Still didnt feel like I want to go on a holiday. In fact if nothing's paid, I probably will not go? Anyway thanks for all the concern, I will be away from:

27 June 07 Night flight to Barcelona
28 June - 3 July 07 Barcelona
3 July 07 Barcelona-Paris via Ryanair
3 July -10 July 07 Paris
10 July 07 Paris-London via Eurostar
10 July - 14 July 07 London
15 July 07 London-Bath via rail
15 July 07 Bath
16 July - 20 July Conference
20 July 07 Bath-Singapore
21 July 07 Home Sweet Home

Going to shower now.

I have been having "snow fish" (I love fish), strawberries (super duper huge and sweet ones), cherries, fruits, water and soup, to prepare myself for the t-r-i-p.

By the way, anyone has Mob TV subscription? I want to watch Channel 8 and U!

Had You Tou Fu for lunch and going to take a nap now. Jus check in, and ask for a window seat.

My sister asked what would happen to my blog when I am going on holiday for 3+ weeks and I might not have internet connection. I told her my blog wouldnt expire and I will try to get some internet access, to check emails and to blog. Then she told me to blog more now *smucks*

"Have a safe n enjoyable trip"

"Hav fun. Dun buy stuff 4 me. How things r ex there. viewing ur photos gd enuff"

Then BY lend me her bracelet, to wear for safety and told me something that I gotten so touched.

"This is a promise and also a date"

"I can imagine how this trip has taken a toll on you. Be strong and enjoy the trip k. Do it for yourself. Everyone who cares about you will always be here and look forward to your return. Hugz."

"Ha. Else i also dun know how to make you less worried."

Thank you.

For some reason, this is one of my favorite photo. Maybe its my top, my favorite pair of shorts, the deceivingly-as-though-no-one's-beach, or maybe its my Mum. And she is wearing the top that I got for her in Bangkok. Maybe I will slip this photo (thats now on my office desk) into my travel journal, jus in case I really super duper zuper miss home and her.

The feeling of betrayal seemed to fade into the background. Maybe because there is that much of a friendship to talk about, but definitely it is because I know I will never pick this friendship (?) up, ever and never again, so everything seems easier as I focus more on my own trip.

Replacement will come in for a couple of days but once beaten and twice shy, I dont hope high hopes for that. Still feeling scared but I think I will be fine when Wednesday come?

Already a date with the girls, though not sure if its town/ neighbourhood for the trip's sharing. And a promised treat for Zen in return for his treat as well as the trip's sharing. Then its with Piggy and Zen meet-up when we all come back from London. Maybe a haircut (yipee!), and a lunch with ZK. Mum says she will bake an apple cake on the Saturday that I am back. And the drama that I wouldnt be able to catch for 3 weeks (maybe I should get my sister to email me a summary of each episode that I will be missing *smucks*). The bye-bye 4 years of friendship (?). My dont-want-to-remember-how-old-I-am-but-frankly-I-think-I-(my-mentality)-am-definitely-younger-than-my-numbered-age birthday. The December CFA exam.

My shopping expenses for this trip will be my own present for my birthday. *smucks* Maybe I need next year's birthday present to myself as an additional excuse.

Mum knows that I am (very) worried. She assured me that I will be fine.

The messy room...

Mum loves to cook but not that into baking. But this is her first cake- great!

Goals of the trip

General
Have fun with friends
Learn to be a/an independent, safe and happy traveller
Enjoy being with myself
Take lots of photos
Send postcards
Eat and sleep well

Barcelona
Have fun with friends
Cook/ hold a cooking competition
Shop all I can! (so many people are telling me that its a great place to shop)

Paris
Rest well
Learn to nagivate around on my own
Go for a vineyard and cellar tour
Go to Disneyland and love Mickey more

London
Never judge London but learn to appreciate it
Visit the musuems and do it slowly
Go to a stadium tour and be a fan!
Come back to compare/ share with friends who have/ have not been there

Bath
Have nice baths (since its going to be one of the better accomodation after the should-be-not-very-good-accomodation-at-Paris-and-London)
Have good food (since its provided)
Attend conference faithfully
Make sure I get to the airport for my flight home!

