I was in the line waiting for my lunch, to suddenly have this thought dawned on me- am I part of this production line of the society, when how I see how three persons behind the stall either cook the noodles, put in the ingredients or collect my money. I dont want that. I need changes, challenges and surprises along the way. I supposed I wouldnt make it to a yatch-owner and a billion-dollar houseowner but somehow also not the plain-and-plain kind of life. Probably the Europe holiday is the first baby step to one change/challenge/surprise. So, despite whatever motives if any, coming up with a design for the bed, or a table, is fun. *smucks*

And you bet I am thinking of more bets and pacts to make it all so fun, memorable and funny. What about the one-barcelona-postcard-a-day pact? How nice to cycle to the beach.

P/s- The saints tee pact! Finally recall.

I think I need a break, from an overdose of studying on Saturday. Slept through the afternoon but still not feeling totally at ease studying. My last chapter for Book 4. One more Book to go.

Family(?) lunch on Tuesday. I probably drop by the bookstore during lunch tomorrow to look at accomodation for days that I will be on my own. Perhaps I can get a drawing board there, sit at some cafe and try to draw what I see into something decent. That sounds so romantic, even on my own. Or I would knock out and jus sleep. Or walk around on a camera-less day. Or go hunting for that painting. Or all of them. Should I already get my travel journal as well?

T is right to (always) say that friends who soon lead different lifestyles will eventually go their own ways when they start to find that they no longer have sufficient common topics to e.g. cover a dinner.

So anytime it could jus be the last paris-painting present, the last shot with Mickey, the last wine-d dinner, the last holiday.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
The last goodbye.

I feel like vomitting. From all the green tea, peach tea, milk, quite a bit of studying, the lack of afternoon sleep... Trying to study more since I m-i-g-h-t be away for a month. Still think its scary for that 2, 3 days being alone but I supposed nothing's more urgent than getting the air ticket confirmed.

Spent 2 hours looking at apartments in Barcelona. Found one that is really nice, my favorite so far. Comes with a huge bed, a narrow walkway to the balcony from the bedroom, spacious white kitchen, all white walls, a white and classy toilet and a huge balcony with all the sunshine, near to the shopping street and the beach. I hope the kitchen comes with a refrigerator, and the apartment with a tv, because I dont remember seeing it. And a hair dryer, curtains for the huge windows, washing machine and air-cond will be great. Those balacony handle bars, the apartment without the lift but only the stairs, the narrow street- I smile. Another one comes with a beach roof view, which I wasnt sure if we can get a-beach-view from the photos online. But I dont like the foldable beds. Else its one with a 2nd storey bedroom and narrow but cute stairs and a super huge wooden-frame window. Or the one with the green framed windows, nice little round table and small kitchen. But somehow they arent totally spanish- wooden bar ceilings, spanish floor design, the window frame, the round balcony space and steel balcony handle bar. Well... nothing can be confirmed so its jus pure surfing. As long as there is no red bedsheets, red walls or red lamps!

I had coke in the middle of the day. Thats why I could do much studying, couldnt take any afternoon nap and totally still awake.

I dont believe in anything and anyone. Not jus on my side, there are so many things thats happened and I see how I can no longer believe in anything, not that I dont want to.

Its all about money that people are living for, arent they. I totally dislike this part that I have to go through.

I dont know what the issue is all about. Because if I cannot pin-point it, does that means there is no issue at all. Was it the root beer with ice cream in the cold cafe thats making me feel feverish now and therefore this tired for a cry. Or was it all that had happened. Or was it jus the song that is repeating in the player. But I am finding it so difficult. As though I still want everything in tact, I feel so difficult for things to exist now. I laughed, I joined in the bets and pacts, and even when I stop asking myself if I believe you, I still find it so difficult. Maybe I can no longer tolerate the possibility of losing it all again, losing myself to it again but yet I know somehow one day it will end so why never to pick it up.

I told you it is difficult for me. But, you are thinking that it is now no longer difficult?

