnt the star of the night, but the games are! Thanks for all the encouragements that you gave throughout the last set of games that we played. You know, you are so like my best friend. Both of you gave encouragements that my heart and soul seems to understand. Despite the games are really very tiny and untrivial thing and the fact is I dont really care about winning them or not, its the process that I need encouragements. For instance, when I am trying to pick up a stick to stack it on the other level, sometimes I am scared that I would shake and cause all the sticks to collapse. I am ok with losing but the drama and emotional shock/ drain of seeing those sticks fall because of you is not what I like. My heart doesnt like it. And I am motivated when each time I tried to stack one stick up and felt scared and there is someone who will tell me that it is going to be alright, that I can do it. I will smile more openly when I really achieved that. But throughout the night of playing, it probably reflect my attitudes towards my life. Initially I would go for the challenging sticks and hope to show that if I persist, I really can do it. Sometimes when you tell me that "somethings jus arent meant for" I really dont like it. Towards the end, I gave up and go for the easy ones. At this moment, I realised that I gave up on myself. Though not technically but in terms of my passion and motivation and love. I can feel that whatever I am doing now, I am doing it because there is none other things to do, and not because of passion or motivation or love.

But I must say that I have an enjoyable night laughing and playing and getting together with everyone. Which, of course brought me to think about what I like and what I am missing. You know what? I am missing all the holidays between Year 2 and 3 of university. I love the days when my best friend and I would chat through the nights and continue when we wake up, when we would agree to meet in Orchard in the next hour jus because we had nothing to do, we would roam around Orchard because we really have nothing to do, when we would hang around in the airport, when we would go for buffet, when we would do so much things together. Those days are never coming back to me and I truly miss them.

And as much as I left my phone on, I didnt want to place high hopes that you would call. I probably think that even if you do, I am probably the number-dont-know-how-many-of-your-best-friend. Actually I know, I am on the last of that list. I reckoned you would have so much about Hk to talk about. But you know what, you called! I raced across the room to pick up the phone, knowing from the special ringtone that it is you. You cured my "depression"! The days when you were away, I was "suffering" from "on-and-off depression". Though having more time to do my work (Opps!), I still want you to come back faster. Dont know why, but jus by talking to you will make me feel better, even if the real problem is not solved. I guess it is this interdependence that made us close friends.

Thats why I feel that you are becoming more appreciative (or maybe more expressive of your appreciation) in recent days. And I really look forward to the holiday, not because I am going shopping or what-so-ever, but because we can "temporarily" go back to the old days, the days when we were school kids and need not worry more than the next semester.

Anyway, afternoon lunch with supervisor was super duper long. Took 2 hours to finish. Started off with everyone talking about their thesis, the last thing I want to talk about. Its so boring to repeat my thesis for the 1001th time since dont-know-when.

Going to bed now. Not going school tomorrow, looking at how late this is already. And, the thing is, its Results Day tomorrow. Dangerous to leave me cold and alone in the computer lab.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Talk tomorrow! Erm a few hours later, that is.

Saw that slanted one! DANGER! (P/s- I like the hair). 

Erm saw that "hook"? Its for us to "drag" the sticks out... its really fun, because we would move all over the place jus to get our coloured stick out... Yes I am using R-e-d (because no pink colour!).  

We played 3 games in around 3 + hours... The stacking- of- sticks game is really very interesting! 

Thats the menu and yap, our shots.... Now I like this mango top *smucks* 

Tomorrow is Results Day. Erm, you hadnt heard me talking about it right? Yes, that is because I didnt know about it. And last week when someone told me its this wednesday, I thought (1) he is joking since he has already graduated and me being a student should know better and (2) jolly well forgot about it. Now, I am reminded that yes dear me, tomorrow 1pm is Results Day. Er.

Its way too cold for a christmas! I mean I know it is about christmas but I dont expect Singapore to be snowing. So why is the computer lab freezing like some polar regions? I know at times it keeps me awake. Many times I shivered like crazy.

[v2] sorry that I get the spelling wrongly. Its the librarian, lady in the library.

