Suddenly everything seems better, except the pain and fever of course.

From the childish me (or I was told) who hadnt decide whether to go to the dentist, to extract the growing wisdom tooth thats causing so much pain.

Hope you are still enjoying your birthday celebration *smucks*

After waking up in the middle of the night to finish the remaining chapter, I still slightly feverish and tired. Maybe on top of the drama, I ran too much on Thursday. But at least I am trying for the run in May.

Guess wasnt in a clear state of emotional state. Which I dont like it as it sees me being too reliant on others and erratic. Mistake made is mistake made, jus hope there is still a chance or am I mistaken?

The thought of going on a holiday seems more tiring than ever, but everyone is so nice to me that they are letting me choose what I want! Ok now I am going to work on the accounting questions.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I hope you didnt cause my mistake.

Sick and stubborn best describe me now, I reckoned. Its fever again.

But finally the week has ended because I cant quite cope already. All I am going to do over the weekends is rest (read: hide) at home. I need to recollect what has happened in the week (read: drama after drama), reflect on what I want and prepare myself for whats coming. Which are overwhelming enough, on top of studies that I need to pay attention to. Though I will say, I am determined to be once again back on the track for more serious work. Less fun, no mess and more forward-ness. I must get what-I-am-aiming-for in the coming year.

I hope I realise what I want by tomorrow. I supposed its not so much of not knowing what I want. Someone told me before "Subconsciously you always will know what you want. Its jus about how much courage you have to make that decision". And sometimes your good friends know that too. ButI remained indecisive.

Somehow things that I wondered quite a bit in the past but came to terms with are painting a picture all in front of me all over again. Either I didnt have enough faith all in all, or I jus had to learn through the hard ways. Having said that I truly hope I learnt and stick to them.

Thanks to my friends who always try to make time for me for whatever drama I am facing in life.

Someone told me something along this line that "You dont control friendship. Its like the river flows, somehow some turn out well into the sea, while others evaporate".

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Will it flow.

Life Lessons...

1. You dont get everything you want jus because you want them.

2. You never know why, sometimes.

3. Other times, you jus dont know.

4. Not having a choice is a choice that others have decided for you.

5. Some people say the beauty of life is not knowing whats ahead. I will say the worse of life is not having anything ahead and not knowing it.

6. If no one can understand but me, how do I know I really understand.

Weird. Everything in my life seems to going in unexpected directions. But I will not reveal anything here, as like what happened in the last few days, fearing that more unexpected will be waiting for me.

But yes I dont like the feeling of losing control.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Sometimes I jus dont know my friends.

Everything said become something better, I (we) hope.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Tough but thank you.

Until I can, I will be absent from everyone's sight.

I didnt need to make a bet to win, because I am right. And not on hindsight, that is. I told WL that it got to be Monday. I didnt need to make a bet to win, because I didnt want to win.

I hid away because I dont know how to face you. But I know even if I am at some remote corners of Earth, if you want to, you know the way to get me. So when you couldnt find me online, somehow this is when the mobile phone is working.

I picked up. Whether I would have done the same if given a choice all over again is no longer important. Somehow its something I have to face eventually.

Today there is another reason. Maybe deep down I dont know if to believe and trust you. I supposed I did but I asked myself if it was important. The crux is rather, for whatever reasons, things have evolved in this manner and the cycle never ends such that it always works only in one direction, things were decided by only one force. And I no longer want all this.

In my last entry, I talked about how I must have changed, but Zen said change isnt a bad thing. I supposed I understand this, jus that I needed to gather so much courage to do all these. I dont want to cry.

And, before I could finish sorting through this in the middle of work, I didnt imagine I would be meeting you in such a manner. I cant even imagine I was hearing what I heard.

Did you change.
But it should be me
When you left,
I left as well.

I dont know how to face you. I guess I didnt put in much thought as to how I want to deal with this because I feel that you have placed me in a difficult position, so much so that I want to avoid all these.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
So I am hiding away.

Somehow either you will leave when you dont need me, or you will manage your way.

