Despite my appologies, I remained upset over that matter. Like what best friend said, he doesnt mean to hurt you deliberately even if in the end he did.

Tell him, he did.

Today's LIFE. Ok I know you probably cant see, but I circled:
"Team members must be aged 25 to..." Why ar? So unfair?!?
Best friend & I would have gone to take part in this. U-n-f-a-i-r!!
I want to be 25 years old for 1 day??? Super duper zuper auper
Ar-r-g-h!

I didnt say but I wish he knew.

Most of the time, I did everything he say will do me good. I type my note-taking in a comprehensive way. And I am seeing the good that he said. I read up so much on the statistics that I dont even use it, but it made me more confident too.

Sometimes, I refuse to take what he said. I dont know why I need to do something. I dont think I can. I told him, I am fine with what I am now. But then, I still realised that I am doing what he said is good for me.

Other times, I ignored him. I pretend I didnt see him, I pretend I dont have anything to talk to him. Most importantly, I pretend he is not important. I pretend we arent that close. I pretend that I am upset when I am not. Then, I pretend I am not upset when I am.

Regardless of what had happened and what might happen in the future, I will remember the times when he helped me with my homework, the times when he brought me hope, the times when he prepared me for the worst, the times when he provided me with patience and guidance, the times when he provided courage, confidence and companion, the times when he set me thinking in a logical manner for my thesis, the times when he introduced me with the various softwares, the times when he encouraged me (even if its jus games)...

Sorry.

For whom I had been.

For whom that I hadnt been.

The seats... anyway looking at the rate that I am uploading the bangkok photos, I am wondering if anyone gets really sick of it. It probably might take a while to finish the 400 over photos. Maybe I already would have gone on another holiday even. Haha! *smucks* 

Bangkok sharing... something that we thought was rather a no-no... 

2:30pm to 4:00pm

Afternoon nap! Argh. What a nice thing to sleep in the afternoon. Bet best friend would have slept as long too! Haha *smucks*

Back to work!!!

Best friend and I are working from home! Oh can you believe it? We didnt arrange beforehand but yap! Still the magical touch in making my day (of course there are other days when he really didnt make my day!).

Working hard on my "Results" section. Need to finish it and "Discussion" by today. Halfway through "Results" though...

Why cant I resist to temptations.

Took me so much effort to wake up since I wouldnt be going to school today. Wanted to go back but I probably need all my journals to work on the f-i-n-a-l-l-y "Discussion" bit. Kinda excited about it because it will soon mark the ending of proper writing, moving onto minor changes.

While I tried to make you forget about depression and be happier, I am secretly doing that to myself too. I buried all the negative emotions hoping to concentrate on the happier thoughts.

I am so missing him. Wish I was there.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Still not in office yet? How's your hair?

We were seated on row 30 on the way to Bangkok and row 29 on our way back. And yes luckily jetstar was n-i-c-e enough to let us sit together to and fro, unlike, erm our HK trip. 

Bangkok sharing.. one of my favorite shot for the trip. 

Suddenly I am apprehensive of how I would spend my post-thesis day. I mean, these days, the moment I am done with dinner and shower, I am in front of my computer working on my data analysis. When my thesis is due, then I have nothing to do? Yes I can find back my life but I cant possible job search/ blog/ sleep/ watch TV/ jog/ chat/ msn/ shop all day, or can I? Looming depression?

And suddently, I am so proud of my thesis. Not proud of how good or how excellent it is. But proud that I am/ has been doing it. Haha!

One thing for sure, I can start writing my memory-lane and thank-you note by then... There are really people whom I must thank. You guys are my nearest strength.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You are my nearest strength. 

Oh, by the way, I jus so love the way best friend and Icommunicate: Msn, gmail, text messages and phone calls. Erm can we do any better?

Though, I also reject the way me and him communicate: invisible, even if we are side by side. Such interesting.  