The refrigerator joke. The nice black Hi-Fi. The nice clocks. The white wall. The junior-designer. The office. The desk. The privacy. The interactive area. The pantry. The apartment, the stairs, the bed, the streets, the house. The salary review. The bonus review. The performance appraisal. The book cafe. The disneyland-gift-exchange pact. The barcelona-beach bet. The cutting-hair-in-Shen-Zhen bet. The barcelona-cooking-competition bet. The drinking-up pact. The Mango-shopping bet. The Paris-painting present. The I-am-over-hang broken english. The goodwill, and the conscious. The company letter. The root-beer-with-ice-cream. The 10pm.

I know I have never been to the Book Cafe, but everything seems so familiar to me. Even the laugters and jokes, bets and pacts, dreams and reality- they all came back. Was I only the one who decided to daze at some point of time? I mean, if FV is going to get too far away, then what is the point of comparing PV?
FV: future value; PV: present value.

Actually does social class exist in society or does it exist only in our hearts. Will weath and success drive everything apart.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Did everything went back to the past. Or did the past came back.

Who existed. What existed.

The song you mentioned, I listened carefully to hear Sef's singing...

"...Also raining, the sky is crying, dont know when to give up, suddenly I really miss you.
Your backview made me lose my rationale, your giving up is making me lose myself, your leaving is like a tatoo in me that never can be removed, so painful and so beautiful
I work hard to cry but there are no tears.
Each time I get disappointed all over again did I realise I am already numb.
Finally I realised I no longer care about you..."

... is this all that I can tell you? Will they get disappointed for me believing in you... Will you get disappointed for me no longer believing in you... If it is meant to drift apart in the future, why not break it totally apart now. I hope my msn nick will make you understand this is how I feel about everything.

Our interesting conversation

"If you go with WL, then she will cook , if you go with me then you will cook and I will help carry grocery hah. So I hope your TP can cook and carry"

If TP goes with me, TP will cook and carry.

I will eat. Ok, I will play with food as well. *smucks*

Haha, but I think I will love to try to cook spanish food too.

*smucks* (argh to the fact that I am s-t-i-l-l on the waiting list till dont-know-when).

At least, this is confirmed, isnt it.

All but waiting lists. Argh.

After all the merry-go-rounds, after a million permutation and combination, I am now awaiting to confirm my flight details. Was put on waiting list and I hope everything will be fine.

Still its the "hehe... i at home le" that makes me feel everything is more normal.

I (we) heart home.

From Google images.

"When awoken, the dreams scattered, we walked our different paths"

The grey, white, black strip turtle neck. The grey pants. The bag. The phone. The mickey mouse. The pouch. The key-chain.

I dont want to find your lost key-chain.

Can I believe in what I think should be the case.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

I lost the bet, did I not.

Sometimes I wonder what makes me happy, or even tick. Hearing the extra money that would be coming in one month's time didnt make me excited, not especially when I can think of enough ways to spend all of it (read: the greedy, unsatisfied me) and not when I have been delaying getting all the big items. Going for a long holiday is a-l-r-i-g-h-t, considering there are some constraints as well. Getting a new digital camera is n-o-t a very happy thing since its a replacement transaction.

The 101 ways to spend the extra money

1. Rebonding, $100
2. New digital camera, $500-600
3. Tailor shirts, $250
4. New mobile phone, $200
5. For parents, $secret
6. For grandmother, $secret
7. Family treat, $150
8. Long holiday, $4,000-5,000 (is that too much?)
9. Savings (anything left?)
----------------------------------------------------
$ 5,300 + 2$secret

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Geographically and emotionally far.

Been thinking, how would his response be, if it was still like in the past when I would tell him over the phone of the whole pending-holiday. But then again, I cant even recall when was the last time we talked.

Never mind, jus wondering.

And listening to the new album, and trying to catch up with the 1.5 weeks of unproductive studying.

His eyes became wide open, but soon revealed a smile and said, "Jus go. Yap I am fine, jus take."

I feel like I am taking my university December holiday again.

Hope everything goes well.

P/S- By the way, the building opposite of Taka is Lucky Plaza, not Far East. *smuck* To the XXXXX who gotten confused after eating fish and chips for quite some time.

PP/S- I didnt say who XXXXX is ya?