I am not sure. Maybe the void that you left behind is no longer a void that only you can fill it up. Whether if the void is no longer a void, or whether someone/something else in my life will fill that void up, I supposed I really walked far away.

Maybe, disappointment was mininal. Maybe you disappointed me too much that it no longer disappoints.

I went for a haircut, which didnt see me reacting in a big way (as of yet). Maybe I am too tired or overwhelmed from whats going on in my life now, including work, that I needed more therapy than anything. Running, eating, cutting my hair- all checked.

Anyway I hope I will be fit for work despite the persistent 3-day diarrhoea.

Weird. Not sure if my 2 sms to 2 persons were received.

I need to study.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Dont talk to me, I dont want my bet to win.

Thanks Han for this...

It makes me feel excited to see this poster sitting in my Inbox knowing that its from Korea. *smucks*

Correction. I cant believe I got my facts wrong. It was me who replied the missed call.

Going back to the books.

So many things to think about. Maybe I should jus start studying and then I will be alright. Or maybe I really should go learn skating, or jus move to Korea. Argh.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I finally got this up. But I am not sure how one can go about clicking it. *smucks*

I wanted to think that the reason that the yesterday's missed call was returned was because of me. But I dont think so, from the way my name was mentioned, the way that it might be me giving the companion instead of receiving it and the way that somehow it feels weird. Too early for anything.

And. You made me feel so tired that I jus dont want anything. Not even feeling happy over the possibility of going on a holiday.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
So tired to feel anything.

Though waiting for that h-i or h-e-l-l-o, I am suspecting, it might not work out.

It isnt that crowded as I imagined it might be. Could have been because its the first day. But I am still doing quite a bit of thinking (if I am thinking). I wanted very much to go to Lotte World so its all so sad to know its undergoing renovation and no one knows when it will be over.

Even had time for this...

The usual silly and first-timer me actually screamed and giggled while doing this. It really squeezes! A bit of pressure applied but eventually my legs really feel light, somehow as if I was walking on moon!

If I have written this entry 2 hours ago, I might have said, goodbye [someone]. Its ok now, though being ok now doesnt promise anything.

Despite after almost one day in which t-h-a-t event happened, I really didnt have the time to think through things properly. But maybe its good this way? It is a surprise that I will be busy for Friday and Saturday. So the earliest when I could have some time to think through is Sunday, but I doubt it helps.

I asked,

Am I very affected by it, but I supressed them.

Or am I not affected by it, but I think I should be.

WL told me to think through.

Zen said its a mix of both.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I knew there wouldnt be an entry today.

I want myself to be strong, to remain firm and believe that even if things arent going right for me, running back to this is not the way to go.


P/S- And, nice catching up today. Thanks for everything that you have done.

I am weird. After last night's 4 hours sleep, I headed the office for a run.

Feeling totally clean, nice and fresh from the run.

I like this...

The reward for reaching office early...

Now I couldnt find the lights to my desk, except that lamp. In the end, finally saw a colleague coming in and asked him for help *smucks*

*smucks*

This is suprisingly going to be a long entry, I think.

Despite my mind being really exhausted, my body aching due to the menstration, and the fact that everything that had happened today, I really should be sleeping. But my music is surprisingly playing fine and I supposed I dont know what I am thinking, therefore it will be a long one.

I thought I have meet up with T-h-e e-n-d and that it was merely all my own problems waiting to be resolved and to be convinced of it. The way when we parted we had to minimize any conversation and went literally one right and one left, the way our msn conversations can barely get going. wasnt it a clear end. Nothing-will-be-left kind of ending. As though nothing can be salvaged anymore, as though there is nothing to be treasured anymore. At least this is the mentality that I am preparing myself for, because once again I told myself, perhaps everything exists merely because of me. I gave them life but the fact could have been nothing is in existence already.

I kept myself very occupied and when work piled up, I am more than happy to be working over time, waking at weird hours reading reports, or staying up half the night to study another chapter. I trained for the run, I tried not to think of any past memories whenever I drop by somewhere familiar and I plan for a holiday without you. Yes I might feel totally drained and wanted very much to scream out loud but I tried not to. I reminded myself this is e-x-a-c-t-l-y what I need now.

