(May)Be

Dont ask me why, dont ask me how long it will last, dont ask me how come. I have no answers to offer. Like I say before, I dont like the-me in this way.

I will jus walk to the train station and suddenly overwhelmed by the tears in my eyes that I have to sob and clean them away.

I will jus stand in the train and my eyes will get wet and I have to sob and swallow them.

I will sit and look by the city and talk on the phone but uncontrollably my tears have to flow and I really cried badly over the phone.

Today is slightly better, I hope. But maybe its jus because I have yet to be informed of the cancelled museum trip, I imagined. Jus that I even feel too tired to go for my run.

I'll do that tomorrow.

Dinner, chinese food

Two packet of chinese food, each at USD5, for 5 items, was enough for the three of us.

And already we have bought 5 litres of water. I make sure I have enough water by drowning myself in 10 mouthful of water every night, therefore resulting in me waking up every now and then to visit the toilet. All thanks to jie lun's songs and my eye shades, I can slip back into sleep most of the time.

I rather feel depressed than distanced.

Having fun

Shopping, taking photos...

The satisfaction from doing an unbroken 5km run is immerse. What used to puzzled me about how people seem to be addicted to running no longer puzzle me. Running is as addictive, if not more, as drinking coke. You sweat, your body moves. You breathe hard, and you feel alive. Previously once a week 1+ km run and 1+ km brisk walk satisfy me. Sometimes I even feel that I have to drag myself to put on that pair of running shoes and then another dragging force to get to the running track. Now, my body tells me its time to run if I hadnt been running. This week, had been 5km one day apart (and I planning one more 5km jus because I cant swim this week and you say running is better, can get thin faster). Other than my inner pride to must be thinner than you and therefore every time I hear you running I immediately want to dash out and outdo (still I dont understand why I have to compete with you on everything but I jus feel so competitive at times like this), it seems to be my ever-lasting never-ending evergreen lifelong goal to be thin, lean and fit anyway. In which eating sandwiches for lunches wouldnt work miracles on its own.

Yet on the other hand each time after my run, I get very conscious of how my body is reacting. On Monday, my knees clamped on me and it feels so painful to even walk. Today, my heart seems to beat super duper zuper auper fast until I cant even feel the heartbeat. Maybe its jus me thinking too (too) much.

Whether it helps to reduce depression? I must say this satisfying run does its share of that. At least my very-bended hair from using the hairband all day becomes straight-perfect after the run. And at least I think I feel slightly better, hoping that I can sleep through the night. And at least tomorrow when you whine about your lack of running/ you showing off your running records, I too have mine to share.

But really, I hope my passion for running follows me for life. At least it is one way (I think) I know that I am taking care of my body (other than the fact that I drown myself in coke and instant noodles and smaller portion of food that my body needs, sometimes).

Take your food, weigh your food

And the lunch after shopping at H&M is at this Italian buffet restaurant. You pay according to how heavy your plate of food is. I think its USD6 per pound (?).

The food is generally alright, jus that noodles are abit too oily for my liking, and meat are usually served with sauces that are too salty for my liking.

Jus came out of meeting and due for another. Which means cant squeeze a run in. Actually is can but actually also cant.

Dont know waiting for what but I will dash out for my run after work. If I get off work early.

Sometimes its running and swimming that keeps me alive. At least it keeps me feeling that I am alive, a goal I want to accomplish for the day. Now that the sun is out and I cant swim, I think its adding onto the depression woes.

When depression hits, everything counts. Running, non-disruptive hair, shopping, wearing new clothing, eating, talking, music, entertainment, getting thinner, getting more sleep, either getting alot of work on hand or nothing on hand... everything counts towards helping the depression.

And so today with my new jacket, lunch plan to do my run and the golden hairband to clear my hair from my face... I am working hard to battle with t-h-e depression that doesnt seem to go away after hopefully 2 days.

I dont know how to lie, neither do I know how to pretend its ok if its not ok. So to the (again) So sorry, what I can only give is Ok. I dont know how to reply anything more than that (is this considered being a spoilt brat, I really try my best). Neither do I want to know if its a lie. I know there are lies before but I dont go around assuming everything are lies. Jus dont let me know again alright, this is the only exchange condition for any lie if any.

But it really was meant to be a cheer-me-up dinner turning into a be-me-back-into-depression.