Things yet to be decided
Which luggage to bring
1 or 2 days to Disneyland
Pack the clothing that I want to bring but then again having second/third/fourth thoughts

Was rushing a few things for the past few days. Got down to Singtel Shop to get myself an ICC card though I dont know how much more complicated can they package their calling services. I think their staff has problems making me understand. Then gotten myself a luggage but now I am not sure if I should bring a big or a small suitcase. Jus checked out a couple more maps to the Museums. I think I like s-o-m-e museum-ings especially I have the time to slowly walk through and appreciate them. Though I keep thinking it is more fun to have friends with you to laugh/discover them. So my conclusion is, a business trip/ conference cum a holiday gives you less flexibility, so anyhow I have to learn to travel on my own because it cant always be the case when I am going for a business trip and can find friends to go on holidays with me. Jus that its still so upsetting to think I nearly done it all well and good. Which it also brings me to conclude that I am much more daring back at 17 years old than at 23. But it could also be the case where I enjoyed my previous two holiday with my friend that I thought having a holiday together is much more fun than doing it alone.

I am so tired.

Still worried.

Another day is almost over, another day nearer to stepping foot on a totally new environment and experience a change in my temporary identity: a holiday-er.

On my way home, a thought suddenly came to me. I guess along the way I remembered it, but I forgot it as well. After college, almost the time when I jus received my "A" level results, I very much wanted to go to two places- Italy and Venice. I cant remember the exact reason why I wanted to go to Italy, but I think it is because by stepping across the border of Italy it is another country (which I cant remember what). I love Venice because of the beautiful photos and must-also-be-something-that-I-read-on-Venice.

* Packing of bags *

Anyway I am so tired now. Been packing all the documents and clothings and trying to squeeze everything into the super duper small suitcase. How ar? From worried to excited to dont-feel-like-going-again. Argh.

I hope it looks rather this way, my accomodation paid for in Bath.

But ya, I dont like carpeted hotel room. But I like white bedspreeds, bright lamps, wooden furnitures, big mirrors and big space for luggage storage, modern toilet, easy-to-use TV and bottled water in hotel room. *smucks* But yes I think I will be more than thankful for this, after staying off in hostel in Paris and dorm in London.

I thought it was jus 20degrees when I checked the weather 2, 3 days ago.

Jacket? No jacket?

When one person pull out like a storm and leave you to clean up the mess, another friend offers you her oyster card so that you save some trouble. No wonder there are winter and summer- extremes. No wonder winter are getting colder, summer are getting warmer, then summer getting colder and winter getting warmer.

And, is there 2 londons on Earth? *smucks* I am hearing extremes of London over the same issues.

Thinking about the puma jacket but still trying to resolve the big problem. Where is the travelling mood?

P/S- I am trying so hard to be strong so can I ask for a early Christmas gift from Santa so that I have a reason to be surprised and smile? A (puma) jacket?

Feeling totally down. But maybe I am too prideful/ stubborn to cry in front of Zen so even though I thought I would, I ended up "scolding" more so that I wouldnt cry. And zen now knows there are lion (used to be rabbit), tiger, bat (used to be witch), wolf and zookeeper.

But it was nice standing and wondering how the fountain works. I saw it almost everyday if I walk to the train station, but didnt think much to stop for a fountain. But today we stood there and I was trying to be convinced that the water actually flows in one direction- downwards. Now I (always) love talking to a engineer. They always know something/everything about how things work. So now you know you really cant judge the book by its cover because anyone could wear a sheep's skining and be a good person, jus like how the water appears to be moving in a upwards direction. And I thought those lamps look like mickey.

Or is it because I always want things to be perfect. or is it because I am (almost) always the central of my family, (almost) always dominate the conversation my friends and I have. Or is it because I always (want to) appear to be independent but I am not at all. Because almost 10 days till my trip, I was shocked to find out that I am in fact going to be on my own for 10 days of my trip. Do you think I can trust anyone anymore.

