Gold rush.

Actually why do I need to say. Halfway into typing the message, I deleted it away.

I am starting to feel nervous already. Very nervous in fact. As though my hands will tremble all the time and my heart beats so fast until I cant breathe properly and my body temperature rises. Argh.

My (sudden) liking for him

Day 5: Friday('s) missing

Definitely dont feel like the weekend is around the corner. It seems as though I never had a proper break for a long time. Yet irresponsible to be on leave any longer. Suddenly I actually look forward to working hard at work, to finish the projects on hand. Yet again not to the extent that cant-do-without-me.

The last song that was shared was recently are you ok. Recently are you ok.

I missed the cold winds, the icy water, the warm-ups, the swim, the sunshine.

Stop short of anything else that I miss.

Tomorrow?

The player is playing that ringtone song.

Have I decided that I think I should set aside an undisclosed (actually its undecided) sum of money for December's spending. Something to reward myself.

500?

WL said she will try to buy instant noodles from Japan for me. The thought is so sweet and put a smile back on my face. Thanks gal, but more important it is for you to enjoy your holiday. Will be happy to see your Japan photos!

Some things I dread about my body (amongst all other dreads) are getting a sore throat, getting a fever, catching a cold or getting a flu. Seems more vulnerable to colds these days due to my pervasive lifestyle of coke and (cold) swim. The pool never gets much sunshine and I love him too much to quit.

I only drink coke from a can. Haha.

Day 4: Resistance

Definitely resistance from the way I laze in bed and kept adjusting the alarm hours, and by 8am in the morning I have still not started work.

A part of me is missing you but I am resisting that too.

Hope to hear something cheerful from me later.

According to Pier, who tried to convince me for the last 1 hour, I was over-sensitive and I over-reacted.

Pier is the guy in this re-run on Channel 8. Haha. Which makes me set my alarm for next Wednesday's re-run. I think Pier eventually was happily married.

Anyway I tried very hard to concentrate. Maybe I need a run, that is if I am not too lazy tomorrow morning.

What airport-to-airport. What abalone filling. More of give up give up.

Jus how many times do I need to check my emails. I mean there is normally no important mails other than the Mango Online that really makes me want to buy something from them each time I click on it, or the Facebook notification about who has written something on my wall or who has changed the details of how we came to know each other, or who has poked me, or who has found me, or some other random Ryanair fly-by-tonight-to-some-parts-of-Europe emails. But I jus have this urge/need/desire/(natural) tendency to log in for at least the 20th times today. Not as if the mails will disappear if I dont read them within an hour. Or maybe it was more of my fingers that jus need the key pad. Technology-addict.

But Pier was right. I was over-sensitive and I over-reacted. Like fads and bubbles in the stock market. Which happens in many, many more cases rather than jus this alone. I thought I was only stubborn. But I guess Elyn was right. What I lack is what I am searching for- security. By the way, Elyn is Haze's best friend/room mate/boss and Haze is at-the-moment Pier's if-I-have-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-someone-it-has-to-be-you. Haha.

But since I give up, or also since I was given up, it didnt matter. Jus that I need to work on this within myself.

I do know the laptop is more mobile than a desktop but this is really one of the rare times in which I move the laptop from the studying desk to my lap while I sit on my bed. Hope its a good (cold) night to sleep. I need more hard work tomorrow.

Jus as I thought of giving up, I guess I was given up too.

Thanks Dad for not saying anything.

I seldom talk about irritating people. But because the text message was replied to my phone and I was irritated. These/some people are super duper funny. They jus dont know the situtation. Irritating.

When you are missed, you see your colleagues' non-work corresponding emails referring to siying or sy. Haha.

When you arent missed, your phone is quiet.

Great. I read through the meeting materials for yesterday and am super duper lost. How. And a few random issues outstanding. Not important until the extent of cant-do-without-you but jus the sense that I want to know what I am missing.

Confused.

Day 3: The year of giving up and given up, the home-ful thought

Two days in a row of rainy mornings and today its a sunny day. I am back to listening to him sing wherever I go, you always follow, really my 2001th time listening to the song. So beautiful yet so sad. It keeps playing on the player as though it was my second time listening to it.

