The silence.

Or the deeper tone of the voice. Or the more patient sound.

Now not only my nose smells of (blue) paint, the long sleeves white colour jacket that I have worn no more than 5 times is stained with it. Argh.

Why I will come to know and feel. There is nothing wrong if I dont. But I never speak because I am not sure if silence will be the reply. If this is the way, this is the way then. Sometimes the best could at the same time be the worse too. And, nothing is absolute.

I was not given the ticket.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I was not given the ticket.

Taken from Teddy Bear Museum, Korea

Was looking at photos taken at TBM, Jeju and thought its so cool! Think he is a friend of Alfred.

Picture taken from Google Image.

The Prince said

Most of the planets have their own revolving cycles. Human, too have their time of death. In 2500 years, starting from now when 2500 years pass by, all the things we are struggling now, we will struggle later, and we will meet the same people we meet before.

But, the Prince didnt say if the ending will remain unchange.

I jus had a hair trim/cut. And checking it every 7 minutes. Argh, so dislike it.

In a lazy mood anyway.

I am too spoilt? While for some things I never seem to be able to change my mind, for others, I change my mind faster than the songs in the playlist. Sometimes I jus didnt like to be sad because it will make me so much like you. But I jus dislike that nothing I do can seem to fit into your bill (blogging, making of cards, fashion, studying too hard, watching too much tv, sending postcards, keeping diary, wanting to work harder), no consideration was given because it was not meant for me, and I cant even say anything. But I supposed I am used to this almost all my life as I only show you the side of me that you would agree, and seldom the other, especially the unhappiness? You can say that it makes me more independent, you can say that it makes me more distant.

I will still try but I dont see myself to be your perfect.

Is it true that we are no longer who we are. That those days were totally the past. That we no longer are even best friends. Or is it true that one day we will head towards two totally different directions in life that there is no way we can be who we were in the past.

Where are we heading.

What should I do.

I didnt know I was your pet.

This hurts me most.

Ok I think I can go to work now. Ar excited. I jus checked my company email and chosen what to wear to work. Ok I can go to work now. *smucks* Ok dumb me was jus excited to go to work because I cleared my emails, know what to do tomorrow and of course picked something really excited to wear.

Red top with white and blue poker dots. With a ribbon in front. Oh.

Anyway does anyone know how to purchase something online from a Korean website? Let me know? Or ok maybe if you have the answer, dont let me know? I think I will be too dead if I start buying online.

Was jus wondering, am I treating life way too serious? Or am I right that I shouldnt get hurt anymore?

Oh jus finished the last bowl of red ruby. It definitely tasted better on the first day when its made. Grandmother said that it could be that I didnt drain the water well enough thats why the jelly bit is no longer that chewy. Ok shall remember that.

Jus dont know why but I get especially lazy on a public holiday. Jus felt like lying on my bed for the whole day.

Did I ever say this, that I used to not know what to do as the elder one at home? I used to disagree with what was expected of me, and unable to play the role well. Subsequently perhaps I grew up, or perhaps I thought it was so cool to be the elder one, and I gradually took up what was expected of me. But I never forget that I always wish I have an elder brother, someone who will protect me and take care of me. So that even when I am crying, there is someone who can listen to my tears.

Wanted to meet up with friends for a chat tomorrow after work so that there is something to look forward to after 4 days of break. But I supposed there will be things for me to do and I wouldnt be able to leave that early. But I like it, I like it when there is a reason for me to work late. So jus hitting the gym during lunch time. I think I am getting much of a loner, eating on my own, gym-ing on my own, shopping on my own. Oh.

I need a break to find what I want in life. Earlier on I remembered I rattled on finding what I want in life. I cant say I have an answer for it, but I am making small little baby steps. As for the non-crying, mature and independent side of me, I will find it back, even if it meant loneliness for these period. I know I have been sounding very negative and emotional for the past few days, and on and off periods. But thanks for hanging in there for me, hoping that I will find what I want. Hang on there longer, I will not give up on myself. There will be more days ahead when I can be totally proud (not arrogant) of who I am and what I have achieved. There are also other mini plans in life but I shall share it when it comes. I am also contemplating on changing some habits of my lifestyle. Whatever I do, I jus want to be a better me. Even if I shall disappear thereafter, I think my blog remains to be closest to my heart, something that I might never be able to block, reject, refuse or pretend.

Came home and had only two mouthful of dinner. Could be due to the heavy lunch and tea breaks. Could be due to tiredness (packed too much stuff over the past few days). Could also be due to the supression of my feelings leading to extreme tiredness. Showered and feeling less fatigued. Shall go to bed after this blog.