I thought I wouldnt cry when I take the train. Because the bus provides a more personal space for thinking/crying and I know I definitely will cry if I land myself in one.

I took the train. But. I cried while walking home. But. Not enough so I didnt think I am feeling better.

Then I named my phone ack. Short form for "Black". Did I say my phone is a he.

And yes I am meeting piggy in Barcelona.

After being played out, I have 10 days all on my own in Paris and London. To that person, good luck to being who you are. I am proud to have a honest life. Even though a "sorry" does not change the situation, I think there is a need to do what is necessary. But it now no longer matters. I mean every single word I say, if you get what I mean by "it now no longer matters". Except for the payment to be made to me, lets jus say that this is it. Like I say, trust is like sand in the wind. When it gets blown away, it takes alot to go after them and collect them in a bottle. But I am (purposedly) throwing the bottle away.

Dont come near me. I dont want to turn into monsters.

And yes, ghosts are scary because when they are human being, they are even more scary.

I look forward to coming back. To meeting up and treating him. I think I want a jolin haircut?

And I will end both of them.

If there is one thing I want to say today
I think I will miss you.

Do I sound very confused. I am.

I suddenly thought this is quite a fun thing to do. Think about it, I can do it when I still have the chance (jus in case).

So yes: The 10 weird/little known things about me.

#1. I cant remember when was it, but someone asked my father "why does your daughter looks stupid". From then on, I wanted her to eat up her words, though I know this requires years to prove. I dont regard her as a relative, and for the past 23 years of my life, I've only seen her two to three times and dont care how much money she put into the red packets every chinese new year because pride is more important than money. When I graduated, at a point I was lost, because I didnt know what else I can aim for. But I guess I can continue to prove her wrong. So maybe I should thank her as well.

#2. I am someone who thinks that the washing machine is a scary machine, I dont know how to use the ATM machine without fearing that it will eat up my card and I didnt put in the document that I want to scan so ended up scanning a million times to get an empty image. When I was working while waiting for University, I always run away when I know I caused another error in the photocopying machine. I dont know how to use the DVD player and need my sister to re-teach me all the time. I will scream if I am allowed to play very complicated computer games because its too scary. I cant foward my calls (from the office phone to my mobile) because I dont know how it works. I cant archive my office mailbox because I dont know how it works as well.

#3. While I say that the world is a bad place, I remained rather child-like in my actions until each time the world proves to me that it is worse that I imagine it to be.

#4. I always feel like meeting up with friends (I dont have a lot of close friends and I dont feel a need to meet up with the not-very-close-friends frequently) but I am always wondering if they are busy and if I would be disturbing them.

#5. I love shopping but I dont spend alot, or at least not as much as you think I do.

#6. I dont really watch cartoons when I am young, except for Ninja Turtles and Care Bear. But I love Mickey and Hello Kitty alot since college days. I cant understand comics. Neither can I understand animation.

#7. I always think that I will marry a engineer. Because they are smart.

#8. I love to eat hokkien prawn noodles (one of my favorite, the others being handmade noodles and wanton noodles), with lime and a little chilli. Because Papa loves it and teaches me how to eat the noodles in this manner. I always think that Papa is somewhere nearby.

#9. I dont like to travel long distances especially on the train and I cant survive without music throughout the journey. I love to listen to music, I love to sing but I sing badly.

#10. I think I get jealous when my parents (especially my mother) pays more attention to something else/someone else than me. I love to be their little girl.

#11 (ok 1 more ok). I treasure friendships but I dont know if I can continue to do so. I recently asked the girl who "betrayed" me twice while back in college the reason why she did what she did back then and got a ridiculous enough reply from her such that I know I will not want to talk to her ever. As to my university friend, I/we went through so much that I really dont know if I am at fault to give up the friendship despite going through so much unpleasant experiences together. I set up this Auntie-Anti-Ants club jus today, and two people are in the club already. This club is meant for people we are "anti" against. "Ants" sounds like "enemy" and "auntie" jus sounds nice enough to be included as the name of the club.