So when the picture pop up while at work, it was all but surprised. I recall how fast my heart beats when I open to read the message. The first emotion is anger. How do you address someone-that-you-think-you-now-want-to-recognise-as-a-close-friend by "hi ms siying" like how an insurance agent would have done. Then it came a second line. My mind went blank. Now, I feel like giving back those words that I have taken in too much, that I am very busy. I picked up the phone to call WL. And before she got back to me, I supposed I was trying very hard to work. It took us a few rounds of conversation to come to a conclusion that a ? is all I can afford. Nothing to show that we a-r-e friends, nothing too personal. Perhaps to sound cold, the exact way you sounded to me those last few times.

And did I mention, how I finally and truly understood what Eason is singing, it is best to never see again. Yes, I was half in tears when I listened to him with my full attention jus this morning. Jus this morning.

Was it that all it took to destroy this peace-with-myself was jus anything from you. Did I not say that I have limited energy.

And of course what came after that brought more details and either more anger or pain and hurt. Jus a cycle of pain, acceptance and all over again. But each time jus went one step beyond the previous. Experiments will tell you that this might jus increase your tolerance for pain. I supposed so?

WL was asking me to check the updates. I know if there is, it would have been something tailor knowing that I will be reading. So everything about being good friends or best friends or how much I appreciate will come out in full blast.

And I didnt know that what I have merely said was already an indication. Now cold stranger has all turned into best of friends. One of the best tactics, or really this is all true treasures- can you decide?

So from surprise, to anger, to sadness and almost tears.

How long are you going to test me.

This,
we cant return to the past
walk to the future
when losing this present.

When the city is sleeping....

I slept and woke up at random weird hours to do work and study. And feeling totally drained.

Scream. A million years ago I realised I need a haircut and rebonding session and now I cant find a suitable date to complete this super duper zuper urgent task. Can the next 1 million people who will meet me convince me 2 million more times that my hair is (a) not fizzy, (b) not messy, (c) straight.

Slept at 9pm last night, woke up at 3am to study and reached the office at record-time 7:30am to do work. Now I feel so drained, but am happy to think that there are more work waiting for me. Though there are always pieces of work that you look forward to.

And yes so today I had my camera with me, to catch the city before it is fully awake...

The empty city hall...

When do you see this place so empty?

Yes I admit, I climbed up my table to take this shot...*smucks* Anything for a blogger.

The rather empty office...

Eason sang,
Holding your photo in that familiar street
Without you, we cannot go back to the past

Will you suddenly appear
around the corner of the coffee house
I will be at smiles, asking how are you
To sit down and talk

I will so much want to meet up with you
To see your recent changes
No longer talking about the past
Only to say, jus one sentense, how long hadnt we seen each other

No photos, nothing is going to be familiar
without you and I am not going to revisit the past

I want it to be ok since you single handly decided to leave
even if somehow our paths would to cross
I pretend nothing has happened
or no one is seen
you safely know this is what I will choose

No longer do I want to talk about the past
as I see how you continue or how you change
you wanted this

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Continue because I will be sleeping.

I slept real early. So that explains a 4am morning, 430am breakfast and a trying-to-study mood. Going to fight the witch today.

The only way that you cant turn back, is when you went too far ahead.

*smucks*

Are songwritters spies in your lives. Do they peek into your lives and dish out songs that bear your soul. Like how everyone now is singing how they are missing that someone in their lives and how they will smile when seeing them again.

How can I smile.

I've learn to envy less of others, because I know if I work hard, I can reach the same destination when starting off with something lesser. Of course I might take a longer time, but I still reach the same destination.

It hurts, maybe no longer full of pain and obvious.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I am alright out of that share.

Our long over due January gathering was finally settled at Vivo. Dinner is at Kim Gary.


The green tea and lemon drink. WL loves it.

We all love french toast, dont we. Though SQ thinks this looks like Dou Pou.