Jus now the negotiation class was touching on how you deal with your own anger and someone's anger. For me, its easy. Get into my own room, plug into the ear phones and turn the volume up. Otherwise I will jus cry or go to sleep. And if I am not at home, then I will jus walk away. I think I am best at walking away. But really not entirely. As for dealing with someone who is angry, the same thing, I will jus walk away.

Was reminded about an interesting incident that happened during the Bangkok trip. Think it happened on the second (which is the last) night. I wanted the lights to be on, but best friend didnt. Probably it is too bright considering I felt that way too when I took the outer bed on our HK trip. So if this is a conflict (it is hardly a conflict!), do you know how we resolve it? We switched the TV on so that there is some sound and less fear. Though best friend switched it off sometime in the middle of the night. *smucks*

Something to laugh about. Best friend couldnt receive the two super duper huge files in the office mail (the!) so told best friend to log onto my nus email. By the way, we used to do that all the time. Us logging into each other's mail to get/ send files. So I gave him my login user name and password.

So I said "Password is - - - - - -".

A moment of silent passed. Did best friend not hear it?

The next moment, best friend burst out in laughters. Thanks ar.

Best friend said "I never even think would someone ever use such a password." Please, its a very decent word.

So I gave loads of excuses why - - - - - - is my password.

Best friend only had one thing to say. "Dont need give excuses loh". Thanks ar.

Racking my brains to think why those numbers are like that. Sometimes I think things happen at a random pattern. There is no "why"! Argh.

Ever since my supervisor reserved a computer terminal for me, I hadnt been using other computers. Also because I needed some softwares that are installed in that computer. Anyway today is a totally different mood as of the weekends. The day started being so moody and upset for something that happened even before I stepped into campus. Shucks.

Was talking to best friend and helping him to find his journals. He must have left school for a long time that he couldnt quite remember all those stuff. So yes I was using another computer (with people asking me why I am not using that computer of "mine") and I realised I left so many traces of memories behind. My wallpaper, the songs that I used to listen, the files that I used...

Two heartbroken people spend half the early morning chatting, searching and emailing journals! Best friend had to log on to my nus email too! Because supposedly his office email couldnt receive those super duper zuper auper big files! Haha!

Thanks for relieving the past again!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Thanks for relieving the past again!

The Next Big Thing: Tuesday Meeting with Supervisor!

I choose to remain silent for all that it is giving me. Because I know if I would to talk to you about it, I would break down and cry. 

Titled: I am missing
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My best companion is invisibility
My best encouragement comes in silence
My best interaction has to be avoidance
My best greeting lacks acknowledgement...
In all, I am missing

I wished the calendar forgets that after S-u-n-d-a-y will come M-o-n-d-a-y. Nah. Uploading and printing my homework. Tomorrow still have the computing tutorial to do. Argh!

I remembered telling someone before that I "probably have no life goals after my thesis is done". I know it might sound silly, especially to adults. Let it be that I hadnt found one, or I still hadnt thought of one, I must admit I have pretty much nothing planned for my life already. Thats why I am in no hurry to complete this stage. Though I reckoned a holiday will do me some good. Haha. Holidays never lose their magic, do they.

These days, I do wonder if I am myself (though I didnt think hard enough to generate depression or any answers). I wonder am I the one who loves unplanned overseas holidays. Am I the one who rather not keep those money in the bank. Am I the one who loves freedom to such an extent. I dont know, though I seen myself going on two rahter-unplanned holidays over the last one year, spending money (always more than other people), collecting memories and being very happy.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
If I am a leaking bag of water, is he the umbrella?
If the bag burst and broke beyond repair, will the umbrella come to the rescue?

Its quite cramp but really ok for (1) our first time (2) any subsequent short flights...! 

Bangkok sharing... One reason why I love the morning flights... 

Amazing to me... 

