I felt a little happy today when I was near home and I think the combustion effects of a morning surprise Jay, an errupting can of coke and my tunnel project is the reason. I actually feel happy working on my project: feel attached and look forward to it. I literally have responded to Tunnel/Tunnel Tan, jus like how I respond well to Mimi.

Lets hope I am putting in enough for the project.

Whats there to look forward for this week: friend's back, turning 1kg chestnuts to red ruby over the weekend and probably more reading of countries and famous people so-that-I-dont-feel-as-though-I-dont-know-the-world.

And I hadnt had time to go to the Spain-brand sale for a second time yet! The first was a disappointing one, so was the new album that I was waiting for.

What makes the day happier when you come into the office seeing Jay at your desk

The weekend

What would happen if we got back together?

They do say that broken bones bind stronger.

Could we be stronger too?

We'll probably lie, fight and hurt each other, again.

Then get sick of it and go our separate ways.

Forgetting how much we missed each other.

Forgetting how much we regretted it all.

I watched the ending again, and listened to the ending song.

Da Jin is right, about it all.

She knew everything about Jae Young and its easy that they get bored with each other day after day. I can imagine that even if I have never been through it.

They lie, they fought, and they hurt each other. Even if I didnt cry at the point when I knew Da Jin wanted to end it all while Jae Young cried, the story has clearly protrayed the deep relationship they share that is enough to move me. Even if it was daily activities that they have engaged in, supposedly routinue and boring. Broken bones bind stronger because they both still love each other and they have a strong foundation going all the way, in fact 6 years, back.

Our friendship would have been 5 years soon already, I have lost count. We probably lie and fought (alright we didnt quite) and hurt each other, but we always wanted to remember that we have been supporting each other all these whiles that no matter how other close friends we have/might have, the past that our friendship shared would have not been possibly shared with others because no one else could have gone back to the past we have. Sometimes I wonder if it is because we have been through the whole cycle that made our friendship stronger than our friendships that I have. We are not the love of each other's life but our friendship is an important aspect in our lives.

So if we would to go back through the whole cycle again, I hope broken (no matter how many times) bones would bind our friendship stronger.

At the same time I hope to be able to experience this close knitted friendship with other close friends too.

Hello, 1 hour behind.

And it was Tenjo Night who got me out of the thinking mode over the weekend. He is Riko's purchased robot, or rather Riko's ideal boyfriend.

But nothing about Night is machinery, other than his parts. Everything's so real, devoted and loyal about his love for the girl, whom sobbed together with me when watching the remains of Night, and recalling all those times when he was around the girl no matter whether she is happy, angry, sad, dejected or impatient towards him. It took the girl so so long to realise that he is the one who can give her the happiness and that she doesnt want to be without him.

But at least the girl realises his importance to her in time.

I had exactly 7 months of rest since the last time I have a central focus in my life preparing for the exams. Which gives me much time for play, freedom, travel preparations and travel. But at the same time it means that other than the art projects and runs and swims and overtime in the office that I subject myself to, I dont have one certain, stable focus in my life.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life away, and feeling very unsure and unsuccessful and unworthy.

Things that happened today made me feel stuck. I came back from the office on a Friday worrying/stressing over whether I should go back for the Saturday to work on things that I know clearly I put in my best efforts to do but still think is not good enough. The friend was also right to ask if I had second thoughts. Even if my instant reply would always be a stubbornly-no, I have my fears, or perhaps reservations, and a million hold-backs. I saw the text message but I didnt want to reply, adding onto the pressures thats already building up within me. I left without a goodbye.

The two all-time closest friends of mine have enough on their hands and they are already/about to be going overseas that I feel even more stressed to know that I will be alone for the weekend. Other than talking to myself on my blog that is.

I dont know what works for me- a working or a shopping or an arty Saturday. I even more have no idea how is it to handle my life (going ahead). I dont know if I am making senses/on the right reasons to get myself into Level2.

If I am not happy with the way I am spending my time now, I think through about things that I think will make me feel happy. Yet they are everything but practical. I would love to be learning and doing oil painting, but they have no value in my life now other than occupying/wasting my time and making me smile (for that few moments). I imagine that oil painting, or everything that I like but are impractical arty stuff, will be right for a retireer, but not for someone at my age now.

Either there is really no solution to my issue, or that I am thinking too much or I hadnt been thinking (in the right direction).

Always the lost deer I am, in every sense.

The (funny) lunch announces that there will be more good things to wait for, I hope.