Everyone thinks this is rather funny, but I thought it is quite a nice dish. Its mixed grill in pineapple curry. It comes in two other type of curry- supreme (extremely spicy) and coconut. It has potato, pork, chicken, ham, sausage... White rice being served separately, now this is weird.

Fish fillet and mushroom rice, which is SH's and SQ's #2 favorite. I like it too but still black noodles is at the top.

WL and my favorite! I jus love black noodles. And this is really nice.

The mango sago drink. I love this.

One-bite size snack. Not bad though its fried.

Some ice and red bean drink

Nearly forgot this shot...

While waiting for the girls to arrive...

I jus love my kidish socks. *smucks*

Department lunch at Silver Shell Cafe at Rasa Sentosa. With many dishes unseen in buffet, Guo Tai, Seafood chowder, and Mee Soto, it fares alright in spread than quality. Though any buffet always seem to make us rather full.

As colourful as this.

Isnt this cool.

The last time when I was in Underwater World would have been at least 10 years ago.

And I remember having this backdrop as one of those photos taken back then. Cool.

I have an exact pair of this, but I love it so much to grab another pair when its on sale.

I hope this is not too high for me.

Its been quite some time since I did something to my blog. Thought I love it this way- bright and white. Though you know I sure love a splash of baby pink and some baby blue.

Anyway I shifted some links around jus now, thinking that it might make navigation easier. Though I dont think it matters alot since there arent too many readers and its more for personal satisfaction.

Jus 7 floors above where I work house people whom I would love to talk to, the Koreans from LG Mobile.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
So that if one big day no one could avoid no one, I want to stand tall, happy and proud that you have missed out all these.

And I know, this is what you feel too.

Went to a site visit today, supposedly like how I went to a hangar, sat in a jet plane for meeting (how I wish it flies).

As I go about completing my tasks at work, the girls' daily companionship is treasured. And today its fun as we tell each other in sms how our emails never gotten delivered on time.

I think, someone out there is trying to help me by keeping me busy.

Smile, is when you see your girlfriend online at 1:45 am; with her going to bed and with you jus waking up from some oddly-hours nap.

Is inferiority my way to play along?

I am comfortable with my pace now and so there is no need for me to pretend we are walking side by side anymore. Because even if I do pretend, one day reality will show the difference.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Perhaps you know I will never catch up so you took flight.

Holland Village is one of those places which will make a tired person even more lazy. Which is why plans to go shopping in town fails after a lazy lunch.

Was wondering if they have kimchi shampoo foam? *smucks*

Maybe some plans for the future? Hair cut and rebonding, design my shirts and bring it to the tailor, holidaying.

Was thinking about doing a swim every week. Maybe the Suntec Pool?

Each office day is a learning day for me. I made mistakes but the important thing is I must learn from my mistakes.

I like it now, more fulfilling.

And I better finish this before I get out of the house.

And so after a 9-hour sleep, I woke up to continue with office work.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Some things can never be right the second time.

Hadnt had time to study since the week started. And I wanted some tv for all these that happened today. But I came across this and I wanted to do this.

1. You allowed me to experience everything possible- happiness, adventures, sadness, hurt, confident, warmth, cold. Then you made them all impossible till there is no way I know how to face you unless you want to face me again.

2. Whenever I am down, the rational you seems to talk logics to me but somehow I feel better. I dont know why but I feel close to you, missing you at times especially when I realise you arent around then occasionally wonder if we someday would go beyond this.

3. You being who you are make me feel that life is interesting. I wish somehow we live nearer or have offices nearer to each other so that we can talk non-stop. So glad you were with me at one of my lowest.

4. You tolerate my indecisiveness most of the time and you are still with me. I miss those pies days and now we still have our unique ways in communicating to each other. I think you are so cool.

5. We are quite similar in some ways, arent we. Well I hope we do find that something we want in life to smile every single day. And continue with our way of communication.