This year seems like a year of giving up. In fact I have gave up on quite some things months ago and another one is on the list. Dont be mistaken that I am someone without determination. For matters concerning myself, I always bear in mind that I am the last person to give up on myself, and truly believe that while hard work might not get you to where you want to, without hard work you get nowhere. But for things that involve others, either when you grow older and realise that fighting (or even to the extent of working hard) for things that you want tires you out and you want nothing of such tiredness, or that you realise maybe you really dont need/want it so much. The cant-be-bothered attitude. And so I did mention that I will try, but only till December. Well, its jus few days to December, last countdown days to December 2 in fact.

Its time to start preparing to give up. I deleted all text messages. I deleted the contact detail. I deleted the unsaved number in the Write new, even though I clearly think I can still remember the number without even trying hard. Saved the number in the Drafts email, I really didnt want to give up but have to.

Will make things easier for me if you stop whatever you are doing. Not that it meant anything to you maybe, but I guess it will make things easier for me. Today's Wednesday and I hope you forget.

Maybe I jus have this inability to understand that I am wrong.

When can I sleep? One more paper to go through but the messages are not helping.

This trailer triggered me to listen to this song now. I listened to it when it first came out, but didnt have any rememberings that I really like the song.

Jus like that twenty years have passed
That memorable year
Some wishes that you hope to fulfill before your life ends
Pray for me
that one day I can cross that horizon
Pray for me
that one day we will be able to meet in some occasion
Pray for me
that one day I still will recognise her
Pray for me
that she will not be more upset than me
I hope she is happier for me

I feel like crying when I pressed Send. Tell me I am your reason.

I am trying not to be childish. And I know I am not childish, at least for today (and today's decision). I jus wanted to let things cool, whatever let-nature-takes-its-course theory that JL used to tell me back in college, or whatever I was trying to prove- I am jus tired.

You so strange.

I am not strange, jus dumb.

Day 2: Being a stay home baby

Without the need to put on make-up, without the need to travel, without the need to change into working clothing, without the need to battle with the low office temperature. Jus that by 12 noon I feel like its technically lunch time and by 6pm I feel like crawling to bed. Haha. Alright my cereal lunch is proving to be too small a portion. Then I had more cereal and instant nodles, draw the curtains because the sun is shining in, reply to this never-seem-to-end-filling-and-amending-of-form-for-claims (I am super duper bad and lazy in doing claims and so months since I am back, I am still amending them) and shower. Then its back to marking the mock paper.

Actually I feel like going for a run again. I feel like snapping my hair off but hair-affairs is another thing that I am really not decisive enough at.

I keep waiting for 6pm so that we will be off work. Haha.

And smiled at Buddy's sms. Haha.

The Tibet photo in the papers today.

I sleep and wake up at weird hours. By 930pm I was too tired (or lazy) to do anything. Went to bed but was prepared to reply to the text messages, which eventually didnt come. Maybe it was the Go go that really went away. Haha. Albeit I admit I was being childish again but still, it was irritating/ upsetting to hear that at times.

Maybe it was because it was the last Mock paper thats causing me all the anxiety such that I wasnt sleeping well. Kept waking up thinking its time to wake up.

Someone is going to be t-h-e-r-e and I am wondering if it will be like the airport-to-airport times.

Can we walk in the same pace. Can we be thinking about the same thing.

I went for my run. Ever since I started working, running has been more of a gym-affair than the jogging track that I ran on since college days through the uni and crying-honors years. I guess maybe I know it will always be there for me, so I didnt really miss it. In fact ever since I started swimming on a regular basis, I am able to sustain and cover twice as much as I used to. Or maybe it was also because I pace myself more now. So today I finished my 3.8km, without my regular half-time break in fact. I love it when I sweat X 1 million. It could have been better if we are not having the December winter-like weather. You dont sweat when you swim. Haha. But my right knee cap and right ankle, followed by left ankle are all acting up, totally dislike that!

Listening to this super duper commercial song but more of because the first episode of the drama that I managed to catch yesterday that had the song playing quite a bit. Not bad.

Then did I realise that while the music kept me company, the other runners inspire and motivate me to always be better than what I can achieve now (which you dont quite get in the gym), you were who I am thinking of. All along I told myself not to be hopefully. But I still reach out to my phone. I smiled. But I know I need more reasons to smile than You so strange.

You know, in fact the song that I am listening to, the first person that came to my mind was not you. Couldnt be. It was the (ex?) best friend.

If I write in it my heart, can you receive it...

I asked myself if I am used to it already...