Feel like doing nothing but sitting in front of the computer doesnt seem to help. Written 5.5 pages of I-dont-know-if-it-helps, I am drained. Unproductive, uncreative and unsure. Shucks. Meeting supervisor on Tuesday.

Friends, could be the best of friends. But, they bring about separation. A lifetime together, yet like a travelling journey, friends part at the airport with one's own luggages, heading home separately. Only like a walking stick, without a will, no magical can a stick perform. Sometimes, choices change everyone's journey.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Even if the journey would to end, I am still looking forward to the next one.

Yes, you must have seen this before. My ntuc-receipt-air-ticket. 

Bangkok sharing... the rather- empty airport... 

Fly me there *smucks* 

This was taken while I was in the erm toilet. Haha. Changi's toilet I mean. The ones in BIA (Bangkok International Airport) has this bangkok smell, bangkok music and old- katong design. You see, I wasnt even any much excited about the trip. At least the excitement died down a few days after I printed my hotel reservation slips from my computer. Maybe because we travel before, maybe because I was lacking on sleep, maybe because we are going to Bangkok only. Nah. No, its because it always take a while before I get "warmed" up to things/ people. Including shopping! Normally I will start to be on the buying spree about 1, 2 hours of window shopping.  

Bangkok sharing... taken in Mac, after our breakfast... 

I jus came back from two interviews and one jog. Feeling very tired, expectedly disappointed and lingering pain. Disappointment comes from one job rejection. Lingering pain came from him.

You told me not to think about it anymore but it still hurts. Pain comes without thinking. In fact, he robbed me of sleep and simple happiness. And, I read somewhere that says one might be able to lock someone out of his/ her world, but that someone will still hold the key. Whatever.

Going to bed now. Hopeful I can find the thief (that robs my sleep) and locks him up somewhere else. Waiting up for some numbers, many journals, long hours and decent writing (for my thesis).

Please, let me find a job.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Pain didnt come with thinking of him. It jus came, on its own, without my invitation or approval. Please be here with me till I am alright.

What I will be doing for the weekend... figuring out what these numbers mean and explaining why they appear the way they are! 

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Till now, you are still the only one who can turn a happy girl into a crying girl, and turn a crying girl to a happy girl. 

Conversation with best friend. By any chance if you would to think this is a failed love declaration, you are so wrong.

Tears rolled down the moment I heard this- I am here along with you. Thank you for making me cry. A cry should make me feel better even if I am not better.


"because he scared you dissapointed issit"

"because he cares how u feel??"

"i think that u think too much liaoz"

"its scared you dissapointed"

"i really think even as a friend he will still think that you will be disappointed"

" that one is because he has no control"

"you dun believe i also cannot do anything"

"but i think i am right"

"i am the truth"

"please la"

"dont think it this way"

"because you are blind"

"because you too focus on yourself"

"you never put yourself in his shoes to think"

"he just feels that he will not have to face a dissapointed face"

"thats what i think. maybe guys all think alike"

"dont play around with my words please"

"he doesn't mean to hurt you deliberately even in the end he did"

"but be so sad la. i am here along with u"

"for me i will also be hurt lor. but wat can we do"
 

Deliberately or not, I am already hurt.  

I remebered that day. I didnt even sleep much the night before. Like the HK trip. But its always a nice thing to be taking a flight in the morning. I like the peace, the freedom and feeling of missing that the airport provides. This photo is taken while having hashbrowns at Mac in the airport. I like such a view even if I wouldnt be boarding a plane. Holiday. I need one soon. I want to go away.  

Bangkok sharing... 

Depressed. 

At home today. Was doing work till rather late last night. Plus the TV. Anyway, lazy me f-i-n-a-l-l-y fix the new printer ever since my old one spoils.

Dont feel like doing any work today. Tired, restless and upset. Anyway I decided not to bother about things that are meant to make me sad.

I love this photo! I love planes! But today I feel terribly upset over this place. 

Bangkok sharing - Photo series!