I must try to convince myself that it is not a bad plan after all. I must remind myself that things turn out this way therefore the choices I made. I must remember that I love to be to explore.

Probably its sitting in front of the computer for too long that I suddenly forget the courage I have and how I want to see the world.

I like it with a big screen. I like it silver and nothing but silver. I like it with a hand-grip though it seems so cool with it all flat. I like it with enough life to last for as many shots as possible. I like it with a memory card that stores endless shots. I like it with huge internal memory.

Either it was this way, or it was that way. Can I jus do what I want?

Anyway. Maybe it isnt the worse situation.

And now I am looking at the specs of digital cameras. Argh.

Books, books and books!

Sometimes I wonder if my inability to stay angry with someone over a long period of time is actually a bad character trait.

"Yes it is" was the answer I received.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
So overwhelmed with things that I almost forget that I have something to tell you.

Trying to combine a business trip with a personal holiday is almost mission-impossible. To get the timing right, to get the leave right, to get your companion right, to get your companion's leave right, to get the whole thing fits into properly on top of a million other trival items on the Please-solve List. But I supposed its the theory that there-is-no-free-lunch-in-the-world, and you-got-to-work-for-what-you-want. So it jus boils down to how much you want it.

Everything is almost still pending. This uncertainty, which first started almost 3 weeks ago, doesnt seem like it is about to be resolve.

I rather study now!

TP,

So much has happened.

28 March was the first time I was tossed with the idea of holidaying in Europe. A million considerations and 2.5 weeks gone by with the idea of what I named it to be a "Best Friends' Europing" trip and the daily check on the air ticket prices. A million considerations and 2.5 weeks later, I am indeed going to Europe, but on a trip now known as "Bathing to Europe", totally unexpected that this is it.

Half expecting to go, half expecting not to go; half wanting to go, half not wanting to go, but now these are no longer relevant. They have all but expired.

Why am I upset. I am upset over the way you throw all your unexpected changes to me yet hint that my problems are jus my problems. But I was told that I am overly sensitive and I supposed unconsiderate. Which are alright because I dont intend to change your perceptions, no rights to that. So I acted the way when I am upset. I become independent, distant and back to being peaceful. No more dramatic events please, jus leave me alone for a while. A long while.

Because if I can no longer talk properly to you, if I can no longer differentiate your lies and the truth, because if I no longer can tell if you are sincere, because if you are no longer who you are, then, leave me alone I guess. The friendship will take whichever route it is meant to.

I will drop you a if-you-are-here postcard alright?

"Wanna meet somewhere"

Your TP

Checklist

1. Confirm June/July conference trip [Tomorrow]
2. Rebonding [May]
3. Buy digtal camera [31May]
4. Apply credit card (JCB might not be so internationally recognised?) [soon]
5. Read up for my conference trip [till June/July]
6. Continue with my cfa (which I've not touched for the past 4 days) [Tomorrow]
7. Read up on where I am going [till June/July]
8. Plan for where I am going [soon]
9. Make necessary arrangement for work-related swops [Tomorrow]
10. Be excited over everything [now]

From Google Images.. This is where I am due to go...which despite all the other external factors, I am excited that f-i-n-a-l-l-y I am going on a business trip!

I was about to share about something happy, but my happiness has a life of a bubble. I was about to tell you something I remembered from my business school, when my professor said "anything that goes down will come up", but maybe my professor's words arent that inclusive after all. I was about to smile and tell you the plan, but you have to tell me the uncertain changes. I was about to ask myself to say calm, but I still have to express my un-calm-ness, not because of the uncertain changes supposedly beyond your control but because of the supposedly very considerate words. Do I sound like a bad guy here? Maybe jus super duper sensitive and super duper zuper inconsiderate. Give up talking to a kind lawyer.

But so funny when Zen said he cant pacify me now, and reminded me how exciting I think going on a trip on my own is. Ok! So I think I will be planning something big for myself. I mean I really can travel on my own if no one gets too overly worried to disallow that.

Was also talking happily (the emphasis) with my friend that I will be taking photos and telling her which spots to go back in a month's time to take the same photos as I did.