Then comes the new album (finally), I've been waiting for. The song title `Be who you are, is the track that stands out quite a bit among the list.

The game? I am out.

Trying to find the right balance

What do you do/who do you turn to when you meet with difficulties?

My 3km run told me that its: mostly me and myself. Bleah.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

Can you walk me tonight.

As always, when you dont want to know whats going on (because nothing is more important that the Tunnel project for now), blust the music.

I think I have done a million things since early this morning and its only 10:00AM on the clock. But I still have a zillion things before tomorrow morning's meeting.

And you sure have to be on my side to know why I wrote S.C.R.E.A.M.S as my msn nick.

What makes me happy...

The idea of hotpot came about probably the same time when I craved for parkway steamboat, but was shelved indefinitely. Until today it was being suggested again because a rain during lunch hours was predicted. The rain never came, but the hotpot lunch was done. Which sort of pacify abit of my cravings for parkway steamboat. Jus a bit.

But it was not the food thats on my thought today.

The thing that I fear most, sort of presented an answer to me, is it?

Am I a boring person in reality.

I am missing, the chilly morning at Donaukanal river and the train ride back from Prague to Vienna. Surprisingly it really isnt the shopping even if I really do enjoy all those times of picking up clothing and trying them on without worrying the time (because I almost have the entire day to do so) and as-if I dont need to worry about paying for them.

The worse thing about being sick is not only do you feel sick, you cant do any sports at all.

And I continue my love-dont-love relationship with my short hair, especially when each day the hair turns out entirely differently depending on how I blow it and depending on how well the hair could withstand the night sleep. But no I am not blaming anyone. Short hair is somehow something I always wanted again and I guess I will not stop wanting it until I now have it short again. Maybe we are all like that: until we have it, we will always want it, but when we have it, we might not still want it.

Everything jus feels different (already), but I know its all jus because of me. Very vantage-point. And the only thing good about being a feeling person is that I can feel art. One-third of it, and I like how it feels.

Given up on all hopes.

Dont talk to me, I am so tired and sick and weak.

As I struggled to stay at my desk and work efficiently with the sickening fever (pressing on the eyes), running nose and weak body.. do I need a doctor?

La Dorada, the golden city or better known as Salamanca, western Central Spain

Vantage Point was the movie thats airing in NY when I was there for CNY08. It once again brings me the perspective that what I see/feel/interprete could jus be a tiny facet, but not the whole, truth. Which was something that I always fail to see/ convince. But until the movie that presents the different perspectives to the audiences, the truth in reality are often unaccessible to one, not forgetting the existence of noises.

And so reality has set in. After two, three days of the fresh short cut, I am missing my long hair. Especially after seeing all the photos I have taken in May and now. Argh.

Will my hair be back to that length by Christmas? I dont like the thought that it will be messy (read: unstraight) again and I have to endure another hair rebonding session to get them back to how it was in May. I cant tie my hair now and I have less reasons to everyday choose a new hair clip. I look like a man now I think.

I really think if I would have said no that day I wouldnt have gotten myself into this short. Argh, argh.

It is frustratingly weird that I do exercise regularly but fall ill equally regularly too.

3 weeks since I am back from the rainy Vienna & Prague and it only took this long for my room to get messy and for me to start thinking about traveling and holidaying (even if I told myself I have in fact gotten tired over looking through the list of hotels/hostels to decide eventually which one is mine, and a little saturated over reading through all the what-to-do and what-to-see. which could jus means that I need a non-planning holiday haha).

And I see the Euro08 updates on news and wish I am still in Vienna seeing the oranges and the checkered red fans. Cute!

It was time that the plaster came of. I have never put on a plaster on myself that looks so right- neat, tight, not overlapping in a messy way and kept away the dirt. So neat that I could mistaken it to be part of me. But it became a little too tight that when I happened to bend the finger my finger hurts. Plus two and a half day wearing it seems a little overdue- the wound should have recover by now. So its time it went off my finger.

The reason why I have much thoughts over a plaster on my finger, was because it was put on in a mess but it turned out everything but being a mess. Alright, that wasnt the truth.

The truth is, when I got off the trendmill and saw the laptop being switched off, I knew I was prepared for the disappointment. But maybe I would have know so it wasnt as disappointing as I thought it could be. It was jus yet another failure, not like this was the first.

So now my life is in the same stage as my health- turning sick but not sick. Either way out would be forcing myself to recover, or to fall ill. Falling sick is attractive because when I recover, I would be healthier.