After betrayals from you-know-who-from-jc, repeated cycles from all-the-more-you-know-who and this, the only way for me to survive in this ugly environment and not turn into m-o-n-s-t-e-r-s or bitter- me is to disassociate myself entirely with t-h-e-s-e people. Let me remember to bid farewell to them after the trip.

I feel like crying while talking to my boss, who sits at the other end of the table and listen.

Maybe the core problem is not jus what had happened but rather I shouldnt have placed A-N-Y trust onto A-N-Y-O-N-E. I am going to learn my lessons right? I will crawl back into my shell and maintain a distance with the-human-beings out there?

If there is one thing I want to say today
I think based on what I am going through, I deserve a huge cry.

But I am too worried to cry. 15 more minutes before another day starts. And I shall stop worrying from Day 8 counting down.

P/S- Thanks to my boss's boss, who lend me his portable D drive for photo transfering! And he even lend me his plug!!

And so I jus pay for my travel insurance, got mum to zap copies of my passport, withdraw some money.

I thought nothing can be more shocking to me than what I heard last night. Now I know its a call from London that can be super duper shocking as well.

Which WL pointed out the crux of this problem.

This world is a worse place than I imagine. And the worse thing is it will continue to become a worse-off place.

I am nursuing a bad headache. Really bad. Plus the state that I am in (ask Zen!), I feel like repeating the-whole-dramatic-story-good-enough-for-a-movie to WL, piggy and as many friends as possible.

But I guess it teaches me real hard enough to never expect anything, especially from someone else. Then it kinda forces me to grow up and depend on myself, and to be brave.

Have always agreed that it is a blessing to not know about things which I should not/ need not know about. Cant agree more.

Lets jus establish the mentality that I am, the crybaby, all on my own for now.

Miracle, I need some.

The reply
siying. saw your sms. ok will see how. maybe not. but now sick. u enjoy shopping then. let me know if u need anything for me to bring over.

Stayed over at Grandmother's place for a night. Everything's alright but I had to share a mattress with sister. There was no computer but TV was alright last night. Jus feeling tired.

Found another website with a good bus/metro/tourist London map. My room's already stocked up with stuff to bring for the trip.

And, didnt want to mention this initially, but there is really some kind of people you really jus cant stand. How I wish I can jus do my share and full stop. Such lazy manners.

I am hitting my 4,000th post s-o-o-n. Haha. Over 3,500 entries already. Ok not yet but, yes about there. I am going to come back from the trip and hit the 4,000th before my birthday. *smucks*

Hope there are more good news. The train ticket should be settled by Monday. Someone (guess who?) might be coming over to Barcelona. So yes, lets all pray and wait for the good news. *smucks*

I've always know that we should never depend on others, but I didnt know that there is not a single degree we should even mention. It makes me think if I had not learn my lessons well, or I am indeed overly trusting. I dont think I am overly dependent but really this is going to change my view on others.

Now you ask who are your friends, who trust you, and who can you trust.

If there is one thing I want to say today
For sure, I trust my family.

I supposed most of us would find the ham, the cheese, or the-whatever-that-is-being-sandwiched-between-two-pieces-of-bread to be the more tasty and delicious bit of the burger. But "sandwich" literally means either you become the witch, or the sand.

Why cant we jus have fries? All potato. No witches and no sand.

I am sending out Enquires/Confirmation emails like no-way-that-I-can-keep-track. I am calling to check on this and that like no-way-that-I-can-remember. I better check what else I need to do.

When "I do" means more than jus the promise to be the husband/ wife of someone else, because "I do" literally means "I/we do everything so that we can get marry"

I am going crazy. Maybe not to the extent of crazy, but very bottled up with the amount of Things-To-Do for the trip. Especially when each day I am faced with obstacles/ problems related to accomodation-related or transport-related issues, which often translates into more money. Its Paris-to-London-on-Eurostar's turn today. No one quite to turn to (read me), except Piggy. Luckily there is Piggy still. Then there is research on where to go and what to do. Thinking, thinking, thinking...