This year is meant to be a big (bang) year for me ya?

Life lessons

1. Simplicity brings about happiness. How long hadnt I been simple enough.

2. Decisiveness brings an end to everything that must end. Why am I only decisive when it comes to a 3-week thing as compared to a 4-year thing.

3. Your heart and your mind, when used together, often brings about more problems than solutions.

4. How sure are you. How unsure are you. Are you confident, that you are sure, or you are unsure.

5. Is the only way to move on to stop it.

6. When have I allowed myself to do everything jus because I want it. When have I think that risk and return are part and parcel of life. When have I picked up on broken and unwanted pieces of happiness. When have I walked back. When have I moved ahead.

You broke my wings. I want to fly, I want to be independent, I want to be me, I want to be a better-me, but I dont have my rights.

I cant fly now.

Destroy my hopes, destroy my dream, destroy my passion. Make me give up.

There is an interesting article about Michelle in the papers. Though it doesnt reveal too much about who she really is, something in the article caught my attention. She explained her competitiveness to be- "when given something, she would try her best. when she is not given it, she will not stretch out her hands to grab it." Which might actually explained a bit of me? I am competitive when given a piece of work, or when I put my heart to it. But as compared to things that I cannot accept, or I do not like, it takes a million years for me to decide, let alone take a step. Yet then again, can I say this is all of me? I supposed having dual personality sometimes make me to be somehow somewhere.

Bad habit- now I am feeling super duper sleepy to study but if I would to sleep, I will wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake for some hours before going back to bed. Argh.

Long (not-very-pleasant) day. Argh.

"[...]Go airport leh..."

"U got car? Changi is very far leh, nw leave can only reach tmr hor"

"Im around changi liao... You take mrt can direct hor"

"U ard changi i not leh..i dun mind [...]"

"Thats why you come la... Then i come back to singapore about time..."

"Very sian go so far!"

"Aiya... I got car later can send you back to town mah... "

"No computer?!?! Mrt = 1hr hor"

"Can write first wat... [...]"

"[...] Wait i finish lunch then c timing how loh"

"No need la...Just come first . [...]"

"I dun wanna airport *scream*"

"Come come... I always want to come airport... Morover got the feel..."

Saturday airport visit is tempting but my mind was more on Sunday Taka meeting. Wasnt very willing to travel so far as well. Ended up I stop replying to the message. Ended up talking over the phone. Ended up nowhere as well.

Ended up done with Sunday Taka meeting. Ended up wondering?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Why cant we be ourselves like yesterday.

Seeing it a million times later I am still seeing it. But the click-sound didnt come. Will morning be good?

Photos taken from Google image search.

"I never knew this side of you."

I smiled.

I am starting to like/ appreciate Sundays more. Maybe also because I am sleeping lesser and Sundays seem longer. Also because I am spending more time with myself, which I dont mean spending time in front of the computer, in front of the tv or with the books. And, the Sundays I love will see me leisurely walking in the malls, enjoying lunches over chit-chats, flipping pages in bookstores, sweating out or seeing how everyone rushes by but me.

Today's kinda different. Actually went to town even without meeting up with anyone nor have any plans to shop (read: the want-to-buy list is getting longer but I am saying n-o). The weather throughout the day cant quite decide between a sun-baked Sunday or a raining wet one, but I enjoyed the long walk in the sun to the bus stop. I love long walks in the sun, I love the bus7 ride home, and today I was totally engrossed in reading about Sicily. What a nice name, especially when it comes with my favorite letter s and y.

So while it can be a bit weird to hear someone actually called out SY, I smiled when I recalled how someone waves from afar. Zen said dont-think-too-much and I supposed so. Though abit of me would always be wondering whether I am who I was expected to be, and abit of me was waiting for the next meeting. Glad that Zen has been around *smucks*

I like sitting in the dark, on my bed and blogging on the laptop while the music blust. Jus like now. But its usually because I have too much on my mind to sleep. Probably 3 weeks ago, some unexpected happened. I am not dwelling on it anymore, but I am seeing and experiencing the changes in my life now. I probably cant convince myself that I moved on based on my inner determination, but rather more of how reality unfolds.