I think I am taking a bus home, because I think its less likely to be caught crying in a bus than doing the same in a train.

(Always) Pretty in pink.

Macy, like taka, has nothing for me. I am more into street culture. Plus I am neither too rich nor too tall to fit into stuff in Macy.

Oh you cant see but the carrier on my hand is from H&M hehe. Though I wish, but I doubt I will go crazy when H&M comes to Singapore. Its going to be as usual expensive. I rather do Barcelona anytime.

First day, is of shopping and more shopping

First day consists of shopping. Reason being- I wouldnt feel safe without doing the necessary shopping yet/ I love shopping too much to do other things first, and because Fashion Ave is jus 5 minutes away from my hotel which makes navigating easier for the first timer in a new place. Shopping is the universal language, I was told.

In fact first day shopping was done only in H&M and F21. Almost 6 hours there, amazingly even to myself. I think I spend around USD300 (S$450) within 6 hours consisting of dresses, shirts, skirts, bag, hair bands.. Sometimes I think shopping should be made as a career for people like us. Haha

Even though I came prepared, I am still disappointed with the usual ya can understand, you confirm later. I guess I learn to stop making a big fuss like a little girl, but still. To face the omg, and tried to instead pretend I am ok. I even was thinking of doing lunch since I should be able to leave this area for a while but seems like I should go get some good soup for lunch in case dinner's jus instant noodles.

Instant noodles's (always) ok, its more of the companion.

My Jie Lun chips... to look forward to

You and your soya milk... That one not much hor...I think use finish le you will be depress!

In my attempt to repair my mood, I got a second try in making the card. Instead of the original 2-colour Mickey head with zen-like strips, I opt for this. At least this design has a lower likelihood of me spoiling things. I dont think I can take it to spoilt it a second time.

How are you, I asked but I am not fine.

Anyway I feel the earthquake tremours again.

And I am still depressed. Argh.

I think there is this sense of worry hanging in the air. Jus that I guess I knew everything seems beyond my control, and half the time I was praying and working hard, while half the time I feel too tired to strive on. And then I tried to focus my attention onto getting enough sleep and sports and music. But you see amidst this I spoilt a card yesterday- I drew the outline too many times that it kinda didnt go the way I wanted it. By the time it was done, I was too depressed to re-do.

The run made me/my body feels better, but the thing is, it doesnt make the problem(s) go away.

There is this sense of reluctance.

Dinner; let me get used to it

I knew my parents would want some chinese food. Can understand that since I too craved for chinese food on my second night in Barcelona. Sometimes its the smell and sight of unfamiliar food, other times its jus your taste buds. Anyway I gotten them some food from this store run by a Korean. Supposed to weight the food. Also gotten the small burger (about 1/4 of the regular burger size) from White Castle, as well as wraps from Taco Bells.

I have the determination because of love.

Done 5km this morning.

Will I, have the love because of determination.

Alright, my lunch plan's changed. From window shopping changed to jogging. 5km!

I am depressed.

I jus need to get used to the over-dramatic emotions because even if I feel the same way it wasnt the s-a-m-e as that s-a-m-e that I feel. Some people, like me, are meant to over-act, over-feel, over-say and over-react.

I mean I should feel happy, or rather at least carefree, since all the weekends are now truly mine (and not belonging to the books). I can do what I want, I need not feel tired nor bored nor stuck, I know it is a legal reason to not do much things because come the time when I am back to preparing for exams I wouldnt feel I have the legal rights already. And I shouldnt feel as if I left something behind.

So I, must try, shouldnt.

I will only say this once.

Long ago I already knew what I want. The passing years can only confirm and reconfirm that I really want what I think I want. However I found what wasnt meant to belong to me.

To stay this way is the only way.

I see you on stage, I see you sing, I see you in front of me, I see you.

The way jus like how Jie Lun and me are.

Tonight is the night to look forward to, the night that got me hang onto the hard and long week at work. We are among those who clings on life outside of work to get us the motivation to work, I dont know if you are. The dinner (sure to be good even if we hadnt decide), and the presents-exchanging. Not forgetting the Jay concert DVD.

Previous days already yielded much suggestions for dinner- Arnold's fried chicken, T3's popeye, Parkway Parade steamboat (and before that was Golden Mile steamboat, Sushi Tei and Crystal Jade). The obbession for steamboat grew and there seems no other place for steamboat better than PP.

