I thought I was right. I thought I piece them up nicely such that what I see is what it is. Of course, I was wrong. Never like modeling or decision trees that we learn in statistics or operations management modules, life isnt about "what if" and "if..then".
~
The eve of Chinese New Year eve. I was still in school. The workaholic side of me must have not recognised that it was a holiday. I was zapping textbook, borrowing books, trying to get s-o-m-e software (but to no vain).
The eve of Chinese New Year eve. Classes still go on. He will still be in school.
He will still be in school. I knew where exactly.
~
Morning.
I walked by. He looked up.
I looked straight. He looked down.
I walked on.
Another heart encharting moment.
~
After lunch.
He came into the lab.
Two weeks of ignorance and avoidance. Finally on behalf of my friend, I had to talk to him.
I caught his attention and directed him to my friend.
Looked at my friend, "Dont look at me. You were the one who wanted to ask question."
My friend asked her question with my back facing him.
I briefly laughed at the answer that was given.
I knew, at that moment, that two weeks of determination was down the drain.
Now, I will not know if two weeks of ignorance and avoidance would evoke any emotions within. But the fact is, I always knew it did and it wouldnt.
Once again, I was used to my efforts becoming unrecognised. Lets not even mentioned about rewards. God must have forgotten about me.
He left. How I wished it wasnt jus the lab that he left behind.
~
4 hours later.
I saw his friends.
The first piece of the puzzle. I placed it at the right hand corner of the frame.
If there is only one thing that you cannot doubt me, it must be this. I must have been born to be a dreamer who aspire to be a writer. I see that in my life too often. I see pieces of events and I could glue them into a reality that I believe in. But the truth is, all these were my illusions. The most, my clever guesses. But everything was build on my belief such that illusions are jus air bubbles.
His friends were playing computer games. I assumed they were killing the time. I placed this second piece next to my first piece. His friends, or better known as my friends or maybe known as some friends or possibly the friends, and I briefly exchanged some conversation.
Then I headed for the library. To get more stuff to work through the Chinese New Year.
When I was done, I walked back to the lab. Before I reached the last step of the stairs, I heard one shot to laugher. I knew it was him. I need not look at my watch to tell that he was done with his class. Then I saw the friends leaving the lab. My third piece of the puzzle was placed at the bottom right.
I recognised everything with his name. I recognised his bag, his laptop, his jacket, his pencils, his coffee cup, his sweet pack, his tee, his slippers, his back view, his voice, his laughers.
I created the fourth, which is the last, piece of the puzzle. They were going out for dinner. Together. To town. Because they went the other way.
I created a picture out of the pieces that I saw. After bumping into the friends outside the lab, with them helping me picked up my fallen sheets of notes, I went into the lab to get the pages zap.
Minutes must have passed. Everyone must have a date on the eve of Chinese New Year eve. Everyone, but me.
~
Evening.
I returned the book to the library and waited for my father in the walkway.
Then I turned and I froze.
I saw him. Maybe a figure like him. Or maybe its him.
The puzzle that I created wasnt the reality. I thought he was dining with his friends.
I knew he must have seen that I saw him. Ignorance wouldnt work, and everything was too fast to avoid.
"How's your thesis"
At the back of my mind, I detest this topic. Not only it was something that I really dont wish to repeat a dillion (much more than a million, billion or zillion) time. But also because it was a question suitable for all friends.
I didnt want to be friends.
Rattling on, I spoke as if I had so much accumulated over the two weeks. But all along he seemed as though he was in a hurry to leave while I looked as if I wasnt.
When my father's car came, we said "bye" hurriedly.
I knew I cant promise there is no more two weeks ahead.
~
Night.
Back home, when I called to ask for a book loan, again, he seemed as though he was in a hurry to end while I looked as if I wasnt.
Maybe its time to leave illusions behind.
~
Morning.
After morning, I said, even if I stray and search for my happiness I will still wait patiently. When you pulled away from my world, when you pushed me out of your world, when our worlds are far apart, when I cant see nor reach out to your world, I said I will wait patiently.
Every happiness that I pursue are air bubbles. Invisible, without existence and unable to leave traces on.
~
End notes.
RuYi said that if there is no love, its comforting enough to have memories.
You told me, not to tortue myself and let everything go. You asked me to stop building memories.
He said, some things cannot be forced. But he also said, I could do it.
RuYi's mum described marriage to be like a pair of shoes. One can never do without the other pair. Maybe happiness too.
ChunChun said, the one you love can bring an-infinite hours of agony, but one's life is surrounded by the 1 second of happiness he can give.
Lance said, he is happy because you are happy.
I have nothing to say to no one.
The writer's noteMaybe happiness only exist in other people's lives but mine. God had forgotten to write my name on one bag of happiness, I reckoned. Because I didnt have any option, so there is even no need to choose, no need to wait.