The librarian told me that I am the only student in school. Oh. She said "so poor thing, not celebrating christmas". Is it christmas already? No! Anyway I am fine, not getting into depression. In fact I am happy that the-unpleasant-people are not around. I jus treat the school compound as my home. YIPEE I have a big home. (sorry I am distracted by a call. Are you guessing? Yes, its my supervisor)

Talking about christmas. Finally my family and I would be having steamboat at home. My favorite! Another YIPEE.

Listening to a song that is titled `He asks me to Disney. Its really cute, and sings about cinderalla, castles, mickey and of course HK Disney. I dont know if it is because I am a kid or whatever reason, yesterday after buying two wrapping papers (one of hello kitty design, another of mickey's) I smiled.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Waiting for you to come back and call. Faster come back!

I wondered why dear-me is once again sleeping 5 hours only.

Anyway since I am awake, might as well get working. And ever since my printer printed my holiday out, it stopped working. Erm! Why? Argh. I need to print my work to read and see if they are ok. I need to get cover pages printed. Anyway I did some last-minutes-before-20th-gathering-shopping for the gals. And was watching TV and trying to wrap the presents up. I am so lazy huh. Hadnt been out doing anything of social value.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
What time will you reach Singapore. Faster come back!

Now I think I have turned into a mouse. Dont know why, but I cant seem to smile. I am not happy.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Waiting for you to share with me your fun experiences in HK... come back soon!

[v2]

For your information, as predicted, my supervisor had called me, again.

If it is not very obvious to you (yet), I am getting scared of doing work in the school. Not jus the air-cond, I am scared of largely unpleasant people and how I might be hurt because of them.

Hence I decided (since I have to lunch with my supervisor tomorrow) I will borrow a book and lunch with my book if I shall work in school. So I do have a lunch companion already. Yippee. Or maybe not really. But YIPEE!

What do you talk to your boss when lunching with them? Sigh.

Not going to school today. But staying home to work on my thesis also. Hopes to finish this bit before I leave for holidays. Somehow I think I will be receiving a phone call from my supervisor later (again).

I do feel as though it is christmas already. Because sometimes I am in this festive mood that my concentration level is so low. But the fact is, I am happy enough to be shopping through my literatures and journals rather than the crowded streets of Orchard. Besides the little shiny twinkle star at the side of my computer screen, besides the one brief trip to Orchard (for the absolute essential in order to change my phone plan), besides the christmas cards that I made, I am not really into shopping. In fact, I am not really into TV, not really into sleeping... I am super duper occupied, too lazy and rather nonchalant. I bet I wouldnt even do much shopping if not for my pending Bangkok trip.

Having lunch with my supervisor and her other student tomorrow. Erm. Then dinner's with my oe pals.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
What's up!

A different way in spending Sunday. I jus finished watching Legally Blond, after a day of volunteering work. Exhausted. And erm I convinced myself that I am ok with about a glass of coke. Opps. But I skipped desserts, which is ice- cream.

I try to quit thinking because it is only then can I stop worrying. But the sunday night movie is really relaxing. It tells some life lessons as well, at least I thought so. Looks arent everything; diligent can bring you further. Dont let what others' words bother you; prove it to them. And one last lesson, which I believe totally in- Never give up on yourself. But each time when I am weak I forget everything.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
2 more days...

Pictorial definition - I am going for a holiday after Christmas.

Ok I am not sounding as if I am looking forward to it. Indeed, I am those that would like to pack jus one, two days before a holiday. And it is then am I excited about it. Excitement or anticipation that are held on too long will fade away in colour. Anyway I was reading up on some must-do, must-go places, though I think eventually, it is not very necessary.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Faster come back. I am getting into a depression soon!

I hadn’t talked much about my thesis because this is the last place I want to once again write about my-writing-of-my-thesis. But it doesn’t means that it is a smooth and easy journey that I am going through. It also doesn’t mean that I am not worried about it. Maybe by not writing, I am denying myself of the facts.