"To mend the friendship. I dont know what you are talking now. I dont know whats going on already."

"I feel that I hadnt move on in life. Maybe it is you that have."

In the same class. In the same classes. Buying one ring. Buying two bracelets. Making the cards. First ride in the car. The computer lab days. The law library days. The business library days. The powerpoints. The charts. The singing in the car. Over the phone discussions. The checking of results. The I-pass-my-driving. The chit chats. The long chit chats. Singing over the phone. Early mornings and early breakfasts. The mango sago. Next to each other in the exam hall. The cycling. The steamboat and ice cream. The car accident. The surprise birthday cake. SR room conversations. Studying together. Cold wars. Shopping and shopping. The black hair. The bathroom skirt. Listening to the same songs. The interview. The photo taking. The goodwood park hotel tea buffet. Hungry in the plane. Split up and headed own ways. Refusing to wake up in the morning. Stop number 5. Loads of plastic bags. The 1am shopping. The Hello Kitty. The air cond. The plug. Throwing temper over the hair. The heat wave. Sleeping in. Screaming of the lights. The first piece on the credit card. The order-in joke. Lost in the train. The encouraging hang-on there. The crying. The ride home. The absence in the graduation. The broken promise. The broken promises. The first fireworks. The emails. All the 2 hour lunch in Orchard. Msn through the day. The move-on. The deletion. The back-to-normal. Exchange of diary after a year. The present. What-do-you-want. The clear-up. The money. It-doesnt-fit-you-one-look-and-its-obvious. The trip. The two bimbos.

I am sorry, but I need time to cope with the changes. I know you can feel that I am drifting away but I supposed we are trying to make the friendship work. I really dont know if I should tell you (us) not to give up on the friendship, because a part of me missed those days while a part of me wish that this is all over. Give me some time.

"What I miss, when we have endless to talk
What I miss, was when we dreamt together
What I miss, after quarreling
I still want to love you
I remember the birthday that year
I remember that song
Who remember
Who forgotten
Like to ask why
Who went too far ahead"

I listen to it almost endlessly, knowing I was the one who went too far ahead, even too far ahead for me to cope with the friendship. I listen to it now and I teared. I want to cry out loud instead.

"We cant go back to that day
Will you suddenly appear
at the coffee house around the corner
I will smile to embrace you
sitting down with you
How much I wish to see you again
to know how are you now
no longer talking about the past
To tell you
how long we hadnt meet"

"Cant go back to those days
who wouldnt change
the more desire to see to realise
the years apart
the smiling face i saw is only what i miss
dont know how to converse
jus like how i have changed
dont know how you have changed
as if the wait to see again
was jus our mature acting
better that we never meet again"

Jus how much lies are presented to us each day. My philosophy all along is to believe in entirely what was communicated to me. Even if I come to realise it is a lie, I find it too confronting and destroying to make known the fact that I actually know (it is a lie). I still place my belief on the lie(s), thinking that there must be a reason behind every action and every word, and it is jus me who dont get the reason.

So why, why is it so difficult to say you want to sleep. Or why, why is it so difficult to say that you need to go out and therefore put down the phone.

I know they are all lies, because I know you (sometimes) a bit too well. Jus that each accumulating lie would soon shaken the belief I have on you/ the friendship.

Then again, for those that I still do not know well, am I supposed to believe everything you say, including how-you-steal-time-to-message-me. Because I want to believe. So eventually do we believe because we want to believe?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

Have I started to not want to believe?

My Wishlist *smucks*

(click on My Profile)

I start to bother less, I start to ignore more, I start to not believe in doubting. Which all these in fact is due to/ led to eroding faith. What is good or what is bad, everyone has their say. I dont want a say, neither do I want anyone to prove anything. There is a chinese saying that "the longer the road is, you will know the strength of the horses. the longer the time is, you will the character of the person." So is it that time hadnt been enough to tell, until now?

Now I kinda understand when things end, it is not necessarily the worse thing. At least every pretty memory is in tact, the way food are frozen. But when you thraw it, make sure its done up nice and warm. Otherwise the supposingly fresh food will go bad, otherwise everything will take the way down.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Fresh, frozen or finished.