And so it was a night of classical blur friends.

The moment someone dashed out of office, I knew it because I got a call. I can smell freedom and life outside of work already, even if I am still in office. It was a mad rush for me actually, because after the train ride, it wasnt long that the bus came. I was told to make it to Convention Hall within 5 minutes. I grabbed my bag and dashed out for the bus stop.

Jus as I arrived there, I was told the bus was turning around the corner. Was even given the bus number place jus in case I board the wrong bus. And so I board the bus and smiled.

Very interestingly, I was being walked passed and both of us stood next to each other by the alighting door. I was facing the back and catching my breathe, and wondering why the pretend didnt see me behaviour. Then my handphone rang. The person in front of me (other than keep looking at the people at the bus stop and wondering if I have board the bus in front of bus36) has to call me because I was told that the impression I give people is very blur (and it is totally likely that I board the wrong bus). Of course it was blur-say-blur talk. Laughed like crazy and I have to be reminded that I dragged someone round and round taking the train in Bangkok and will always be remembered because everyone was already tired and dirty and also because when I became the follower instead, we got onto the first right train back to hotel. Revenge talk.

Very interestingly again, I have to ask when we must alight when the bus jus come to the PP stop. I got off and where is PP? I have to explain that it was because I very long never come already but it seems useless because I was told I very long never come also.

The 2-person portion steamboat set and the small fried rice, the same food we had when we came here back then. We were, very interestingly, given the same table and each of us naturally took the same seat again. It was everything also have to divide into half, the fried rice dont know why but is very nice to eat, the dong fen also very nice to eat, I still got a cup of drink to finish because we dont waste food. We were eating like illegal immigrants, full until cant be anymore full, dont know why always come here to eat is have to eat until the stomach wants to burst. Its down to the last few strands of dong feng that I was told was mine, the mushroom must cut into half, and everyone jus fight for the smaller dumpling, the smaller prawn. Walked past the Thai Resturant and everyone jus fight to treat each other to buffet dinner, the second round. Haha.

Walked to East Coast Park, but no breeze. Sat at Burger King but not comfortable enough. Decided to get deserts. Even though we were thinking of PP's ice cream, but with no place to sit, was decided that we can go S for deserts if we get a cab. We got a cab and so we had waffles. I love strawberry ice cream with waffles. Totally forget about what fat or what laps or how many km.

The presents exchange. I got my Jay concert DVD, a can of potato chips with Jay's face on it (I never buy for other people, only you have, see already also know must buy for you), 4 tins of biscuits, and one box of honey pomelo dip. And the Lush Retread Made-in-Japan very good for hair, very expensive, so hard to carry back until got leaked conditioner. Made me happy.

And someone gotten the H&M white belt (you know what I like, I happen to be looking for white belt), M&M tennis ball (cute), tin of colourful sweets, strands of rainbow twists (this one I see already dont know nice or not to eat I also will buy one), half tin of M&M, one mini tub of peanut butter, some black tea, mixture of toffee, chocolate mint, Trident bubble gum, a pack of (very spicy) chewing gum. And the lemon tea that someone wants to drink as a reward for gym tomorrow. And the sealed pop corn. In that signature H&M white carrier and yellow NY Times Square M&M carrier with the JetBlue luggage tag.

The dinner, and the night ended.

So has the highlight of my all-working week.

Come tomorrow and Sunday for alot of hours of sleep, a run (if any especially when I left my jogging shoes in office), and Jie Lun. My hair will be soaking in the soya milk (if you never tell me I would think is food leh) conditioner.

If you still hadnt know, Jie Lun, is my (invisble) friend. Haha

*
The thing about us is, we both love bimbotic things, and food and fashion and 38 entertainment news. We are those that will drag back of luggage packed filled with clothing and food when we go holiday. We get excited over shampoo we dont get here, we get excited over fashion we dont have here, we get excited over exotic tastes we dont get here. Even though I am quite convinced you were the teacher of me.

Sometimes I feel that we go on holidays to see the world for each other. Isnt it nice with all these presents-exchange, to think of what to get and to look forward to what to receive. Like I was promised Jie Lun tee if can find which became Jie Lun chips and DVD.

There is talk that your NY trip is next year. Cool (your turn to H&M-ing)!