Maybe because I was hurt too often that I have become too prideful, thinking that I am right, that even I couldnt take it anymore. I guess I forgot what I wanted, what I can have and most importantly I forgot all about discipline. But today was really too emotional draining that I cant live it all over again.

I guess at least I have fulfilled the sort-of-promise I made and there will be no more reasons for me to do anything anymore. You like it and said would be nice to try if I learn to make it. I didnt want to say what it was because it was meant to be a surprise. Though it might not be that much of a surprise, but more of a plotting who-wins-who-give-in kind of thing to you after last friday, but I made it with all my heart. When my hands were screaming tired, I continued to chop everything into the most even ability I could. When my hands were screaming hot, I continued to put my heart into completing it. I took it to the most convenient way to pass it to you but I reckoned you remained firm to your complicated impression that I must be kicking a fuss, throwing a temper, cooking something terrible or simply immature to the fact that you are busy. It jus made me realised that all these whiles I have failed. I failed to change that impression and it is not any of your fault. I must be so to appear so. And after much of my tantrum, it seemed, you took it in the most jokingly manner. And nothing else. Nothing of any sort.

Please give up on me. Let me go. Please stop torturing me in your kindest manner. At least for a period till I can resume back to this.

I cried non-stop, as the dryer and loud music muffled my tears. I need a break from you. I have no idea how can I do so. Neither do I know how long can I be away, will I be away, if I am ever away.

I dont want all the happy memories to be wipe away by all these.

I am nothing so let me go.

***

In the most formal ever way to put across the message.

When I said it, all was offered was a I-cant-be-bothered tone.

1 missed call.

Another missed call.

Another missed call.

Still missed call.

A message.

Wait.

More waiting.

A I-am-very-busy tone wishing that you-shouldnt-bothered.

A show-up because I-had to.

***

It was nothing of your fault. It was me who was lost. I forget that this is not it should be.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
There is nothing that I can talk to you already. Until I find my previous ability, there is nothing that I can talk to you already.

I can no longer call you freely. Because I didnt want to or I didnt know how to.

[more photos to be posted later]

We all knew when we leave a place, most of the time the place experiences no, minimal or some changes. It was us, rather, that have become different somehow. For instance, I somehow feel excluded while walking along the benches where every undergraduate will gather and meet their friends for project discussion, despite I still want to feel close to this place I called home for the past 4 years. Well of course, it was till when I was in year 2 that I start to develop attachments for this place. Call me a late developer, a slower start. I am.

And while I was in the computer lab, I no longer could use my user name to log in and it took me about 3 seconds to recall that the plug for the ear phones are at the CPU and that I dont have songs in the computer for me to listen to.

But still, I love and treasure every opportunity I have to come back to school. Jus that it seems that I hadnt feel quite happy the last time I came back, and only slightly better today.

Met WL and SQ for lunch, desserts and tea break. Each time I know I am coming back to school, my appeptite grows. Because I had something earlier on, I skipped breakfast (else I will have bread and coke for breakfast in Buz ad canteen) and gorged on lunch. I shared coke (not chilled enough), fried fish with pasta, and grilled fish with mashed potato with my sister. Had mango sago as desserts. We sat at the end of the canteen and chatted. Mostly about our weird habits, our pending cooking classes (what we will be learning, what we will wear...), if we are scared of ghost, and the red ruby deserts that I made. DIdnt happen to meet my Prof though.

Back in school, all the memories seemed to come back to me. I have a few separate sets of memories for my four years. Guess I missed those last year most. Naturally so seemed thats the last bit of me around. Ok I am exhibiting the behaviours of a piece of wood- losing heat super duper slowly.

Ok before Dad comes to pick us up, I am packing dinner from school to eat later. Continue later.
`

Part II of my making of red ruby

Took the chopped red ruby out from the refrigerator.

In the process of making the jelly-like outer layer of the red ruby.

Cooking it.

700 grams of water chestnuts and after many hours and steps... this is it!

Eating it *smucks*

Definitely not the best student in town, I was taught by the best chef. Patient teaching, some loud instructions, numerous demonstrations and repeated reminders. Cuts, burns and some red dyes on my hand.

Still, cooking is fun, fun and loads of fun. For such a lazy student, of course I dislike the aftermath- the cleaning up of flour, the washing of all the utensils and the resume-kitchen-to-its-original-look task. Haha!

Ergh, then its kinda true, I didnt get super duper zuper excited about eating it myself. Rather I am more excited when my sister and grandmother eat it. And, dont expect all regularly sized red ruby. *smucks*

Were there times when deep down you knew you make a decision but you remained indecisive?Were there times when you needed some hints to the future for problems you thought were unsolve-able? At times like this, I turned to the forces of nature. Maybe it sounds ridiculous to you, but at least it pretends to solve the toughest questions. For me, I turned on the radio and whatever song that is playing has some hidden answers for me.

