[v4]

If there is anything I can do to make myself happier, i.e. if there is anything I can do to torture myself, I had the following for breakfast:-

- 2 cans of coke
- 1 slice of honey drew
- 1/2 apple
- 300ml of fresh orange juice

If there is anything I can do to make myself happier, I am wearing my favourite

- gio baby pink tee
- MB jeans
- peach pink socks
- casual nike shoes
- g- star jacket

If there are other things I can do to make myself smile, it is not apparent to me.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I only know it my way and so I do it my way.
If there are other ways to say Hi, I am still very much oblivious to them.

I was reading the two stories I wrote and sent over the weekend and I want to cry. At 10:13am in the surprisedly- comfortable computer lab (because they didnt switch on the freezing air cond).

Erm I am indeed learning something from my GSm class. And my group project (Titled: Game of war). In fact, I am battling in one game of war. Cold war. Ok please tell me what to do.  

But the thing is, whenever I imagined our next conversation, I still appeared to be upset. I am still upset over my invisible presence.  

Its so unfair. I have to share your unhappiness but never your happiness. I am always the one who gave in to you. You never let me have my way. I am always the one who let you have the final say and you think I am very undecisive. I am always the one who listen to you but my words never stick to you.  

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
When are you saying Hi? If its soon, then I shall wait for that Hi. 

Anyway the cryful friday isnt really something I want to talk about. In fact, no one in the family asks much about it. Because the moment they tried to do so, I wanted to cry again. They jus know its the thesis.

Another thing, I wouldnt like it if people would to be concerned about me out of obligation. If any, it should be out of genuine concern.

And please, the cold war I mentioned was a cold war with my (best) friend.

I can’t pinpoint a single thing that led me to break down desperately in tears. You once said that often there is no one single cause. We can’t separate everything apart from everything else. Jus like how inter- dependence we (once) are (were). Maybe now you no longer really need my companion, or rather it was never a need. But things jus escalated throughout Friday and by evening, my tears broke free, like the rushing waters in the dams. I was walking home and crying over the phone at the same time. I reached my block but I couldn’t bring myself to go home because I couldn’t even control my tears. Still crying over the phone, I found shelter in the community centre. I must have cried like a lunatic because by the time I decided to go home, my eyes were swollen and red. Needless to say, my tears were still flowing freely by then. Thanks nd for being on the other side of the phone.

I don’t think its coincidence, but I cried on alternate times whenever I meet my supervisor. It didn’t help that we had 3 meetings yesterday - one at 8:15am in the morning when I met her in the canteen, one at 11am and another ad hoc one at 4:15pm. My friend was asking "woo you guys having meeting over tea?” It didn’t help that my new morning companion wasnt around (yes I am such a routine- person that whenever one step of the morning procedure is missing, I dont know how to react). It didn’t help that I was told I have much to go for these two weeks. It didn’t help that I was told to work hard, but technically “working hard” or “working harder” would be unachievable looking at how “hard” I have been working. It didn’t help that our 16- days cold war stood cold and hard at 15-days yesterday. It didnt help that my friend is way too happy to have some words of consolation for me. Neither did it help when I was told there are much changes to be made to the OE report, especially when there are some obvious mistakes that I should have already changed.

The best discovery of the day is that I realised I dont know how to make friends. Making friends has never been my strength. Like you, I am an introverted extrovert. I don’t know if work is only what I can say. I don’t know how much personal stuff I can share. I don’t know if I would be too disturbing. All in all, put simply, I am jus so closed up. It is not only in the case with the morning companion, its relevant to most people I see around in campus. Oh maybe I need a script to dictate what to say each time I meet someone.

I really tried very hard to be independent, to make friends and to be happy.

There could be someone with the same “sy” initials, but someone is still someone else.

I jus felt that I seemed to work hard, but hadn’t been able to achieve anything. And this broke my heart. I wanted to be recognized for the hard work and long hours I put in, but if I can’t get acceptance and recognition from myself, can I ask them from others? When I was crying desperately yesterday, I found no evidence of my achievements.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You once said that all you could give is support for me.
If it is an explicit promise, you broke that promise again.
If it is a reasonable implied promise, you still have broken it.
If it is not a promise at all, you have no obligations and I can have no expectations.

Both of us are too prideful. We knew what mind games the other party is playing and we never wanted to be the one taking the first and embarrassing step. But the actual fact is, I am so afraid if I would to take the first and not receive reciprocal behaviors from you. And, yes the prideful me still asks, why should it be me?