And no, I am not feeling sad, at least not today. I jus dont feel anything, at all.

The (best?) friend called but by 8pm last night, I was already sleeping. Woke up at 5am to study and saw the msn nick. Then got another call in the morning, while Mr-Angel seems to remain silent again. Argh.

It seems like the world is confused as well. Well, at least to a confused soul like me, this world is confused too. Some companies want you to pay now for something that you will only be using in a few months' time, for instance airlines and hotels, which by the way you might not have decided yet. You could pay for them the day before you fly but either you dont get what you want or you pay enough to take a private plane to moon for that air ticket. But other companies allow you to buy options, such that you can choose not to exercise your choice if you happen to not want it already. Then you have companies that allow you to buy the ownership of the asset without owning the asset. No wonder the world is big. *smucks*

The message that puts a smile in me,

Death Note: you shall eat all the donuts and ice cream in this world n be inflicted by blissful sins.

From the Mr-Devil, or rather be known as Mr-Angel.

Make me smile more.

Someone who cant fly, is like the rainbow that loses its coat of colours.

Being busy, and/or being silent are what we are all doing?

[v2]

Come to think of it, perhaps I jus want the days of dating? Haha how nice it feels to shop leisurely, sit by the cafe to talk and walk around relaxingly.

On a separate note, whatever decisions made now, the consequences are mostly felt in time to come. So how best is my judgement?

And how money justifies to how we use it. Each time I think about going on a holiday and how much money I would spend at one go, I sometimes wonder if others will term it as unfair when there are pockets of people who badly make ends meet. Especially when I visit the rural parts of China, I couldnt reconcile the world that I live in and the world I see in front of me. The only difference between the me in the tour bus to be brought around and them in the plantations is that we were born into our roles. But at least whatever lifestyle or holiday I am leading, I am spending my own earnings.

The devil-message receiver was silent. Hmm...

[v2]

A Sunday that I experienced life again. Not that those Saturdays and Sundays ever since I left school werent life, but somehow I cant put down into words their differences.

Its always Orchard if you let me pick. Orchard is one of my favorite hang-out places. Took bus7 and while waiting to the train station, I called the friend. Somehow our usual practice is we never clearly say where our meeting point is, but we will be nearby. The friend is driving and told me to hang around Wisma. Was looking at clothing when the friend called to ask where am I. It was him whom volunteered to go shopping with me today when I rattled about how that tailor of his isnt open for the Sundays. Not long when I finished browsing that rank of clothing, he pop up. With a new hair and everything new that I hadnt seen before.

I still feel comfortable hanging around with him. Like how he would say "One look and it doesnt suit you. Its easy", "Not nice" with that facial expression and how he laughs when I tried to convert the Euros into SingD. The way I would be taken care of, in that brotherly-and-sisterly manner.

But somehow something has changed. Our interactions were filled with lesser and softer laughters, abit of a lackluster and somehow the sparklings are gone. Either he is burdened with heavy thoughts, he feels something has changed or it was me who's thinking too much. Or maybe all these are natural since the love is no longer there. But I am glad at least we are still friends to each other. Jus that probably the longer we left school, school is no longer is a common bonding topic for us already. As though we need something bigger or greater to get the friendship to smile.

Eventually settled at coffee club for lunch when my (our) pick of Crystal Jade is far too crowded. The previous time we were there, it was much of a difficult period I supposed. Today we were given probably the same seats along that stretch of tables. Jus like how the three times we were at Taka's Crystal Jade, we were given that same seat. Talked about the possible trip, how much we need, how many days to stay where, who to take charge on reading up on which cities and subsequently share with the other. The friend made the orders- washabi salad, lobster spag and honey mustard chicken sandwich. The waiter was about to walk away when he ordered the first two meals, probably thinking we over-eat. But we always managed them. Since I wanted to know how far Harlow is from Hearthrow, we stopped by Kino to look at the maps and the travelling guides, which got me even more excited. Jus how far am I from the trip.