The one time that it shocked me was the period when I was deciding which faculty to choose for my university studies. Its a tie between School of Business and Arts. Everyone had some opinions for me, or what they deem best for me. I listened but remained confused. I was listening to my receiver while I walked to the Interchange. Suddenly I made attention to the lyrics of the song. It sings something like - You know what is best for you; You know what it is. I couldnt say that song has made the decision for me, but I reckoned it gave me some powerful faith that I am brave enough to make that decision. And of course I went into School of Business and have never looked back. The thing is, I never quite remember who sang the song or what is the title of the song. I never hear it again too.

So when I was feeling bottled up yesterday, I opt for afternoon shopping and took on the same way to receive some hints for the days ahead. I breathed in, switched on the receiver while trying to play time by untangling the earphones. When I finally plug them into my ears, it was playing a Hua Jian's song. A super duper happy song about how the obstacles are actually paving ways to a happy relationship, how he wants to spend all his time with her, how knowing each other is a blessing while waiting is tough, how having her makes everything bearable, how it is a slow pace towards happiness, and how all of these will deserve blessings. Despite following the TV drama rather closely, which this song was the opening song for the drama, I always thought it has a chessy lyrics with a chessy music. So when this was t-h-e song, I thought not only the problem, even this hint seems to be a joke to me. I do want to believe in this hopeful hint but it paints an unrealistically wondering picture. It gives me hope and the same time equal amount of disappointment.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
The prideful me still cant say it.

I am waiting for the kitchen to be free (mum's cooking something) so to continue with Red Ruby making part II. I hope it (all) will work out well.

I should stop playing that chessy song.

If I have hurt you, it hurts me even more. If I hadnt hurt you, it hurts me still.

Anyway, today was a long day. Was at grandmother's house in the morning. Ran some errands and waited for her friends to come. She invited friends over and we were there to help out. Went shopping in Orchard on my own after that. Wanted to look for something that I want. Either its a blessing in disguise or jus sheer luck, the stores jus dont carry what I want or that the sizes are jus too big.

Came back to learn how to make red ruby deserts from my grandmother for the first time. She makes real nice one! Had always wanted to learn but like other things that I wanted to learn, either there is no real urgency, no extreme interest or jus no motivation. Was reminded the other day when I brought over the chocolates that it would be nice to taste red rudy that I make. Since its the long weekend for me, I thought its time I learn cooking, and from grandmother.

And dear me, my hands are so tired. The steps to making a bowl of real nice red ruby is super duper zuper alot of hard work! Not only that it must be prepared over night. So tonight's hard work is jus part 1. Removal of skin and cutting into small cubes took me almost 1.5 hours for 700 grams of chestnuts. Left the chopped chestnuts in the refrigerator for more work tomorrow. Hope I/it will succeed! Grandmother said that I am crazy to start learning something so difficult! I agree that too.

Right: 700grams of water chestnuts

Left: Remove skin for all of them

Center: Prepare base for red ruby

Right: Cutting the chestnuts into small, tiny and regular cubes

Left: Cut!

Center: Putting the red water chestnuts into the refrigerator

Despite the 2500-year incident earlier the day, I went ahead with shopping plans at Vivo. I totally believe that this mall has already welcomed over a million visitors since its opening. I myself have gone there 3 times already, plus seeing how crowded it can be. I still feel like a tourist when walking into the mall. And I am alright with the slight inconveniences of lack of phone reception. I mean how often do we get a new mall, and such absence in reception totally fits into the illusion that I am in another country shopping *smucks*.

Had Pu Tian's Luo Mee. WL introduced me to this place and I have been wanting to try it. Pu Tian was featured in the newspapers about two months ago, and before this VC's outlet, they were at Kitchener Road. Unlike what we usually have, the soup base for its Luo Mee is white in color and less salty. The noodles resembles that of Bian Mian, but of a less flour-y taste. Ingredients include thin slices of fatty meat (I skipped there), cabbage, onions, clams (the longish kind) and super fresh prawns. Something new and I think I will be back to try other dishes at Pu Tian.

The subsequent shopping experiences yield good news and bad news. Good news being, I remain thin as compared to the Size XS by brands like Z***, M****, T****** and G**. The bad news being, despite finding what I like, I am unable to buy. I suddenly wish I am an excellent tailor myself so that I can make clothing according to my designs.

Then I went to BT to get some interesting food for my family to try. Gotten their carrot bread and Hokkaido Chocolate Bread. The former really taste like normal bread except it comes in the lovely baby orange color. The later is a cross between bread and cake, topped with chocolate and coated with a cripsy outer layer. Definitely a nice one!