As you already know, I am trying to have a healthy diet. Only once did I fail to resist temptation of drinking coke. So on thursday when the other candidates were wondering where to have lunch, I suggested Mac. I jolly well knew that Mac served coke. But thanks but no thanks, I find the Mac in Changi Airport Terminal 2 to serve rather bad food. Cold and small burger with little sauce and fries with no salt at all (less salt and no salt are two different things). Once again coke became the saviour of the day. Opps. Then I had instant noodles for lunch today. But other than that, I am sticking to drinking fresh orange juices, low fat milk, and less sugar, reduced fat and very organic brown rice soya bean milk in place of coke. However I anticipate that this is very much a short term discipline. Reckoned that the level of coke in me would increase the moment I landed on the lands of Bangkok. Of course, I convinced myself (once again) that coke prevents sore throat for me and thereby preventing a bigger disaster. So please if you are lunching and dining with me, control me!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
It is so warm here, so cold there, right?

Two days ago, some group of year 4 who were also working in their thesis in the computer lab went ahead for lunch. Went by me (since my terminal is nearer to the entrance than theirs) happily together for lunch. Among the four of them, I know two of them quite well (even). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame them for not asking me along for lunch. I am no princess who needs an invitation for lunch, but I am not the kind who would jolly said "I will join you guys for lunch". Nor am I the petty one who would remember such things. But the point that I wanted to illustrate is, I am

a. an introverted extrovert. I.e. I am an extrovert among my best friends, getting along with them very well. But many others who have not know me or not well enough would think I am either an introvert or an arrogant snob.

b. a stubborn person. As much as I truly dislike lunching on my own, I will not take up a late-and-since-you-looking-for-us-then-oh-so-you-want-to-join-us-for-lunch invitation. Ok I imagined you are shaking your head in disbelief but I rather eat on my own. And that is what I did. Sorry, the stubborn me is not one who accepts pity- invitation by others.

But my best friend told me something that I wanted to thereby share with you guys here. He said, the food doesn’t taste nicer with people around you, the food doesn’t come in bigger portion with people around you. I guess he wanted to highlight to me that I am ok on my own. Instead, my best friend took up the role of being my lunch companion for that day. Talking to me over the phone while I tried to struggle holding my tray of food with one hand, and while I started eating. Though your companion didn’t last till I finish my food, I understood what he wanted me to understand. And I will start getting used to lunching on my own and not always associated loneliness with that. My best friend often lunches alone too but yes I am his phone-lunch-companion.

Thank you for all the life lessons that you share with me. I will always remember this lesson and practice them well. So now I have another reason to remain stubborn, to remain upbeat with eating lunch on my own (read: I thereby don’t need pity-lunch-invitation, thank you).

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Lets be our phone-lunch-companion always.

Had a long day with company presentation, helping dad, grocery shopping with mum and trying to sleep. Anyway I am sick. Again?

Woke up in the morning feeling so exhausted (due to all the lack of sleeps because I cant sleep). Was feeling so replaced for the whole day. Not unhappy but not happy. But wanted to thank you for the thank-you note you wrote.

I know I will be looking forward to the Bangkok trip (as far as I am not very much excited yet)! Its the first present of a new year and the best I can ever ask for! Thanks ar, I think you are going to be shopping BIG TIME too, not jus me! I will prepare more luggage spaces for you! Haha so nice of you ar, to offer jus to help me carry! But I probably be thankful if by then I do not end up carrying some of yours! *smucks* And hey no problem, best friend.

And erm I still dont know what is that something you wanted to buy for me. But whatever it is, I am very thankful for your presence, memories and companion. As much as you have no idea, you have been my source of strength and motivation many times. Each time when I am down and sad and depressed, you somehow could make my day. Please always be my best friend.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Hadnt probably anything in HK since you landed today? I will be expecting!!

Ok after a night of crazy online booking and chatting, I am tired (f-i-n-a-l-l-y) and ready for bedtime.

I think my excitement are largely suppressed for some super duper zuper obvious reasons (if you dont know, sigh!). In fact, I think another reason is that I am practising the lesson too well - to be prepared for disappointment.