Ended up at another favorite place of mine (ours)- Far East. Didnt get any working clothing but ended up with a pair of shoes. Cool, I love it. I dont usually get happy buying shoes because to me, as long as its comfortable, it comes with the ankle strip that I need (unless its sneakers that I am looking at), it is classy, thats my pair of working shoes. But this pair has a tasteful design that looks modern and unique. The friend ended up with a pair of shoes as well while I was trying on the Levi sneakers. A size too small, else its my kind of sneakers anytime.

The friend said goodbye while as usual, I jus went away.

Till everything becomes more like the past, he is still my best friend?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
After so much, I hope the friendship will still be the friendship.

P/S- No photos till I get myself a new digi camera. Super argh.

The power of internet? You found what you werent told.

So until the day you tell me, you wouldnt know that I actually Know. Haha.

P/s- you make me want to see the world.

I am reading yours, are you reading mine?

Time, is playing a joke with me?

I moved on, it came back. I move on, for another reason, it keeps moving.

Give up?

You are losing me. You will be losing me?

Now I love painting *smucks*

The feeling of unable to commit wholeheartedly is like doing a card without a clear focus of who or what the card is for. Terrible feeling.

Because I am sick, because I am bored and because I am lazy... this is me... *smucks*

Been sick since last weekend. Another MC day for- fever, throat infection, flu, block nose alternating with running nose, cough, breathing difficulties, headache. Argh, what a list. Hadnt been touching the books for a couple of days already!

Confused.

Anyway someone came by to the office today but I had to be on MC.

You didnt read about me because, I am so sick. Another MC-day.

Maybe its time for me to clear my stand. That is if you are reading it, E****.

The past two weeks had been a bad time for me, would be worse if not for those who hang around for me. I dislike knowing you in such a time, when you see all the complications and dramas in my life, because it (my life) shouldnt be this way at all. But I talked to you briefly about what happened because I wanted to talk to you. You did nothing wrong, you did what a friend will do. But something must be wrong somehow, isnt it.

Not jus an explaination I think I want you to know, it is also something for me to remember. Nothing more than a friend, or for that matter a best friend from university already. The tough two weeks, especially the phone conversation, made me realised that whatever love that may be is already in the past. The matter is not bothering me and its lifted.

I am not sure why for the first time I am doing this.

See my fringe *smucks*

My phone's wallpaper and msn photo, for now.

Hope to finish the report soon- been having some problems with it. Telling myself not to give up. But its hard when I want to study, I need some sleep, and I hadnt been watching any TV these days.

The doctor asked me to go back in a week's time, which I dont think the childish-me will. I still remember myself smiling when I saw Dont be childish on the phone. Child-like, not childish?

Another thing's weird, cant understand why. When will I figure it out.

But its so funny reading (its in today's papers) how a guy thinks a woman using a new handbag that she jus purchased is equivalent to a guy buying a tub of toothpaste from the supermarket and brushing his teeth on the spot. I will try to keep a look out for his column. Definitely reminds me of those days when I have the time to sit down, write stories and then read my own stories. Been so long. Either life has caught up on me, or I spend more time drawing, making cards, scribbling in my primary-school-50-cents exercise book and penning poems.

But its nice to realise I am more driven in life these days. I hope life stays this way.

Give me more hope, will you.

I took up my Mickey mouse keychain, but told myself that I am ok.

Went to the doctor and was given half day MC. Totally feeling sick...!

By the way, the Gmail thingy is an April Fools' Joke. Cant believe I am so naive...

Guan Xin said,

Thanks for coming back. I was trapped by the love I had for you for the last 10 years. You came back and made me realise that it is not that I no longer love you, but the love has been in the past. You gave me my most precious freedom, thank you.

Surprise! I am still waiting for that button to appear on my gmail *smucks* Now, this puts a smile back on me.

I once told someone, "If you consider something for too long, its mostly because you dont really need it, or jus somehow it doesnt quite fit". Maybe I am right, but I supposed it could also be because one doesnt have courage to make the decision. So where has all the courage and bravery of mine gone to (read: they could have already gone on their holiday).

Anyway I am still sick from now-dont-know-what.