Came home and helped my sister to do her powerpoint slides. It took me a while to get the hang of designing the slides since I hadnt been doing that for quite some time. Thought it was quite fun, but definitely nice if she will pay for the P&B mini skirt and leggings that I want. I mean its OT work, plus eva of public holiday, plus graduate design for all that 3+ hours. I even use my own photos to enrich the salon presentation (me in salon photo, before and after). Ok I am joking? *smucks*

But then, I kept thinking of the 2500-year incident. I wrote down all my thoughts and it jus made me cry.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You make me cry.

2500 years later, can you not approach me.

Loneliness and saddness, I chose the former.

Even if we dont have 2500 years.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I told you, 2500 years later, can you not approach me.

Neither I am right or I started off with a wrong mindset. But either way, I am still on it so I have to correct all incorrects. Including the wrong mindset, the depressing thoughts and unmotivating attitude, and loads of mistakes. Still learning how to balance between being flexible and following strictly to precedents, how to balance between taking initatives and assuming, how to balance between being active and too aggressive. Thats why I need to force and be hard on myself.

Am taking Monday off so to enjoy the long weekend. After that, its serious business that I must wake up to, and live through each day. No more otherwise.

There are some things in life that you know it is good/ bad for you but you jus dont follow the most logic way out. You jus love to do what you love.

Cutting hair happens to be one of such things.

My hair is long and I know a hair cut should make me look somehow younger. My hair is long and takes a longer while to dry. My hair is long because I can see it from the photos. My hair is long and its time for a trim. But even up till the point when I make an appointment to trim my hair (neighbourhood salon needs appointment too), I am still thinking i-f I am really going for a trim (read: not a cut). In fact, I dont jus have second thoughts. I had third, fourth and eventually a million-th thoughts if this is t-h-e time to trim my hair. Especially so every morning when I take the train to work and every evening. I recalled all but one previous hair cut/trim that I wish I jus hadnt gone for it. The hairdresser whom happens to give me that kind of cut that I fall in love instantly happens to be someone who I dont quite catch what he is talking. He rattled on while making hair signals and I could badly understand. But I was super duper adventurous and brave (I am never daring with my hair(dresser) in Singapore), leaving my hair to fate and his scissors.

Yes, he's the hairdresser I got while holidaying in HK.

I love my new hair cut and the hair rebonding that I took a photo with him, and another with the shampoo boy. Not only that I developed and sent the photos to them.

But I bet they wouldnt be around the next time I visit Hong Kong. Super duper zuper sob.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
There are some things in life that you know it is good/ bad for you but you jus dont follow the most logic way out. You jus love to do what you love. Am i the first to realise i am always placed last, unless needed.

You jus make me feel that the memories we shared in the past really belonged to the past because you came back not for them.

Am i the first to realise i am always placed last, unless needed

Peace, or pissed?

Sometimes I dont like the MSN. It jus makes you so easily available, making me feel like on the tender hook that anyone could jus send you a message anytime.

Anyway sometimes I jus get so bottled up.

Note- I am such a shopaholic. I was in office when best friend called, saying that PS had a sale of 50-70percent. We spotted the same bag design that we wanted (but of a different size) so I walked over to MS i-m-m-e-d-i-a-t-e-l-y to check. Disappointingly, that particular bag is not entitled to any discount. I walked back almost i-m-m-e-d-i-a-t-e-l-y because I have something due today and a meeting at 2pm. The shopaholic me.

As WL and I were talking about how we love 'shoppings in 2', I suddenly miss those holidaying shoppings we had. And yes thats what I miss.

From the morning whinning and coaxing of "no coke, go take breakfast" to the night's "must shop till the legs break", I jus miss everything.

Maybe I jus miss that presence.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I must have crumbled to those days

Life is interesting and exciting. Life is boring and meaningless. This 'life' index is changing everyday for me. Argh.

Went to the gym for a jog today. Believe it or not, its my first time on the trendmill. Of course the dumb me had to press on 2.2 as the speed to be told that it is way too slow a speed. And of course I jus couldnt get used to running on the same spot while realising the ground moves. Its like jumping on the same spot but yet running? Busy people really know what to invent. And its so weird seeing the ground plus the scenery unchanged while I jog. Ok the only thing that changed was the DHL hot air balloon that rose upwards. Its not much fun seeing my image through the reflection of the window, and thought it was much of a distraction to see the numbers on the machine jumping while I jog. The most interesting thing was when I stepped down the machine and felt that I was walking on the moon. I mean, I felt like I have lost control of my legs and I was so afraid to bump into anything thats on my way. Haha. But it was good thing to occupy my lunch hour anyway.

Doing something for best friend so ya if I have the time later, I shall blog more about what I am missing this afternoon and then plan my activities for the weekends and public holidays, hoping them to be something for me to look forward to.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
It continues and I think I am going to be worry about it always.