My love for salad, french baguettes, ham and sauages (the hassle free of healthy living) could possibly be fuel by my exposure to the european favour and new friends from overseas. Plucking fresh cherries from m-y tree and fresh garden salad in my bowl will remain to be a dream for as long as home remains to be in Singapore. The closest it can get would be staying near Carrefour/NTUC for freshly baked baguette and ham and cheese and wurst and prinkles and whatever that makes a tastefully fresh sandwich.

playing

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Learning how to say `no I dont.

I was too tired (lazy) to drag myself up for a morning run. Then I chose lunching with my buddy over the run again and now am (guiltly) sitting at my desk blusting music. But I feel so tired/disheartened/sick that I think I really need a good sweat out. So lets aim for an after-work (at least!) 3km.

Tired, because of two conservative late nights resulting in the lack of sufficient sleep, which is totally bad for the early sleeper I have currently become.

Disheartened, because I seem to come closer to accepting the fact that ... maybe its God's way of letting me know what I am curious about, or rather become clearer (to what I refuse to believe in).

Sick, for every unpleasant things that happened despite of all the happy and beautiful things that did. My low tolerance for (super duper) bad attitudes and unprofessionalism has once again hit a new low, to the extent that I feel like throwing my mobile jus to vent my frustration. And my total inability to A-C-T friendly. Sometimes acting really isnt all so difficult if I am willing/ willing to compromise, but when it comes to all so that I cant tolerate, I refused to betray (in the most extreme sense I am) who I really am jus to be friendly.

Somehow the feeling behind completing the artwork has changed that it no longer is the same as the one thats being created for.

And so the first sight I had out of the Seng Kang train station was Randel and his smile. And Sally and her smile. Randel and Sally, Sally and Randel. Whom I have met at Wien Südbahnhof where we were all making our way to Prague. And spend 3 days shopping, eating and sightseing in Prague.

It feels as if I am brought back to Prague, jus that this time round, its in the Compass Point Shopping mall, with lots of chinese food and not in Prague whereby we made do with Viet and China styled chinese dishes. Its neither raining and we dont need to drink out of the mineral water bottles. We could have Japense bento, tom yam noodles and Rojak in a meal altogether.

Its so nice to see you, Randel told me. Everything was worth it, to travel to Seng Kang, to haunt for their favourite green tea (guess in the end where did I get that last box!) and dao sau bing and bong bing. The paper made frame holding the photo of the three of us in No. 26 Wenceslas Apartment Praha and me in my long hair.

I talked about my boring days since I came back from Europe while trying to sound interesting. I talked about my regular swims and unfutile shopping trips back home. I talked about my days in Paris 2007.

Sally told me about using olive oil to treat my hair thats damanged from too much of pool water. Sally told me about their daughter's November wedding. Sally told me about her daily diet of ice kacang until she doesnt want it anymore. Sally told me about how warm Singapore is to her and Sally told me about her possible Taiwan holiday next year. Sally told me my hair is nice and it suits me. Sally told me my dress is nice and Randel said that Sally didnt feel like going out because its way too hot. And how Sally buys food for Randel and how Randel looked out for Sally because she is all confused over the food court seating.

It was like Prague all over again. It was like happy holiday for me all over again. I was eating, I was talking, I was smiling, and I was taking photos.

Which makes me dislike hugging and saying goodbyes. Only easier this time because I am heading home and not an empty hotel room.

If eveything happens for a reason, I am glad whatever reason it was that allows me to meet Sally and Randel.

Siying wishing that she is signing off from Prague.

Tunnel Tan is going to be a tourist today

Me and lumpy hair

You can see the hair is getting messy haha

And so I got my hair cut. Snap. Short. Very, I mean.

Up till the point when I reached the shop, I didnt think I was seriously getting myself a haircut. I jus take it as time spent together.

On the bus I even asked if I dont cut my hair later, will you be angry. The answer I got was a yes, even though seriously I didnt think it was so. I think if I jus give that face (the I-dont-want-can?-expression) and say please and promise to go together next week to get myself a haircut when I am mentally prepared you will agree too and we would end up getting dinner only.

I took out around 8 hair samples and you picked the one of `Gui Lun Mei from the Jay movie `Secret. I asked for a longer version of that and so the hair was being washed and scrapped/cut when wet. At a few point in time my eyes stared wide open looking at the short hair falling back on my face.

I think I must be crazy, because this is one of the shortest haircut I ever gotten since college days. I thought because the weather is warm and the fact that I keep hitting the pool (which is a bad thing that I actually seem to be avoiding running, an indication of my lack of confidence in kilometer) and my long hair is getting messy and my hair is a little boring.