Jus two weeks ago I asked a colleague, "Really so many things to do for a wedding?". I think I can be more convinced of a Yes answer now.

I think I am too tired? Wanted to cry it out (yes I am a crybaby at times, laugh if you want) but felt more bottled up for my inability to cry. But when I thought of papa, I stood in the bathroom and cried. Its been almost 9, 10 years but I never stop wishing that he is there for my graduation, or that he should be around longer. He is the one and only person whom I wish he is there as well. Sometimes I didnt miss him for a long time but I guess I always miss him.

Will I ever find someone who will love me as much as him, and my parents.

Has 'respect' lost its position in society. Was waiting for the lift together with a cleaner. When the lift opens, as she pushes her cleaning equipment into the lift, the doors started to close on her. While I couldnt have reached out fast enough, the two guys, of X nationality, carried on with their conversation and could not even help by pressing the Open button. Totally convinced that whatever perception created of men from X country were merely artifical perception. While maybe not all from X country were of such nature, such seemingly discrimination of the seemingly-privilaged towards the seemingly-disadvantage are common sight all the time, under all sort of contexts. Jus how much 'respect' can be eroded among human population.

Jus feel like crying and having a good night sleep. My sleeping timetable is of a huge messy. Bottled up.

I am starting to be more convinced of the existence of lawyers, not that I was never convinced though. Jus that often not jus money is drained, but the souls and trust disappoint those involved in court proceedings.

Shall not let such junk bonds and court proceedings dampen my mood. Maybe I should think about somthing happy of my trip everyday.

Today's happy: I am going to Barcelona!

If there is one thing I want to say today
Unimportant things arent worth the trouble.

The junk bond, is showing all its unworth.

And you wait to see how much junk you are getting.

If there is one thing I want to say today
But thats what junk bonds offer.

Pink!

And this,

All the tours include:
- A visit to the changing rooms
- Sit in the managers seat in the dugout
- Walk up the players tunnel and hear the crowd roar
- Photo opportunities with the shirt of your favorite player
- How security and technology provide safety for supporters
- Find out the secrets of the hallowed turf
- Visit the press room
- Learn about the players pre-match rituals

The managers seat at the dugout!

Its not a nice feeling and I am not sure if I even want to clarify it.

Maybe the moment the trust is shaken, it seems to take a whole big load of effort to even establish the mindset to rebuild it.

Slightly re-packed the make-up bag and the day pack for the trip.

I must say I am a little more excited now. I think I will get more excited?

Planning to look at one more activity for Paris, and the probable day trips from Bath. After that it would be whatelse for the-London. Excluding time spend in travelling, its 4.5 days per city (slightly more in Bath), 2 days Disney.

If there is one thing I want to say today
Acting distant, feeling unease.

Should I clarify the root of the problem. Maybe not.

Back to studying.

Q: Is there a place that can burn a CD with my digital photos in Paris?
A: Most photo labs in Paris can burn CDs from digital camera memory cards (such as Compact Flash cards), for a fee. The Photo Service chain of labs is the one I prefer, and they offer quite a variety of services for digital photographers.

Q: Can I mail things from the Eiffel tower?
A: Yes. There is a small post office in the tower itself.

From http://www.atkielski.com/inlink.php?/main/ParisFAQ.html

Posting of postcards!!!

The finally one! Sense of satisfaction, so hope this is good. Great!

I realised that emails is the channel to use when you need to settle some issues but do not necessarily want to talk.

Even if its getting off early, there isnt a sense of happiness to look forward to the weekend. To stand in the crowded train and feel the sadness of making myself cold and distant.

Whether I have hang in for too stubbornly long, or am giving up too easily, I shall not think about it. Maybe it really isnt about how things would be like anymore, because whatever it might turn out, the unpleasant past experiences will overshadow current happenings. So eventually it could jus be me who wants to give up. Its not easy but nothing is meant to be easy.