So yes I looked like a student.

So tired. Shall sleep after this entry. Anyway I jus hope that I am a slower starter in life and nothing more. Argh. The kind of frustration needs a venting space.

Except on one occasion, I have tried to refrain myself from discussing about the experiences I had while taking trains. Because if I dont, I probably have endless soap-operas stories to share. But today I have thought of a physics theory to share with our fellow train passengers. You see, the body of the train is made of metal or steel or something-else-that-I-dont-know. Whatever it is, it does not have elastic properties like balloons, so please understand that when you cant squeeze your way out, you need P-a-t-i-e-n-c-e. When the first in front of the guy/ girl in front of you stepped out of the train, the guy/ girl in front of you can do the same, so do you. So its useless trying to hit/ slam your arm against anyone because unlike air bubbles, they cant disappear and make space for you. Another basic common sense of great value that I would love to share with you is that- when there is no space on your right, it could be because there is some space on your left. You see, they are jus the few that I encounter today. Even walking home across the carpark every evening is enough drama. Thanks to all those I-always-remember-my-headlights-jus-forgot-them-today and I-always-use-ear-piece-to-talk-on-the-mobile-jus-forget-them-today drivers.

Anyway I packed my jogging shoes, secondary school class tee and college PE shorts for tomorrow. I am getting bored with walking-to-Place-A-so-that-I-can-walk-back-to-office-as-exercise or climb up the stairs (from #12 to #20; because the lift for our tower served #12 and above). Plus the fact that I dont want to end up like some silly shopaholic who cant get enough of shopping (I see the same stuff on the shelves since I frequent the malls/shops abit too much) so I probably reduce lunch-time-MS-shopping to twice per week and hit the office gym during lunch time. Wish me determination.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Somehow some attention, is that it.

Ok stop laughing. *smucks*

Its always on a Sunday evening that I wished I engaged in more activities over the weekend (mostly wishing that I have gone shopping *smucks*). But I guess lazing around the house, reading the papers, watching TV, doing housework had been the normal Sunday activities for me.

Because of my recent obsession with poker dots, and constant experiments of different fashion trends, I bought this when we went to PP. Will post up photos if I really wear them to work on Monday. *smucks*

The only leisure of a working life is the weekends when I can afford to do anything I want. When I was studying, going out for dinner or shopping was really a rare occassion. I rather spend the time catching up on TV, sleep or more studying.

Wanted to treat Grandma for a meal and she chose Thai food. So after picking up my sister from school (she is having her Mid term), we went to Golden Mile Complex for dinner. I did some research and decided with GMC because it serves the most authetic Thai food. I bet Thai Express is another popular choice but too crowded over the weekend. While we went to Golden Mile Tower for steamboat (another lovely choice), it was the first time to GMC. We went to Diandin Leluk, a popular choice among food bloggers and its not difficult to know why. A more condusive environment as compared to the rest.


Ice tea ($1.20)- A bit sweet but definitely nice when the ice melts.

Sambal Kang Kong ($6)- Thumbs up.

Tom Yum Soup ($12) - Yummy, but too bad its not boiling hot. I love my soup boiling hot.
Pineapple rice, topped with prawns and pork floss ($8)- Not served like its jus cooked but nice.
Chilli crab ($22)- Grandma's favorite. Nice!Steamed oat ($10)- A disappointing one.
Pad Thai ($3)- I hadnt tasted any pad thai thats as delicious as what I had in Thai so I didnt find it that fantastic.
Mango salad ($6)- Yummy. Mum loves this. Definitely a bigger portion from Thai Express.

Chendol ($2/bowl)- It comes with a generous portion of green jelly (tube-like and cube-like), red rudy and other jelly-like cubes. Sold jus outside the resturant.

Overall, everyone is happy with what we had for dinner, though it would be nice to have the food served warmer.

Took a walk at the Thai Supermarket on Level 2, and found it less authetic. I couldnt find the food stuff that I bought during my Bangkok trip. Instead, there are 3, 4 shelves dedicated to Korean products, from candy to potato chips. Interesting.

I need my sleep!

Didnt sleep well last night. When I wanted to take a nap, I had difficulties falling asleep. Reckoned it was too warm so I switched on the air-cond. When I jus fell asleep, my mobile had to ring at this time! Plus, it wasnt a short conversation. It was best friend who jus bought 7 to 8 designs of poker dots cloth materials to bring to the tailor for shirt making. Thanks for the temptation. It drove away all my desire to sleep and incited my deisre to shop/ tailor!

You see, I know myself, if I embarked on my buy-cloth-tailor-clothing habits, I wouldnt stop. Neither would my shopping stop. And so where would my money be heading to?