But I jus wanted to say thanks to you. As much as the main purpose is not really holidaying for you, I am very much thankful for making me your traveling partner, once again. Also realised that recently you really are more appreciative towards a lot of things you might have taken for granted in the past. Looking forward to you coming back from HK (and of course all the luggages that comes with you)! Erm I will try to guess what you wanted to buy for me. Anyway, jus enjoyed yourself. Not necessary to buy anything for me. Sincere words. From day 1 till today, I do not have any expectations of you. And I know you are always buying things for your friends, and always thinking while walking along streets of Hk what to buy for them. So I am ok to be absent from that list. As long as you come back with excitement and enough sharings of HK with me, thats happy for me. And yes, everytime when you asked me what I want, I said "nothing much/ some food will do".

Hints given by you of something that you would be getting for me (and you reprimanded me for being so absent-minded, though you reckoned that I must have bought too much of stuff during my HK trip to rememeber *smucks*)
- A thing that can be used, not edible
- Very heavy, so heavy that I should be grateful you get it back for me
- Something that you think I want
- Something that I gotten quite excited over it (or at least you thought I got quite excited over it)

Anyway I think I am sick. Once again.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
As much as you want to thank me , I want to thank you for giving me motivation again.

Waiting... 

My confirmation screen...  

My Canon Bubble- Jet S400SP is printing my holiday out... Oh!  

I am so tired today. Was at the airport early in the morning. Airport is a nice place. Said that every time I was there. Yes, I dont need a reminder that my dear friend is going off to HK soon (read: tomorrow).

But getting away from computer lab for one day is good. Make it two. Have to make a company visit tomorrow so probably be home by the afternoon. Good. I need some rest.

Nothing is on my thoughts.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Still only have thanks to you.

[v2]

I dislike: the hypocrates, the insincere, the cowads. I had lunch on my own.

I am not some young child. I am not that dependent. I am not that weak.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for the lunch phone-over companion.
Are we going on an holiday? Yipee (to the possibility).

Thanks MY for the advises and the sweet.

Yesterday, there was no goodbyes.
Today, there was no morning hi
A glare, a moving glare
Someday, there will be nothing
No passing by, no smiles and no concern

Trying to be very productive today. *smucks* And yes, stop being confused. I will start by reading up on eagles, hawkers and turbine!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You told me, some happiness must be fought for. But I am not fighting.

I think it might be rather obvious (ok maybe not very obvious then) that my life is in a mess, my emotions are confused, my lifestyle is inappropriate, my bedtime & mealtime are irregular and what not. I will take tonight to do anything other than my work (I will try to not work at home but work in the day at the lab), to talk as much as I want and to catch up on sleep (I dont know how I can do everything altogether). I promised I will try to be productive, normal, up and going tomorrow.

Was talking to my best friend over lunch such that, surprisingly, I finished a huge bowl of noodles. Yes, without giving any food away. And yes, I must have sounded so talkative. All I do is talk, chat and talk. Nah. As noted by many, I barely do anything but my thesis nowsaday. Lost interest in shopping, not much left for TV either. Blogging and talking are probably a few "life" aspects left in my life. Anyway, I only have one such best friend who can jus talk our hearts out. After that, I was listening to the conversations of other year 4s. And "made" two guy friends help me carry my heavy stuff (when I realised one could do the job satisfactorily). Sorry and thanks! Long lunch!

Finding increasingly difficult to concentrate. Either I have much coordination work to settle, or my brain cant work faster. Argh! I dislike it when I am having low productivity. Tomorrow will be better, I promised!

Titled: Can you lead the way
I dont know
whythere is no taking turns to speak
our spaces are filled with great silence
and we do not even talk about work
I dont know why none of yesterday happened today
though I know it is muslim

I dont know why
I see not a face of friendliness
a face of concern
a face of friendship

But I still like it
when you said "ok" so naturally
when you would speak and I will listen attentively as a child
even when I am on the phone
I know you are next

Today, I saw the way
when you pulled your face, and I dont know why
when you are far away
when you kept all to silence mode
when you don't smile
when you don't talk
when you really left me with hi-bye

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You must have known it, but I am telling h-i-m "si ying - maybe we shall stop talking for a while. my heart can't be breaking all the time".