By the time you are reading this, my tears would have dried and my swollen eyes would no longer be swollen. But the wounded self remains wounded.

I am working very hard on my thesis. If there is any harder I can go, I don’t think its obvious.

Yesterday I need not make-up removal to remove my foundation. Because I cried while walking home. I cried badly.

I realised other people too experienced a nosedive in their mood curves at times when they meet their supervisors. So its not a me-thing only. But they seem to have permanent friends to turn to but me. I have random or best- none. Thank you for reminding me that yes I am so alone, so lonely and so abandoned.

Suddenly I am angry that you abandoned me to deal with all these on my own. Why do I always have to face difficult times on my own but I was to be there when you needed someone. Its so unfair that I am always abandoned. Then I got upset and I wanted to cry. At 4:46am in a friday morning.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
There is pride. There is no pride. There is nothing.

This is HK. I am in HK! 

Can even see the moon. I love the red-bricks building! 

Oh I love this! The buildings are so cool! 

Me in MTR!! 

I love this picture!  

Erm can we have this too! I love it. It looks so cool and makes HK looks so cool! I was mentally checking out those places that I have been and it jus makes me want to visit them all!  

Today is another arm- breaking day! Never mind but I felt so comfortable that I am back home at 5pm. Still feeling rather tired and unmotivated. In fact my day started off real down and depressed, basically because of problems in my thesis. I really wanted to cry but I reckoned I even lose the energy to do so. Plus I was rather alone and didnt feel like talking.

But the GSM presentation was quite good! I think I was quite natural in my delivery because of the rehearsals I did. Thanks also to the guys in my group who helped when the tutor posed questions. So my day is relatively happy.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Too tired to care.

Meeting with supervisor at 9am. Erm wish me good luck.

~ HK sharing x 6

Ok so while waiting for MTR, I called home (Singapore) and told my mum I was going to the Peak a-l-o-n-e! I reckoned its such an exciting thing and I want to share with someone. Of course she sounded worried but I reassured her that I would be alright. Thats why I didnt tell her I went to Shen Zhen. She only knew when I was unpacking my luggage and I told her to guess where I got those goodies from.

Anyway I also asked a passenger to take a photo of me by Tsim Sha Tsui (as in the sign). If I never mention before, I really love the MTR there. I love it! Its so easy to understand even though it has more stops. Its so spacious and nicely designed. The designs are integrated, i.e. same design for the stations jus that in different colour. I love they have everything metallic! The seats and stuff like that. I love the TV inside the train that would indicate at which station you are in. I love the message read out in 3 different languages. Or maybe 2. Even the message is cute! When the train reaches each stop, it would remind passengers to be careful of the gap between the train and the platform!

Anyway the train came and happily I went in. Even ask someone to take a photo of me in the train! Happy for the photo-addict! And yes I arrived at Central Station (jus like our Raffles Place)! I think I would feel like a little girl who knows her way around. And I love the posters
with Mickey on them.

Anyway I reached there and asked the policeman and subsequently a tourist to take photos for me. Went into Tai Zi Building or better known as Prince Building to ask the security guards for direction. Then I followed his instructions and crossed the roads. I wasnt half scared because a tourist inevitably be lost. So I was so alright to be alone and running around even without knowing how to speak Canto.

But I must say that God is taking care of me! While walking towards the direction I was told to, I saw a family in front. Asking families for directions is a safe thing, I reckoned. So I asked the lady and she said they are also going there so I can tag along. Woo! I mean I wouldnt mind searching my own way there because thats part of traveling but I wouldnt reject her kindness. So yes there is someone to take photos of me along the way. Too bad I forget to get her contacts
because she and her family are nice people. By the way, she thought I was from China (erm!)and she is bringing her relatives from Malaysia to visit HK. Along the way she even pointed to me some of the buildings and told me their history. I jus love Central! Its less buzzing in the
evening and so I could pay attention to the super duper cool architecture. Even its jus looking at the magnificent buildings make me happy. I love taking photos of them too.

Ok the reason why I am blogging on this is because I super duper like the font. Keke. Dumb me.

The reason why I am here is because I am still rehearsing... keke.

The reason why I drink coke in the morning (trying to control) is because I think coke makes me happy, or maybe coke really makes me happy.

The reason why I eat so many oranges because I need loads of VitC to stay healthy. Same goes for apples and honey drews.

Ok I will have HK sharing tomorrow okies! 

Update for the 13-day cold war: Still standing at 13 days

My arms nearly break from carrying the 2 heavy thesis books and a file full of thesis journals around. But thanks to the guys who offered me a helping hand. Part of the honors' life. Nah joking. No whinning.