Notice

The taggy doesnt seem to be working, so I got it remove temporary.

Sandae with green tea sauce and Japan-imported sweet potato

Fried mochi with red bean paste

Us. Realised its always WL who helped us find some passerby to take photos for the tourist-like us. *smucks* But definitely a great way to track our growing up (read: old).

Because of the pressures I faced, directly or indirectly, I have a generally pessimistic outlook of the life that I am leading. This is especially so ever since I left school.

To me, happness is not jus a luxury branded item to be affordable, it is also one that is controlled by the legal quotas. Control and concern are easily distinguishable textbook concepts but they were things that I no longer can be sure is best for me. It took me very long to adapt to the role responsibilities that I should take up but I am once again left behind. I totally wanted to escape every such things in life that I indulge in meaningless shopping and tv. I often feel like a 15 year old child trapped in a body that isnt mine. I am so pressurized to catch up with the pace that was supposedly undertaken by me.

Is being the most ideal-me more important or giving me freedom to find myself and therebyb happiness more appropriate? I never could become the ideal and so I didnt even want to try. I thought that it could no longer make me cry but it did, and this breaks my heart.

Well you see, concern is like the raincoat that a bird will wear while control is the string that holds a bird to the cage.

I lost my wings and my desire to fly, because of the pressures you gave me.

Maybe I need a phonebook-thick textbook to teach me how to be an ideal. Because self learning pace is never sufficient.
I wish I could give you more happy entries and exhibit hopes for my life.

Pictures unable to load, argh.

Once again its our monthly gathering. Met SH, WL and SQ at Marina Square last night. After looking around at menus, we finally settled at MOF, a two-month old Japanese resturant tucked at a corner of Centerstage of MS. While the pictures used for the promotional displays were bright and sharp, the pictures used for their menus didnt make the food look attractive. Decoration of the resturant seemed to be minimial but sufficiently comfortable. Because we couldnt figure out what does the Set meal consists of, we had to ask the waitress over. Took us a while to decide and a longer while to get a waitress over to place our orders. I had spicy Miso ramen, which came with prinkles and tofu. It was alright since it tasted like most of the ramen that I had in Singapore. Still think that the one I had in HK (Near Kimberly) would have the charm to make me want to go back anytime. The girls had ramen and stone rice. The stone rices are quite alright too. We ordered sandae with green tea sauce and Japan-imported sweet potato, as well as fried mochi with red bean paste for desserts. The former was quite nice, while the later was quite different though the mochi is quite sticky and the red bean paste too sweet.
The night was largely dominated by the topic- what we want to do in the future, what transferable skills do we have and what next job. Which we eventually concluded is something that we think on a regular basis. Talked about whom we have recently bumped into (including people whom we wished we hadnt see), and updates of other buz-ad people. We also concluded that thinking too much about all the above topics made us depressed and that we shall try our best to skip this topic for gathering next month. Couldnt quite figure out why though we do talk about such topics among our other friends, it dont usually dominate the whole conversation. For instance, topics that I shared with other friends largely revolved around- shopping (including new shopping mall), sales, discounts, new fashion trends, holidays and food (in that order). Then we even stood at the train station and talked for almost an hour. This time round, we were talking about the daily emails that we exchanged. In those emails, WL specialized in the food, movie and weekend columns while I largely man the shopping and entertainment columns. We brainstormed for other columns for SQ and looked forward to SH joining us with her contributions *smucks*

Now, I am thinking of the ribbon-bow that we saw but the price tag of $10 makes it too extravagent for a will-become-useless-after-the-trend purchase. The silly me is thinking of how to get hold of it/ a similar one at less than $10. Search, make or buy? Haha.

My weird sleeping habits...

- I need to hug a cushion to sleep
- Besides my pillow, I have a cushion on my left hand side because I tend to sleep on my left quite a bit too
- I need a blanket to cover me up to the neck, even if I dont switch on the air-cond
- I prefer to close the door and windows
- I have a little soft toy dog-in-its-kennel by the top right hand of my pillow but I never quite touch it
- I have to change the side of the pillow that I am sleeping on every time I go to bed

Thought of this design the night before and drew it down on paper. Had a bit of experimenting to do if I am making this. *smucks* Exciting.

Was feeling restless after the afternoon meeting was canceled. Felt more sad when I called and no one picks up the phone. This is one of the things that indeed makes me sad. I must be a weird person.