But I feel that I would be in great hands and I know I can trust you.

Jus that the first blow is: the neck area feels very cold and second blow is when I was showering: I reached out for my hair and there seems to be nothing to wash/shampoo.

Dont give me the mirror alright. Photos tomorrow.

I think lipgloss are designed jus for women' lips but its fun for a guy to be wearing the snoopy H&M lipgloss (for fun that is). It jus looks like fried chicken wings leaving its oily marks on the guy's lips while it looks cute on a girl (doesnt it).

The one thing I have to learn is not to be (so) extreme. Like for instance, my love for steamboat means that I am craving for it again today when I jus had my share on Sat and I supposed it will stay for some time to come. Subconsciously I will keep thinking that my current favorite has to be (parkway) steamboat (with their special fried rice) which will further allow me indulge in this thought of "I really craving for steamboat". But not everyone else will feel like having it and I should stop illusioning about steaming hot soup with popping ingredients of tong fen and fishballs and tao gua and prawn and fish and sotong and special fried rice and cold lime juice.No one eats steamboat everyday anyway.

How much of a person do you see till you think either one of you will start to get sick of each other.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
The further I am, the more things I want to say

For the last 5 minutes or so, we stood by the window looking at the planes drawing smoke trails in the skies, like how kids colour their picture books.

Proschi (Russian)
Adieu (French)
Arrividerci (Italian)
Adios (Spanish)
Shalom (Hebrew)
Aloha (Hawaiian)
Auf Wiedersehen (German)
Hey Doh (Swedish)

Blogging is not about statistics; its about writing what you really feel and think. But 99 entries more and I will hit the 5,000th post in these 5 years 3 months and 5 days of blogging (~1920 days).

How come OCK curry puff no longer tastes as nice as I remembered it to be, or was it all about the disappointment that came after the great anticipation so it failed to put a smile on me.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
The thing that puts a smile on me will keep me sane till the next one comes by.

Bye (English)

In Portugal, salad is sprinkled with salt.

Maybe I should try that at home. I like reading all these interesting things that are done differently from us, maybe because I always like creation, new varieties or better still, I always like traveling. So reading up on places that might jus be my next destination is whats keeping me sane these days. Like how even if Sweden is next to Finland, there isnt any train serving between these two countries.

I know it sounds silly but I am considering which haircut, if any, I should be getting. I think I will get myself a haircut if I dont have to go back to work on Saturday morning.

And as auntiely, I have resorted to starting a list of the brand, weights and prices of the usual food items I buy from Carrefour such as 2litre Meiji Milk, 1litre Mgold yoghurt, 750g museli, instant mee in all variety and forms, french loaf, bockwurst, after today's epsiode of buying a 750g of museli for $6.30 thinking that its cheap (no it isnt, because I bought the previous pack of 750g at $4.90, albeit of a different brand). I hope it tastes nice because I like the little sweety taste of the $4.90 pack from this unknown brand that somehow isnt on the ranks today.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
How come suddenly I have so much to sms today.

Sally always sound/look so cool, but she is (very) warm at heart I know.

I seriously wonder if I have too little things about my life that the update for today seems to take only a few quick moments, or was it that most of the update-worthy are already updated. Or was it that, other than on my blog I am way too quiet to be talking much anyway.

But I am trying, because in any sense I should be used to such things anyway.

The guilt from remembering one but the other meant that the dream came about to remind.

Eventually still managed to pull myself together for a 30 lap this morning and it was in the midst of swimming that I found enough reasons to ..... Being unclear and even before being-unclear it wasnt quite how I thought so.

Also finally gotten the blank pages in the office so that at least my days in retrospect shouldnt be that blank.

I have so much fun writing up profiles of flickr accounts.



Jus spoke briefly to Sally and Randel (the couple I met in Prague). Will call her again to arrange for a time to meet up hopefully!

From Prague Billa Supermarket, where you bite into the air bubble which collapses the chocolate in your mouth and you let out that `Woo sound, even if you totally feel guilty for gobbling down 4 pieces of them (consoling yourself that taking into account of the air bubbles, its considered 2 pieces of chocolate only).

Watching `Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while I opened up the bar of Nestle Aero Milugte bublinky (which I now think meant air bubbles and not rice bubbles) under the brand of Orion, that is everywhere on the shelves of supermarkets. Eating chocolates and drinking cold milk, as nice as eating Julis peanut butter biscuit and drinking cold milk.