Tired. But today's been a really happy day. It started with coke and me feeling super sleepy. The task of completing 24 questionnaires, surprisedly, took unexpectedly little time. For my module Research Methods in M&O, my group had to do 100 copies of questionnaires. My topic's NKF. Thanks to my dearest friends who were so nice in doing them for me. Greatest credits go to WH, WQ and JO, who literally gathered a troop of their friends and helped me in completing much. Thanks to d for getting his friends too. They brought joy to my super duper zuper boring and lonely day.

I really love school. I am happy. I love doing what I am doing now though I am super duper tired, sleepy and drained. Been running in and out of my room because I am writing this in between of TV ads. Watching TV, the only social bit of my life. But still happy.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If this is how you are being jus a friend.

Yes my dear, it is 12:21 am. Considering the fact that I only had 5.5 hours of sleep last night, and I will have about this amount of sleep tonight, I should NOT be here. But I reckoned the morning incident still hit me hard. That explains why I have this post of "Something that will upset me". Yap.

After being subjected to such "treatment" from a close friend of mine for 2 + years (I never once asked why), the recent similar incident between us sort of escalated into a cold war. Though the longest cold war initated by my dear friend lasted for 2 months, now that my dear friend is no longer around in school, the cold war becomes especially "cold". By that, I mean that it is literally no-words-exchanged, combined with no-sight. Though I am rather sure that it is not the end of it, it still worries me that this cold war has indeed lasted for 13 days already in which we have not exchanged any words since. However, I am rather sure that I shall defend my stand and that it hurts too badly for me to say Hi again. I was literally very upset when my dear friend ignored me in front of a grouo of new colleagues. Since I had always been subjected to such acts, I thought it might be the one last time I could take it.

Frankly, I still think of how my 12 days would be if not for the cold war. I will tell you, if not for the cold war, we would still be talking to each other on MSN for as long as I am in front of the computer. We would talk on the phone as long as the lunch break permits. We would talk on the phone as long as bedtime hadnt crawled in. Yes, we are this close hence each time when such incident happens I get really hurt. Yet I know for some reasons, I remained rather happy throughout the 12 days and that sometimes I felt relieved of the have-to-talk-all-day-long-on-msn and have-to-worry-about-my-phone-bills "burden".

I jus hope that everything would somehow turn out fine the next time we talked, and that things would return to normal. But, I wouldnt be making the first direct move. Its not supposed to be me. But I reckoned that I have to be indirect. Hence my msn nick is "si ying, if you are in the fault, you have to take the chance to take the first move somehow".

Anyway the morning incident was committed by another friend of mine. Hence I was totally upset and looked upset too. When he spoke, I gave super duper zuper brief answers. Yet I know it might not be obvious to him (especially when he is a guy) that I am upset, or that I am upset with him. But I reckoned I should say why.

The reasons for being upset
1. I dont see why you jus cant sit at the blue seat if there are jus 2 of us using the 4 seats.
2. Its so rude.
3. If I am sitting with Mr-air, then why did you bother to sit next to Mr-air?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If you are in the fault, you have to take the chance to take the first move somehow. If you are not making the move, I am not making the move. If no one wants to move, then no one needs to move.

After barely 5.5 hours of sleep, I am awake again. In sulking mood. Probably an extension from yesterday's mood, but definitely got to do with me being a poor morning companion after receing an apparent poor morning companion. MY always said that the greatest difference between a guy and a girl is that a girl is more emotionally sensitive, thereby explicitly requires more emotional support. I always agree! Ok call me sensitive, overly sensitive and silly, but thats how I perceived the morning to me. To me, having regular and similar morning companion is important because, remember, humans are habitual creatures of Earth. So yes no smiles from me today.

Anyway a jus-arranged meeting with supervisor is set at 3pm. GSM Meeting at 6pm. Its ok. I am a work person, remember? All the other bugs dislike me to the core and hence I am left with the work- bug. Dear me.

Still listening to Yan zi's Invisible person. I reckoned I am so invisible that everyone likes to forget/ dislike/ ignore me.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Maybe I no longer hurt, yet maybe the hurt has already been internalised.

Yes, why am I so dumb, dont know how to draw this graph/ bar chart/ line chart?!? Anyway by the time you are reading this (about an hour from my last post), I have found my motivation! Keke *smucks* And one of my friends is still in school, and would be in school till 11pm to do work!!!  