How are you recently...

Are you struggling with your thoughts...

Still remember?...

If really you have to, forget me and move towards happiness...

I told myself not to look back, not to go back, not to weep.

Albeit the white-washed quality photos, I love my w200i.

How much time per day you spend on your blog.

At least half an hour.

Understated of half an hour I mean. Haha.

I jus wanted to record down my emotions, my thoughts and sometimes the things I do (if there isnt much emotions or thoughts to talk about) because I always have this fear that one day if I look back I wouldnt be able to remember what I've been through, and be totally lost. I also wanted to leave behind footprints of my existence, in my own very way.

In Mr's, rain heavily now so that it will stop later.

Rain heavily now so that I can go jogging later.

Day 1: The interesting stay-home life

Going through and figuring out the sums, closing the windows because the skies are starting to turn grey and winds are strong, trying to get access to my office mail but was told that my account was probably locked out, got a call to send some stuff over, trying to decide whether to log onto MSN, trying to control my hands and stay away from surfing the net, trying not to log into Facebook (haha), trying not to check for new songs every now and then, deciding on a whole long list of songs to listen to but in the end jus keep clicking on song 1 and listen to it repeatingly, trying not to blog every other hour, trying not to keep taking photos and blog.

Then you see every other thing is quite related to The Office. The supposedly new lifestyle.

Replied to Mr. But never mind, this is really not counted.

Goal: To stay healthy all through (so that can go swimming and go jogging anytime haha)

And how my phone wants to go missing for these two days so that maybe your phone will remember to text me on Wednesday.

I admit that something on Wednesday doesnt mean positive, but nothing will mean negative. And negative will totally attribute to the pink star.

The risk-and-return game that distorts my heart. Argh.

The article brings about a sense of acknowledgement and smile. It talks about how wonderful technology is, in particularly SMS. How friends conclude there is something extraordinary when the guy friend admitted to sending 2 to 3 text messages to a girl daily because the author concluded that if there is nothing romantic between them, there wouldnt be enough content for the 2 to 3 text messages. And some of those sms were of no useful content but merely to remind the other party to take a minute off and remember you.

My take. It was jus recent happenings such that I actually truly understand and able to smile and nod along while reading the article. About how useless some sms can be, So uncle are you asleep?; Haha jus bored; Mr, I feel like vomitting after doing 5 hours of my mock paper and so many more that have to be deleted from the phone in anticipation of more to come. Useless, yet it makes you jump when your phone vibrates, it makes you restless when your phone doesnt vibrate, it makes you smile like a fool when you press Yes to read new message and it makes you crack your brain to try to be on par or more funny in your reply. Which along the way I see clues on how each sms has something to share yet something that requires you to answer. And how long and complicated content are out. Jus simple 1 or 2 things you really want to say in each text message. Short, short and very short sentenses are good. Otherwise its jus Confused, Blur dont know what you were talking about, all your confusing text messages, which will see how you try to spend the next few messages correcting and explaining what you said and take up time of the night to say other things you want to share. And how you wonder if the other phone was in Moon because it shouldnt take very long to read and reply one message right. Which the record was around 60 odd text messages from my phone along the journey of one airport to another airport when the other phone went for overseas studies, or 11 text messages on a regular night before either phone goes to bed. Which in fact now I can go to bed but reply to text messages and get back to my sleep again. How the messages seem to bring you through the japanese dinner to the book reading time, to the flight, down to catching the bus and reaching the school, then to attending lessons and night time drinking and back home. How my phone thought of what messages to write and when reaching out to it saw a pending new message already. Such that every day of the week makes my phone look forward to Wednesday, the Wednesday's routine. How the two phones went through some countless nights, how the two phones iron things out about whose's having a bad attitude in the day, how the phones discuss whose turn to treat who and what.

But not forgetting the equation of when-you-make-it-regular-you-gets-disappointed-when-its-not-a-regular-day-today. Or when the reply didnt come as what you thought it would be, or that it jus seem to close the conversation for the day.

Time to change your phone.

Dont want, I love my phone!

Maybe not through an end but still efforts had and are still being put in. Lets jus say that my phone is waiting for Wednesday.

I wonder if you are reading this article too.