I wonder if I am happy today.
I wonder if I am happy today.

Listening to my all-time favourite christmas song - Last Christmas. Heard this song long time ago but fell super in love with it last christmas (literally, 2004's Christmas) at Men Department, Tangs.

I always think there is a distinction between (1) having no liking and (2) dislike. Or am I too complicated? And I came to realise something about love- when you are in love, everything about the person is beautiful. Thanks ar, jus in case you are thinking, no I am not in love with a-n-y-o-n-e at the moment, except if you were thinking of my thesis as well. *smucks*
Anyway besides another year 4 and me, plus 3 others and the lab assistant, the computer lab is largely desserted and very-much freezing. Erm lunch companion?
My attempt to be healthy: I had soya beancurd and 1 egg tart for breakfast, and orange juice in place of coke. Healthy! Lasting?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You know, you know, you know...
And I know its Level 2 *smucks*

I have this weird idea of trying to have a healthier diet, but I reckoned its jus an idea? Recently I am surrounded by healthy-eating people (mostly guys) whom go less on sugar and fried stuff. So it is a right choice to stick to mixed vegetable rice this afternoon (actually its because no one wanted to go to Mac), to skip coke (a recent addiction that I must seriously cut down on but finding troubles to do so), to skip ice cream (actually because I didnt want to eat ice cream on my own), and lead a healthy diet (opps! I jus had half a packet of instant noodles). So how far am I to being healthy? I need discipline! I need someone to discipline me and my diet! And once again, I realised that a healthy diet includes having my meals regularly. Thanks ar!  

Titled: The way I like

I like the way
When we have to take turns to talk
When we do not share silence
When we do not talk about work

I like the way
When you would refuse to take my share of food
When I have to “force” you to
When you will sit and pretend to discipline me to eat

I like the way
When you will tell me to relax
When you will tell me to eat regularly
When you will joke about anything

I like it
Even when you don’t share my interest in eating ice cream

I like it best
When you might have already gotten used to listen to me talk at night
When you might have already gotten used to my nonsense
When you might have already gotten used to talking to me as I ventured the nights

Rather than the way
When you will pull a long face, and I do not know why
When you will walk away
When you will keep to your silence
When you don’t smile
When you don’t talk
When you only have Hi-bye for me

You said I should get a dietarian
To realize that it’s great to eat without restrictions

I wish you will be my dietarian

I reckoned only in my dreams, that is

The writer's note
I am so much a spoilt brat!?

So sad, my dearest best friend is going to HK. *sob* I think I will be in a lousy mood on Friday till he is back (read: till I get my supplies of HK food!)

Had lunch at arts. Bad appetite. Kinda weird because I have been eating with different people since the times when I come back to school to work on my thesis. Erm yes, dear me is back in school everyday. But the point is, I dont enjoy eating with people I dont really know because I feel uncomfortable, especially when not knowing what to say. Today is better though it started off really weird too. But an hour off work doesnt seem enough!

Anyway I realised I didnt publish my blog properly that is why the achives arent working. Haha wanted to look for something and realised this.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Send me to HK too!!! Ok I am jus trying to keep myself in the right mood (to work).

I went back to sleep, wishing that I could relive those HK times. Looking at the current desktop in school, I so wish I can do that all over again. Even if it meant only the Kimberly nights, I will be super duper happy. Maybe thinking of that, maybe talking to you, maybe msn-ing with you, its enough to keep my spirits high. Maybe. Maybe that is why depression/ low spirits only hit me during the nights and the weekends. Thats when I know I cant turn to you.

But as much as that, I know a part of my heart has relied on the weekdays' sight. I know you dont get what I mean, but jus read between the lines.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one who remembers our HK trip. Its so nice laughing over the "low" and "high" kimberly temperature over the phone jus now. Its Monday and you have already made it less blue.

Finding ways to keep myself happy... 

Finding evidence of christmas... (overdue photos)