Hope we do holiday again this year, because this is what makes us look forward to what we think are meaningless lives!

wat he does i cant be bothered to know

as long as he doesnt know wat i do

Almost like a puzzle that I might never have answers to. I too wanted to say that all the mad rush of train and bus will get you closer but no.

Anyway its the friday to look forward to. No more sleeping but steamboat at PP and presents-exchanging, including the promised shampoo, and I-know-it-will-make-you-happy jie lun. So excited!

my body here
soul already gone

My soul has flew to [.]

The other day I had a thought while jogging. But these days I jus keep forgetting about jotting it down.

I joined a marathon and I was looking forward to it. It isnt something big (in this case jus a marathon), it isnt something record-breaking (because it is jus 5.6km). Jus that it is a goal that I can work for myself. And I was thinking the marathon certification (I think there is one?) would be something like the marriage certification. The long journey doesnt depend on the paper. The most the paper can give is a recognition but whether it is a good run or not, you have to work on it.

First few hours, of running all over the place

Requested for an early check-in (NY hotels check-in is at 3pm) but was told that the hotel was full. So went to Kmart to get water. Went back hotel to let my parents have the water. Then went to Fashion Ave's H&M. Dumb me shop at the first and second floor. Didnt realise that was a basement (which the following day I realised) then went back to check-in and log into the free Wifi. Then went out on my own again, this time to the tip of Times Square. Then bought dinner and went back hotel.

no wonder i can get along with u

because u even more 38 than me.... haha

Still its steamboat tonight!

I love steamboat.

The New Yorker Hotel, 34th Street, 8Ave

This is the lobby. The crystal-gold lights on the ceiling, and this reception all look fine. Think the hotel is undergoing renovation, and after 60 over hotels and reviews, I finally decided on this. Got a renovated room (read: more expensive) non-smoking 2 queens bedroom.

Location wise- excellent. Along Fashion Ave. Which means I am jus 10-15 minutes away from Empire State, Macy (not that I really like their styles), H&M and everything you deem great for a shopper. 34th street means near to Times Square on the 42nd as well. Jus one traffic lights to the main Penn Station (subway). Chinese food nearby, Kmart's 5 minutes away, DF drug/convenience store also 5 minutes away, pizzas (NY pizzas' excellent!). Will recommend to anyone who is going NY.

I've been working since the weekend and this week's definitely hard-earned money.

Not feeling in the best mood. Hope the weekend is something to look forward to.

I think this is one of the expensive area around Lower Manhattan. And I really like such buildings.

In the cab.

Toll charges for this...

hehe

Into Lower Manhattan

Excited in looking around for building and landscape that I have come across before and pointing them to my parents.

Empire State is one for sure, and I know seeing it big in front of me means that we are near to our hotel, even though I cant reconcile 1 block as being very near.

And Empire State isnt the way I thought it would be, though special and beautiful in its way. Especially the night when I came out to buy dinner and saw it in its blue and red lights.

I must have stopped being a girlfriend (aka a friend to other female friends). No longer were the times of girls waiting for girls to go toilet together. No longer were the times of shopping together, sharing the same changing room, and even changing the clothing to try on. Grown up or busy or jus too lazy. In fact I enjoyed jus doing things on my own, though occassionally yearning for companion. I think the only girlish things that I am doing are reading/writing emails to the girls, and occasionally texting the girlfriends. I even resort to not reply to most CNY forward greeting text messages because I dont see a point to only text each other once a year.

Even too lazy for a proper meal than a egg & crabstick sandwich coupled with a cup of instant noodles, considering that the u-r-g-e-n-t project might means OT.

But the swim under the sun is great. I am back to workout.

Out of the airport, this is often what you see..

Clouds or ice or snow?

Arriving at JFK, finally

The landscape is starting to look similar, whether it is landing in Europe or landing in NY. But I guess my geography isnt good enough. I wish it was better enough to be able to explain the things that I see. Like whether is it clouds or is it snow or is it ice, like how the plane route is, like what is it that we see from above.

Told my parents to ignore whatever the people who approach them would to offer. I guess speaking a common language means its part of us to respond. Got them to wait around as I seek confirmation of the prices of getting a cab to Lower Manhattan (flat USD 45 plus toll charges plus tips if any, amounting to about USD 50 +).

It was impossibly freezing, with the wind blowing across. We had to cross the traffic and immediately opened our luggage of winter wear and gotten bundled up.