Sleeping bug always forgets me. In fact the land-on-a-job bug forgets me too. The love bug forgets me too. The good-appepite bug forgets me too. The look-pretty bug forgets me too. The happy bug (sometimes) forget me too. Yes, oh yes, only mr work bug remembers me. Sob! *smucks* 

Yes... missing motivation! 

Yes that is me, me and me! 

Oh did I forget coke! 

If forest is not black, why is there black forest cake. If the cake is white, why is it not known as White snow cake? *smucks* 

Titled: To know and to not know

Knowing meant reality
Not knowing represents a tinge of hopefulness

If knowing meant reality
and if reality doesn’t not have happiness
then let me remain oblivious
still remaining in the castle that dishes out small portions of daily happiness

11:51am. Argh. Dont know what am I waiting, but my msn nick (appeared offline) is siying, waiting. Waiting for 3pm midterm test. Computer lab getting buzzier.

[v3]

Jus say. Let it be relationship (or whatever is left), unclear relationships, or for failed job application, you jus got it bring the bad news across to the candidate. I can take it. In fact, I take it better with the bad news flashing in front of me than the bad feeling of an expected but still pending bad news. I got irritated when they promised they would inform you even if you are not selected, but had failed to do so.

Anyway I was rather happy this morning. Till the crowd came and I thought I fitted in nowhere. So there goes my smile for the morning. Studying in the freezing computer lab.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If we have nothing to say, nothing has to be said.

Sidenote
I guess expected disappointment says it all. And definitely I am over with it. Today's mood has nothing to do with it either. But thanks to those guys who are really considerate of my feelings. For telling me that its alright, and that no matter what they would send me an email. I know they are jus consoling me, but I appreciate the efforts. Even for the classmate whom I dont really know personally, thanks.

Whenever people talk about bad services they experienced, they always talk about cab driver, hawker and sales personnel. I dont take cab, I dont get bad services in hawker and I am generally tolerant with bad sales personnel. I mean I was working at Borders so I know how one bad customer can turn your day sour and how difficult it is to maintain your smile at the end of your long shift.

But I think I received the worse services mostly from call centers. When you are helpless, desperate and far from getting someone to help you, thats when good customer services become a lifeline. Otherwise, they become another source of complaints on its own.

Alright, tell me who doesnt turn into a menace listening to all these over the phone. These are what I have been receiving recently. Funny yet lousy!

1. "its their problem, not my problem"
2. "so I can close your case already right" I was trying to tell the girl that she could reflect to whoever-at-the-top that there is something very ineffective with their procedure, but all I get from her repeatingly is "so I can close your case already right". Even if she doesnt feedback to whoever-at-the-top, she should have jus said "Ok thanks I would do it. Maybe we can close your case then"
3. "I dont know, this is what we are supposed to say" Very the!
4. You keep talking but then he didnt say anything over the phone that makes you wonder if the phone was thrown into a fish tank.
5. 2 emails and I only get a respond after 2 non business day and 3 business day. Then the following day I got another call, not knowing that someone attended to me already.
6. They put me to music and then no one picks up the phone.
7. The pre- recorded message keeps telling me that the operators are all busy and I can help by calling back at non- peak hours. My dear, if I can call at non- peak hours, I wouldnt be hanging on to the line for so long. Half an hour later someone attended to me, f-i-n-a-l-l-y.
8. "no we cant do it, its not in our procedure"Often I know there has nothing to do with the personnals themselves. Its either the organizations' policies, reward systems, or training
that is at fault. So HRM!

Yipee... my gsm is done... thanks to MY doing all the compiling...!


Today's gsm meeting is ok. Anyway I keep falling asleep. But the amazing thing is that my body is far too tired and hence willingly took a 1.5 hours of afternoon nap. Though I woke up feeling still very yawn-y, the afternoon nap is enough to make up my 5 hours of sleep the day before.
Much work to be done for my gsm slides, and my thesis. Then I am still revising for my OE. I am quite stressed over the midterm tomorrow. Argh!

I dont think I got through the numberical and verbal test I took on Sat. Erm. Expected disappointment. Again. Can someone tell me which job will employ me, so that I can stop getting expected disappointment? Childish.

Anyway I heard Jay Chou's new song on Thursday. Its so him. I reckoned I like it. Its about lost love.

Oh today Kiang Liang thought I drove since I offered the guys a life to the Interchange. Erm of course my dad is the driver. Ar I like the idea of being about to drive, because it gives mobility. Yet I reckoned I am too dangerous on the road. Also dumb me who knows nuts about roads anddirections shall forget about driving. I am missing cycling! Can my dear friends go cycling with me after my examinations? And, I am wondering how much f-r-e-e time would I have for myself, for shopping, for sports, for music, for cycling, for badminton and for swimming indecember?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Uncertainty.