Alright, at least another thing for the trip is confirmed. At least something happy.

I need some sleep, some research, a lot of studying and some tv-ing.

Relieved.

Despite being wiful, I know I am being looked after. Prayer of thanks.

And while I was trying to find some signals, I played the if-I-can-get-a-train-seat-before-my-stop-is-here, it means I-will-get-it. I got my train seat one stop before Clementi, interpretating it to be a last-minute-but-will-get-it signal.

I got it.

Because I drank 2 huge cups of coke today, because I have my economic book for revision to be completed by this weekend, I must study!!

"Dear Si Ying

We would be very happy to have you on Friday July 6th at 10H00 AM.

Please let us know if this is agreeable to you.

Best regards"

~

Finally, after a search through one by one. Si Ying, smile.

For sure, my boss remembers more things than I do. Had a discussion with him on 4 June and he reminded me that I had my 1 year in office already. My first day was 1 June 06.

And he treated me (us) to Carl's Junior, which after 2 cups of my favorite drink and a pack of fries, I left the huge burger untouched. I still remembered the Sakae Sushi treat I had for joining the division. Many thanks.

If there is one thing I want to say today

Let me skip the silly mistakes I made.

One secondary school memory that remains quite clearly with me was those days when Piggy and I would sit along the corridor of our classroom while chinese lessons were conducted (we are exempted). We would dream and she always wanted to see the world, let it be furthering her studies overseas or other options. I remembered I had a similar thought, though not as passionate about it as her. Subsequently when I came out to work, the period before I took up CFA, I found life to be rather boring and meaningless. I came home and glued myself to the computer or TV, speaking/ listing to my family in between of breaks. While I see my peers going overseas, be it for a short period or like Piggy being away for a year, I thought it is a viable option that I would grab immediately when given. This going away for almost a month quite changed my mind. I supposed I am still very much the girl at heart, who love to stick around with my family. Homely or to the worse case of being dependent. But having my family so involved in my life, and me being so involved with the rest of the family, I supposed unless there is extremely great monetary or career satisfaction that I cant match elsewhere, currently I wouldnt be willing to leave everything I have in Singapore for somewhere else. At least not for now.

Crybaby.

Jus one day out of the office and it seems full of commotion. And one of the commotion was contributed by me when I bought a huge and very heavy (at least to me) shoe rack and trying to ask around how to fix it up (because I am guessing they gave me insufficient number of connectors) and how to bring it back. So in the end around 5, 6 colleagues contributed to the fix-it-up plan and the how-to-bring-it-home plan. Fun, and thanks.

Also came back to read the email that WL send to me. Guess she understands me and things. So glad to read the email to know that I am not wrong.

If you need to repeatingly reaffirm your trust and belief, especially when you have friends telling you its time to stop being soft-hearted, it is time.

If there is one thing I want to say today
Jus do it.

I will.

I went to bed recalling mum laughing heartily and loudly to my storytelling. Which is why I love coming home, skipping sleeping or tv-ing to tell her about the interesting happenings in the day. Either I have many interesting stories to tell, I have great storytelling skills or everyone jus love to pay attention to me.

If there is one thing I want to say today
I love to storytell to my mum, and dad and sister.

I cannot decide whether to keep the 22colour eyeshadow plate or to exchange it for the loose powder.

And I got a blusher puff. Puff puff.

Cannot remember when I have started this thing whereby sometimes I would write "If there is one thing I want to tell you today", in which my last was on 25 May 2007. But, neither are of any importance. Things that you dont want are not important, right.

Will change it to "If there is one thing I want to say today" from today onwards.

So yes.

If there is one thing I want to say today

I love my home.

Waiting for the new songs.

Hope it sells!!

I am convinced I have split personality. Very serious split personality in fact.

Before this I am an adventurous, fun-loving holiday-er. Every first time is a exciting challenge that I look forward to.

Now I am often an indecisive, worrying one.

If holiday is what makes me happy, why am I now not convinced.

But at least I am very clear what is now important to me.

I will come back safe and healthy.