What makes your day after feeling painful to go to work in the morning; what makes your day after a whole day of reading and discussion; what makes your day after feeling so tired and sleepy.

A call. A call from Paris.

I was about to say sorry wrong number. But to realise it was Aunt from Paris!

It was a surprise, because the last time I heard from her was I-cant-remember-when.

I really want to cry because 7 hours apart and dont-know-how-many-miles away, someone is thinking of me.

haha... i actually didnt one [want] to tell u one

but thought this one can keep u happy

so say lor

I am happy to know that. Thank you.

I was about to ask about Tuesday but it has to be only Friday now because your boss is around and I think I will be late too.

at least u sound much better today
and u r IN OFFICE
so i presume u r okle

I can only say i rather sit here and whine than sit in jail and whine and i dont dare jump from 20th floor aso.

Looking forward to Friday and the weekend.

The most vivid memory I had of old couples growing old was established in Southpoint Mall, North Carolina.

The old man was trying on shoes and decided on a pair. However the store doesnt carry a suitable size of that design for him. The store assistant suggested that he leave behind his name and contact information so that they can contact him as he knows that they are getting new stocks these days. The store isnt considered buzzing at all. In fact though it was located in the supposedly biggest mall in Chapel Hill, the day seemed slow to me, someone who came from a small city whose Orchard Road is always packed to the brim. And I, was sitting in one of those chairs placed in the shoe department, looking at their conversation. The old lady, a graceful lady in long skirts, jacket and covered shoes, reminded him something. She was all along by his side. And even when they walked away to another section of the department and the old man was still looking at shoes, she remained by his side.

That moment, I wanted badly, to have someone whom I grow old (and continue to do shopping) with, even if it is a far-away and quiet town that in my sense I will grow crazy if I go and live over there now.

How long does it takes to fulfill this list of dreams.

For a while I thought its time to be living life rather than (keep thinking about) going away for holiday every now and then but I was told to be suited anytime to be a tour guide. For once I guess if I dont have a family I must be one of those that term the world as my home, to be always moving about. Not that I envy such a life, especially without a family, without an anchor, but I guess a large part of me always wanted to travel (frequently and extensively) and I find myself more and more ready to face the challenges aboard and on my own. Its yet when I travel (for too long) that I want to be home. Which makes me think what constitute to this term called home. The place that I feel safe and comfortable, clean and familiar, the place that has everything that I can call mine, the place that has my family, the place that has my room and everything I might be in possession of. Jus that little existence on Earth that I am happy to be stuck in all day long. Even if my widest dream has always been to uproot myself from here and move to another country without remaining in contact with all that I know. And the reason being the fact that I feel stuck (all the time) and I want to do this at least once.

I was told that this is a very strange idea. But the fact is I think I am working towards equipping myself the ability to do so.

So one day if I would to uproot from wherever I am now to some place far, I guess no one will know till it happens. Then I wonder aloud if I will maintain my favorite blog but I guess the answer is a surprising and rare- No.

Zen said Nonsense! So many days liao to my attribution of jetlag to sleeping so much. But it has to be, otherwise how can after a 12 hours sleep, and then a 2 hours afternoon nap, I feel/am ready to sleep (till tomorrow morning) again.

Haha.

The stack of papers, and the Google search page still waiting for me to s-e-t-t-l-e them. I was told, no one pray to ask to settle [...]. But I am starting to feel the heat at work. The projects that I am handling are still a-l-l on hold, because there are other more u-r-g-e-n-t and bigger projects going on. I am starting to think if I should put in more hours each day.

It doesnt quite seems like Chinese New Year to me, more Christmas though. I guess other than it being a holiday and having more time with the family, it doesnt quite hold too big a significant to me. Totally sounds that I am living in the shell.

It seems harder to find things that I truly care about now.

Going overseas means your skin suddenly becomes better and you need no make-up.

Tranist at Frankfurt

Frankfurt is night time when we were there. But anyway we hardly can move anywhere else but stayed within the transit area. Jus merely followed whoever in front to move along with them. It was first experience of coldness anyway. I was in my white with-golden-prints pullover and decided I need a scraf. But partially for photo-taking sake as well. Took some photos, and spend the rest of the time looking at the other transit people and filled in the forms required by Customs. Nothing to buy despite our efforts to get Euros!

But it does makes me miss Europe.