Ok besides the "Gaming console sales" heading, everything is the same as the previous one. Sob. This chart replaces the one which sees much/ some/ best efforts are put into. Nah its ok. I am alright with changes. And without the blank space above the "sony" bar chart makes it look better probabaly. Jus that my part for GSM is taken over by MY so I have to work on other slides on my own again.  

This is nice right? The colour is nice and though there is this space above "sony" bar chart that we couldnt figure out how to remove, I thought it was nice! 

[v3]

I have an interesting question. Voluntarily, he doesnt ask questions about you. Like "oh this is how it looks like", "so many Hello Kitty", "I see". Questions are sometimes raised in conversations. But my friends would always "Oh so this is how your room looks like", "I am surprised your bedsheet isnt pink in colour", "erm you have Hello Kitty everywhere".

He is always engrossed in work, always thinking about work and always working on work (erm what am I saying). You see, often I dont dare to speak besides saying my usual Hi because I dont want to be disturbing. Ok either totally engrossed in work or totally tired. I dislike silence! I mean I dont need to keep talking and talking, but its so weird to have friends in a similar dimension, i.e. and not talking. I mean when it comes to work, when we are in the computer lab, I can understand, because either do I talk when totally absorbed in my thesis. Maybe another dimension, besides work and sleep, its TV. Argh. TV gets more attention than the others.

So, can I ask, if
(a) he is a totally- work person?
(b) he is uninterested?
(c) he hadnt known you well enough?
(d) you hadnt know him well enough?
(e) he is blur?
(f) none of the above
(g) unable to find out from above passage
(h) dont know

My pick? C and D? Your pick? Oh thanks to my numerical and verbal test today. A) True and logically follows from the argument. B) False and does not logically follows the argument. C) Unable to find out from above passage. So that is how the option G comes about.

Anyway its jus an interesting question. Going back to my OE...

~ I put down my books and went on to doing up my resume for the position of Associate in an consulting organization. This job application, I really wish to hear from them.

~~ Ok can I stop blogging. Anyway I am reading through the remaining two articles. Going to revise on the lecture notes then the textbook (which I hadnt touch since reading all of them once).

Anyway I realised that I need help in
1. drawing a bar chart in Powerpoint
2. page numberings of a word document
3. shading of a table in word document
4. spacing of a table in word document
5. making sure that my gsm first slide is understandable

But I dont like it if people help me out of obligations. I like it if they do so out of concern. Though I dont know how to differentiate between obligation and concern.

Oh JY is saving up for our HK trip. 2k in fact! And we girls are going shopping and food hunting when my exams are over. I am so motivated! Happily waiting for graduation (would be happier if I landed on a job before then too)!

My msn photo. By the way, I often appear offline as I am too lazy or busy to change it to online. If I am onilne, its normally late at night *smucks* 

The me on friday.  

[earlier entry]

I felt like a fish grasping for air throughout the math test. The air cond is so weak that I think I would faint if I hang around there longer. Anyway it could be jus me, since I am asthmatic and especially sensitive to the surroundings, air and temperature. Saw a few classmates there too.
Oh, I dont know if I have grown thinner, but my skirt is getting looser. Argh. All my skirts! What am I wearing for presentations. Though the weighing machine in my room doesnt seem to agree, I think its jus because the machine is more unstable than me.

Ok I am going to try to sleep for a while then wake up and study. Going back to school at 10am tomorrow for gsm project.

Oh this is my 1702th entry :)

I can confirm, confirm that my body isnt detecting my tiredness well enough. In fact, I think my body is confused, because after barely 5 (the most 5.5) hours of sleep, it will wake me up. I have almost 4 weeks of such little sleep.

Yesterday's meeting with supervisor is quite alright. Typed a little paragraph of what she said during the meeting but decided to not put in here. People that shouldnt know shall not be told, and people who are truly concerned about me would have heard it from me already.

Ok I need to go do some brushing up before I leave home for T-a-m-p-i-n-e-s-s, a very far away and unfamiliar place... Jus like how Clementi is so "confusing" for darren *smucks* Been there only 3 times, mainly to see the doctor.

Keke my GSM chart is now nicely drawn *smucks* Under the notes section of my powerpoint slides "Don't know how to draw graph" can be deleted away 

Evidence of getting people to help me with my homework! keke nah. I dont know how to draw the graph. But now I know!