I hadnt done much of the art, though I think subconsciously I was trying to pace myself before August arrives.

The TV says eating chocolate makes one feels like they are in love.

Happy each time I eat this...

Their special fried rice. I am not sure if the taste has changed (i am always paranoid over such taste thingy) but its still what I like.

Cycling along the airport, seeing and hearing the planes take off so near to me make me want to leave again.

Satisfied, at Changi Beach Park

Changi Beach Park

Starting of the almost 8km from East Coast Park to Changi Beach Park

The work week ended in a shared bowl of shrimp flavoured instant mee and a piece of my favorite Julis peanut butter biscuit.

Then the weekend started early, with a 21km bike ride that Zen and I never planned this far, and my/everyone's favorite mini steamboat with special fried rice.

The guy and I had once discussed about doing the newly connected bike route but hasnt done so together yet. Maybe some day ya.

But today had been it for me. All the desire for cycling speed, straight and sparse road for cycling and wind have been satisfied. From the cable ski park, to the pretty flower garden, then the outbound school, the resort, leaving East Coast Park along the seemingly endless road parallel to the airport runway of almost 7km to the Changi Beach Park. Then the route back. Highly satisfied ride such that it took us 2.5 hours to complete. Ended up wabbling like a duck for a while till we made it to the food court for steamboat and fried rice. In fact so tired and sleepy that I felt asleep for most part of the bus journey, continued with a two hour nap back home.

I am sorry, really.

If I sound petty (I admit sometimes I am, but if I bother to such an extent its because I care alot and you/things matter to me), or angry or irritated, its not- I was more of puzzled and helpless over what have happened (all the time), given that I am always blur and confused (and inferior) and still immature.

Am re-learning everything thats so wrong with me.

I understand everything now. I know I am stupid but I think I understand.

If by not picking up the phone, not returning the call and not asking why, I will jus do as according to all your actions tonight.

Even if I have to limp, first thing in the morning I will remove all the physical traces and hide everything non-physical. Hide it so well that you can never realise it even exists before.

It breaks my heart but I will still do according to what I think will make you happy.

I really want to cry but I will get myself to stop everything if I irritate you, including not writing about you anymore.

The leg hurts, but the heart hurts much, much more.

Why cant I get things right.

Why cant things be right for me.

I feel like crying. I feel lousy.

Am feeling so unsure.

I like the puppy crawling on my hair. Alright it doesnt crawl, its a hair-clip in the shape of a puppy that my mother bought. In bright pink, baby pink and blue. Haha!

The morning 30 laps progressively gotten better even if I dont think I am at my fittest. But at least this is a goal for me to work towards. Goal-less life are mundane and unbearable for me.

We had a talk over lunch about keeping pets. I never quite see myself keeping pets anymore; I used to have terrapins. Because I keep worrying over if I could give the pet more happiness than if it is roaming out in its nature habitat, which I suspect I couldnt. I didnt want to be the cage that locks the pet up from deriving happiness out there soaring or swimming or running.

But I think I now wish that I am a goldfish- who has short term memory and no matter how its world is, it is always excited about discovering a new corner because it forgets that it has actually came by it. If being a goldfish means that I can only remember the associated happiness and everything else (including the unpleasant) are forgotten.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

I want to say Morning to you; but you arent around.

My right leg had a bad knock against the coffee table and it has been swollen since yesterday. Argh.

Art-in-progress...

The Art Plan...

Only people who dont have weekend plans would be caught waking up at 8am on Sunday doing nothing in particular/ not knowing what to do. Maybe its time I get back to being disciplined and do my studies- I should have enough fun by now, and I dont see myself having much more else to rely upon for the second half of the year.

I dont want to see myself to be stuck in a situation that I cant do anything about it so I am not going to wish to be anyone other than a buddy- unless the situation changes to my favour, which I hope so.

I got the work emailed in yesterday- draft 1 that is. I wonder how it works- whether I will feel happier if I work on the art, or the art is prettier if I work on them when I am happier.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

I dont want to be the cage that locks up the bird; I want to be the bird thats soaring with the bird in the skies.

I was thinking that I must dislike the letter `Y most among the 26.

Target: to leave the Office before 5pm.

Maybe you are right when you said Anything to that supposedly friendship. Supposedly friendship is the key word here- it works only when its all about fun and play.

Since we are on the topic of MRT tunnel

In Prague

In Vienna

In London

In Paris

In Barcelona

In Bkk

In HK