Anyway when I was waiting for 6pm, I was asked if I wanted to go VC. Haha. Because mum cooked dinner already so I went home for dinner before taking the train to VC again. Was totally rush but because its been some time since I have met best friend, plus its VC so I agreed. Was looking forward to it, but maybe any form of anticipation jus builds up disappointment. I left VC not any happier. Maybe it was because what happened, and what was said, or what would be expected in the future, that is why. We saw buz ad people but it was as if we couldnt be seen. We saw colleagues but it was once again as if we couldnt be seen. Best friend had to sort of explain some whereabouts that didnt make things better. Then when parting, best friend had to say "I will call you when I am free". It jus made things look weird, though I can say that I am so immune and used to all these while best friend could easily say I was all but overly sensitive. Not jus because of all these, I know somehow it couldnt go anywhere. Its more of habitual-compulsive reliance, a term/ disease that I invented. It is something like the article that talks about compulsive shopaholic. You sometimes feel that you have to spend money; buying something might make you happy; sometimes you dont know why you buy what you bought; and you could end up with a string of problems like depression and debts.

Habitual-compulsive reliance, (or HCR) is a type of disease that makes you attract to something/ someone at a force similar to gravity pull. It makes you happy at times without knowing why, but it happens at times only. Other times, it makes you restless and lost.

Come to think of it, there are times when I feel that I jus have to spend money, and definitely times when I dont know why I buy what I bought.

Still it was so funny when a saleman asked best friend where he bought the pants he was wearing. Jus like how the security guard at my office tower told me that he noticed I have many pairs of shoes and the golden pair is nice. Superly embarassing (but we love it dont we)!

And I am still looking for a pair of baby pink pants though I jus couldnt wear anything like Prince Shin because I am not a guy. Haha. I saw a pair and went back to try it twice but still didnt quite like the cutting and material. Plus, I should stop buying anything that has dots or circles on it. I have two poker dots dresses, two poker dot tops, one tube full of circles, and another top full of circles of different sizes. Er though I wouldnt mind a poker dot shirt. *smucks*

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I will want the saturday timeslot next time. Its so unfair and I dont like it.

p/s- tried to upload a photo but failed. Argh.

Image taken from Hallmark.

Without referring to any designs, I made a christmas card last year such that the christmas tree is made up of christmas greetings. But this one that I found at Hallmark is definitely nicer. I am so tempted to make one exactly like it though it wouldnt be that sincere already. Argh, why let me stumble upon this.

I couldnt always understand why eating alone is a "poor thing" affair. To me, it was in fact a good break from the office environment such that I can do what I want to do, go wherever I like and talk to whoever on the phone. Yes, though sometimes I would feel lonely, I will find activities for myself. For instance, today I had lunch at SC, saw the bus going to the train station. So I took it, walked around RC then from there walked back to SC. Its good since I hadnt been getting much exercises due to the haze. It irritates me when people get overly concerned and commented in such a tone, "so poor thing ar, eating alone?".

Eating with dear-me isnt a "poor thing" affair, thank you.

The 'controversy' top.


Sometimes I wished that some projects are left for us to try/do than outsource.

Anyway its jus weird. Maybe you are jus too busy to say but if you dont say, I really wouldnt know. I guess I could only play my part in whatever ways I can. Jus tired over such things that I guess it becomes an automatic feeling already. But I am starting to get used to being away from you and to find support within myself.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I didnt say not because you are not my best friend, but because you are my best friend.

Jus came back from some company functions. Would be able to report to work slightly later for tomorrow so thats a good thing.

But ya, definitely been thinking very (desperately) hard over what I want in life. Of course such an expression tells you that I still hadnt found any answer. Still I thought of something to do that might keep me occupied till December comes. But life is such a long term issue that I really dont know what to do with it.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
What to do with it.

I guess I was too tired after exploring VC, that I slept for almost 5 hours. Hehe.

Anyway maybe I am sick and weak and tired of all the throwing-of-temper-to-show-that-I-am-not-under-your-control, that I jus said "Ya saw you but you never say Hi ma". Such a w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r tone.

And she didnt know what I was upset about. Disappointing but within expectations.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Irritating.

I must have lived among the clouds. Or that I am living in HK's The Peak. But still, the haze didnt stop me from exploring the new VC. You cant blame me, since we are talking about a shopping mall. Plus, its been quite some time since we have a new shopping mall (probably MS).

When I reached Level 1 of VC, a familiar feeling embraced me. It was as if I was back in Bangkok's Siam Paragon- spacious, white and bright. While not all the shops are open yet, I spent almost 4 hours exploring and shopping, spending quite a bit of time in P&B. Definitely anticipative of the opening of the other foreign brands as well as cafes and resturants. Explored the outdoor areas as well. The design is similar to the old World Trade Centre, Sentosa's outdoor stretch or the viewing area in HK's The Peak. Still, I like the outdoor area quite a bit.