What can make me more excited than finding a new list of new songs to listen to! But some of the songs that my supposedly favorite singers dish out were rather disappointing. Sometimes I dont like to be overwhelmed by so many new songs all at one time. Because I would be too impatient in wanting to listen to all of them and mark out the songs that I like rather than enjoy the process of appreciating each new song. Patience, girl. But still it did make me excited. Plus the fact that I am sending out flowers and eggs like crazy because there are now a new range of holiday flowers and holidays eggs. On Facebook. Haha. Wasting time online is one of the things I do all the time.

What can make me alright and not alright- with the Well Done message.

How when you know new people and they influence the songs you listen to because they listen to and want songs that you dont normally listen to. Or maybe I am jus volatile, versatile and love variety.

Mum and Dad talked to me seriously today about going forward. They think I really should take up courses on designing (in general) or fashion designing rather than mug over ratios like dividend yields, earnings yield and yield to maturity. Maybe also because they dont think I am pretty much happy (or will be happy) fretting over all these mathematics than rumbling through the threads and glues and colour papers and pencils and sketches and you-know-jus-all-the-art-I-do. Mr asked me when I am working on sy-sy too. I will think about this. I was meaning to think about it in December. Jus that I wonder where all these thinking will bring me to. Now that I recall, even my boss asked if I consider venturing more into my interest or not. Oh!

When I get irritated (of waiting), I switched off the phone. But I am already trying my best to be less childish and sensitive by affording the reply of Okok, enjoy dating.

I guess my total problems are the inability to fall in love in the right person (even though I truly dont believe in having the right person but more of believing that it works when we both work hard) and total inability to understand someone's else actions and behaviours. I am trying very hard but I really dont understand. Maybe I fail in the rules of love, game of love and the theory of love.

In Mr's words, its Sigh, OMG, give up give up.

Did part 1 of my second Mock. The paper is easier hence less vomit-inducing also. I am starting to worry how I am to cope without music for 2 hours on the actual exam. I really need some destress but found out from a friend who took it before, valuables are to be placed outside of the exam hall.

I am still believing it is jus busy and not no more text messages already. If still nothing by Wednesday night, then I am going back to square1. Cross my finger, be sincere and pray.

How can I still have hope for the world/my life. Cant believe that I am this optimistic?

I decided!

Its going to be A 2007 Postcard.

Haha.

The Shopping List, for now

1. White card
2. Bright blue card... for the rainbow tree postcard
3. Baby pink envelope
4. White paper... if instead I decide its the missing star card

5. White/ cream paper
6. Green envelope... for the snowman card

7. Baby pink card
8. Light pink card
9. Pink envelope... for the I-am-your-home card

10. Bright blue paper
11. Bright pink envelope... for the I-am-Singapore-you-are-Paris card

The I-want List

1. Sleeping
2. Swimming
3. Shopping
4. Jogging
5. Cardmarking
6. Shirt making
7. Cooking/Baking
8. Tv-ing
9. Chatting
10. Eating
11. Cycling
12. NY-ing research
13. FB-ing
14. ipod song organizing
15. Catching up with friends

I woke up feeling sick. My body is so used to waking up at the almost 6th hour that I still do that. But decided to give myself 2 more hours of sleep. Consider this:

8 hours of sleep
12 hours of study

This puts me to 4 hours of non-sleeping and non-studying activities. Discipline is important.

Already 4th but I still finished my coke. Dont care.

Feel like jogging. Ok no sushi sushi shishi.

Random photos.

Why never even write my name.

Because Mr is your nick. I gave you a nick. (I didnt say but better than someone who left the number as jus a number. One day I shall ask and (pretend?) to be upset about it).

This is what you get at 7am, Suntec Tower 3. For 2.5 weeks, this is what you miss?

Delicious chocolates that my sister got.

Nah for you.

Ok, thank you.

You send me the title I go find.

Ok.

Have you swim. Want to swim.

I cannot swim. Why you never open.

Ya I did. Thank you. You have the song, "I love you". Send to my email.

How come I feel like crying. The "I love you" is so sad.

The may is not realizing. Disappointed slightly but there is so much work keeping me occupied actually. Incremental cost, common cost, cost subsidization. Then the books will talk about NPV, PV, PVBP.

I am listening to that ringtone song. Haha. But the MV is a total disappointment. I shouldnt even have watched it. Jus like how the TV version of The Chamber is a total let down compared to the book- yes I still remember.

Quiet, peaceful, concentrating and hopefully progressing well.

You are always confused whether you are asleep or not.