6. I like the way when you always tease me. And touched when you said you learn what a daughter will feel towards her parents because you are now your childen' parents. From those days when you read my stories, I cant imagine till now when you gave me my Graduation present. How can I forget you got down to finding me jus a phone call later.

7. You have left us years ago but I still miss you. I know you really love me and I wish I have more years of your love. Because you really love me and I really love you too.

8. We hadnt been in contact since we left primary school. But occasionally I still think of you, wondering how are you doing now, wishing that one day we will bump into each other somewhere.

9. I used to miss you a lot more but I supposed you are glad that the crybaby is gone? I love it when you ask me to drink less coke, I love it when you will listen to me over the phone, I love it when you are so knowledgable and charming. I will love it more if you tell me the truth. I am prepared for it.

10. Ok give up, I can only think of 9 friends. *smucks*

Unknowingly, I dialed a number to look for my aunt and it was actually your home number that I pressed.

The usual me would have send a text message over. But today I actually called, and I actually called your home number. It was till I put down the phone did I realise it was your sister who told me the-wrong-number message.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Those numbers that I must have called a million times, this is one time that I didnt. But my mind still remember it.

Am I affected?

What hadnt left is whats left. Nothing.

Because I can only do this far, and I dont want to see something that I put in great efforts and sincerity to build up over the years to be thrown away like that, knowing I dont have the courage, can you do one last thing for me. One last best thing for me.

Because even as I say this, I secretly wish you wouldnt do that, and that everything somehow will go back to being normal someday soon, so the one last best thing is, please disappear, totally.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Nothing is left so leave.

And I think I need to draw up a timetable to train for the 5.6km marathon? Zen was telling me that, which makes me want to find out why I failed to register after 3 tries. Going to bed finally.

If you are interested,
Victor's Kitchen. HP: 9838 2851. 91 Bencoolen Street Sunshine Plaza #01-21 Singapore 189652



Where the tables are all outside the small shop as the kitchen took up every inch.

Chinese tea, which gave us a shock when it came in such a manner.

Milky custard bun. Thumbs up.

The nice shrimp scallop carrot cake.

Doughstick wrapped in cheng chong fun. Alright.

And so happily as if I skip town, I packed the present together with my bag and left the office, leaving behind a pile of work to be completed. Fancy bumping into the bosses at the lobby.

It was heavy rain when I was heading towards the train station. Still didnt dampen this heart of mine to try out Victor's Kitchen.

When I first learnt of this place, I knew I wanted to try it. Mainly because one of the nicest Wanton noodles store is also located at Sunshine Plaza, a place not too crowded for my liking. Plus the fact that the dim sum were made by a HK-born chief. And how much I love HK.

So when our montly gathering had to be postphone, my spirits kinda dampened. I've shut myself at home ever-since-dont-know-when, rather like a nun in the temple. And after registering for the Dec 07 exam, I gave myself more excuses to be home. And so skipping a night of fun, laughters and joy with the girls would be disappointing.

And so we arranged to meet, a dinner that I somehow was already thinking of arranging if not for today, and if not for the birthday present. Even happier when you mentioned Victor's Kitchen.

So based on that some little memory of knowing the way to Sunshine Plaza from the train station, we talked and walked the way. Ordered food that we both read from food blogs. We love the milky custard buns and you totally were disappointed to know there were none left for take-away. Though not totally a cosy place for hanging out, like what you said, it made us feel as though we are in HK. And we packed the nice shrimp and scallop carrot cake home. Before we left, the HK chief asked how we knew of this place and told us we could make reservations in the future. Proceeded for a plate of my favourite Wanton noodles.

With the Wanton noodles tasting as nice as I remembered it to be.

So you imagine I finished everything, in your opinion, equivalent to 5 times my normal lunch. (By the way, I came home and finished 1/5 of the carrot cake and a medium-size steamed fish)
And we chatted, from holidaying, colleagues, earthquake (current msn nick reads: i feel dizzy the moment you mention earthquake...), to birthday, to someone. Lovely girl's night out *smucks*

Took the bus home listening to sadder love songs.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

We are not fated, our knowing was jus an accident.