Knew that we would be breathing in the same air and I resisted from seeking your opinion. When the distance was reduced to almost the minimum, I decided to observe how I was supposed to behave. I dont believe the 6 occasions of even reduced distance is unobvious to the observant sight. I guess, for whatever reasons, it was choosen to maintain that level of disassociation and so I didnt attempt to change it. Not that it upset me quite a bit. Jus that it probably threw me off balance. I thought Fate would have been needed to let the paths crossed but I guess Fate related that such a delicate balance was to be hold onto. Probably thankful that it wasnt that much of a confronting approach. We all learn to pretend though.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
It wasnt a pair of shorts.

She didnt understand me, so even though her words were good intention, I wish I could forget them. Shucks, its already dampened my weekend mood. Dislike this!

Was watching TV and some of the conversations dawned on me.

"There is only one person in his life. If I am happy, he is happy. If I am upset, he is upset. I am like a plant growing in him. If I would to uproot myself now, it seemed as if I am destroying his life."

"I rather hurt you badly now than to leave you with all the bad bruises in the future."

"You wouldnt feel that you have lost her if you never thought of possessing her."

I asked, how can you leave such a huge impact in someone's life that you could leave without destroying your own? I guess I am definitely more for the guy's side. And whichever way was choosen, you have only choosen to hurt.

Still, it seemed somehow so true that no lost will be felt if no ownership was regarded. But sometimes it really isnt possession but attachment. It is the attachment that makes one feel that they have lost the other person.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You see.

I rather think that the reason you are back is because you think I will cry.

Anyway, I hadnt been drinking much coke recently. Wanted to get used to drinking some herbal tea whenever I am suffering from a bad throat. So when I drank coke this morning (yes, bad throat a-g-a-i-n), I thought it tasted a bit too sweet. Then again, it could be because it wasnt that chilled. I love chilled coke. But it jus made me wonder if it is because I hadnt been drinking it for quite some time. You see, human, while emotional, are also habitual creatures.

I rather believe that it is a habit that I cant quit.

Looking at how things are, I really think that it is going to be so.

Before I went to bed at 9pm last night, I wanted to blog. Thinking that I would wake up after a nap and then stay awake till over mid-night. Eventually I slept till now (going back to bed after this entry). Work is starting to get a bit buiser. I like it, but I also like it not to be jus buiser, but also to be more meaningful. Maybe because there are other things to get me occupied that I dont find your absense as unbearable as otherwise. Still, I can feel the difference.

Anyway, one of the operators send us mooncakes- their own mooncake. They had their own mould, with their chinese logo on it, and their boxes are in nicely gold and black coloor.

Lunch time hadnt been so fun anymore, and thats what is so difficult to cope with at times. Anyway best friend and I have plans to use our bonous (++) to bring our parents for a holiday some time next year. Then we both have plans to go on another holiday, with our friends. Is that too extravegent? But anyway, "holiday" is probably the second most frequent topic that best friend and I talk about. Was talking about going to Malaysia on Saturday, but dont think its working out. I probably should find something to do else I will jus be lazing around at home.

I had been bringing the work laptop home and totally enjoying surfing on my bed. Haha.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
A plan, is a plan, not a progress nor a promise. But I learnt well, how not to expect.

How many ways have you come into my life.

What are the plans that I am included.

When will them be dropped.

I wish I was there. I wish I was called. All these despite living the freedom I had. I still wish I was there. For a right to be there, I can only try.

Maybe my yearning becomes weaker, but I never stop wishing.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Maybe my yearning becomes weaker, but I never stop wishing.

Maybe its the haze, but I was so tired that I took a nap and gladly woke up at almost 10pm. Either I can go back to sleep now, or I can hang around till my usual sleeping hours.

Had been surfing websites to visiting Korea. In the past, mainly due to Japanese dramas (I supposed) and Japan Hour, Japan is perceived to be a very fashionable place to visit. I reckoned no one I know didnt want to go there, especially those who love the food. Korea, on the other hand, has been seen as a second alternative and "if we somehow pay a bit more, we can go Japan". Yet with the gaining popularity of Korean dramas, our curiosity for this country increase. We talked as if we would be going Korea together, and I hope so too. Very tempted to visit Korea without a tour, though I hadnt quite heard of anyone going Korea on free-and-easy. Lets see then.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
We talked as if we would be going Korea together.

Jus finished watching the drama. Took me almost a week, the late nights, lunch breaks and weekends. Maybe because best friend and I are watching it together, so there is someone to discuss and talk about with- the story line (ok we rarely talk about that), the fashion, the fashion and the fashion! Makes me want to visit Korea even more, but listening to the songs help. It might be a fad, but we had fun *smucks*

But as usual, the fairytale-like story plot gives that little glimpse of hope to an otherwise dull life, not forgetting the new fashion aspirations!

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Prince Shin. Prince. Princes. Princess. Princing. Princed. Prince-ly. Prince-ful. Haha.