Sometimes some things seem to make sense to me when they dont used to. How I can understand why jus companion is preferred but anything more seems to be too taxing, too troublesome and too risky. I mean sometimes its too much work to know someone's family and friends and try to get along with them and to risk that this is jus one cycle that might start all over again if it doesnt work out.

When December comes, I am going back to my 10 sleeping-hours-per-day-kind-of-routinue. Totally sleep deprived.

Alright, back to the papers.

I am starting to miss you. Strangely when you are jus opposite of me, I sometimes will freeze and not know what to tell you.

My 8 hours sleep for dont-know-how-many-days but I actually think I can continue to sleep for 8 more hours. Each time I slightly woke up, I replied to sms and turned back to sleep. Amazing. If it was in the past, I probably be awake for long but I guess I am overly tired.

How all of sudden make things for me? Early christmas present?

You still din tell me what thing?

Sometimes I really dont know how to define must tell and actually why need to tell.

Dont know how to reply. Now I am thinking whether I need to go back to get my laptop. Aiya even my star is there.

Suddenly my desk is bright and sunny. The sun shines! How I wish I am in the pool now.

Jus yesterday I thought I saw Sunny. The same guy back in college. Wonder if its him or not.

It was a while since I am used to If there is one thing I want to say today.

If there is one thing I want to say today

Mr

I've brought the pink star along, jus in case I will forget about it tomorrow then everything will pretty much go to waste or I had to make an extra trip.

And I cant swim. Argh.

Say hello.

I will continue with this when I am back ya.

10 July 2007 Out in the world and finally connected to the world

It must have almost 14 full days that I have not properly log onto the net, albeit those few minutes trying to get someone on a flight back from Barcelona to London arent counted.
Literally felt that while I am out in the world I was disconnected from the world.
I think I must have spend at least 1, 2 hours in front of the computer- replying emails, composing emails, chatting on msn, reading up on backdated entertainment news! Until someone implicited hinted that she needs the net did I have to give it up.

Paris Photos... very cool that I literally forget the entire one day worth of Disney photos! Ok I will do that when I am back in office in December.

Euro 1 for 4. Which is Sing 50cents per box. One of the last things I ate before I left Paris.

Still needs some drying.

My two luggage (another one not in picture), bottled of waters and packed food and extra jacket and windbreaker...

This is ultimate! I still think of this often. I love the taste. I wanted to go back to get another but in the end I didnt.

My dinner on last Paris night. And supper.

Aunt took me to get dinner and waited for me to get this shot done before she left for her Metro and I went back to my hotel. It was drizzling at that moment and I thought it made parting even more romantic and memorable. Haha.

This is the shop! Viet styled French bread. I love this! I think I can still remember where this shop is if I am back. From aunt's store to the metro and at the junction of this big resturant, turn down the lane and this shop is next to a phone card shop. Ok cool.

The smell alone is delicious enough to drool.

My obession with trains, train station, platform and signals. Haha.

Paris metro with ease. Which reminds me of their trains that arent moving. Wonder if Aunt actually go to work.

This is also where the MTV was taken. Haha.

Now the guy is awake.

I wanted to show you the seats inside Paris metro and ya this guy is sleeping.

Bye bye Paris.

Somehow I am not used to the term "Parisien", dont know why.

My first Paris meal was from Quick.

Suddenly I am happy and proud to be 24 so that I can be naturally childish, kiddish, naughty, and adventurous.

Ok I am tired. S or S- Study or sleep.

Can someone tell /convinced me Dandelion is not a species of bird. Haha. I thought it was!

When I continued onwards, you did turn right, didnt you. Were you looking. What were you looking. What were you thinking. I wanted to scream I caught that, but really what have I caught.

When you think I didnt see you. When you came over and hit me. When you sat at the table instead of the desk. When you looked over. When you talked about whether I didnt sleep last night. When you talked about vegetables. Were you jus lonely.

My sister said my eyes were very swollen.

These few days I have been bringing things from office back home and vice versa. Think there will more if I am leaving.

I could have listened to the songs at least the 1001th times (considering how many hours each day I could be listening to it) but on different days there would be different phrases that caught up on me. My ultimate favorite is Wherever I go, you followed close and today it is also many dreams were awaiting to be fulfilled.

Wherever you go, I followed close.

Used to.

My Complete Europe Photos!

Finally!