Totally dislike such unfair and discriminatory treatment.

Because there is no surprise for the no-reply, there is no disappointment. Everything's within expectation. Even the disappearance act.

As if I need to look at the calendar to know it is 31st January today.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today

Moving along a busy life, everything becomes unfamiliar in the following year.

I supposed I wanted to be Riko. Or at least I am somehow similar to Riko.

But sometimes when I think of what was said to me, I dont know if there is any meaning being the way Riko is already.

Tomorrow's wind will blow tomorrow, Riko said.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
You gave me no reasons to continue.

Drawing, like shopping and jogging, sends me away from the computer and takes my mind off everything. But drawing is more extreme, I get totally engrossed in it that I stop thinking.

At least for the past week, it had kept me more occupied than anything.

How long more can my mind be deceive in such a manner?

Can the world gets bigger.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
It jus get quieter.

I totally will miss logging in with this: si-ying

Now I recall, Katagiri Teppei's expression looks like someone.

I was preparing for the absense. Even the presence was an absense.

P/s- Had resisted switching to the New Blogger template. Even log-in to create a new blog to see whats new in the New-Blogger-template. But totally unmoved, till I realised I somehow h-a-v-e to move. Ar.

I wonder, but will never know... if

The more I let go, the less I let go.

Hitch a ride from a colleague today. The nicest, yet at the same time I almost found myself in tears. From our office, to Vivo then to NUS- all the places chocked full of memories. Someone could have already been out of office. Was wondering if it would be like what someone said, that after CNY things will resume. Totally resume.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Where.

Now I am so excited about Dubai and the pink half-sweater-half-shirt piece that I am reluctant to go to bed. I need to pick up the Prince, and look at the buying list for my craft work.

Its super duper exciting talking to someone in Dubai. I was about to go to bed when I saw Zen going online. Immediately I jumped online. 8pm over there, hearing about the hygiene, food, weather, roads, shopping malls, supermarkets, hotels, work... I want to go to Dubai too!

These few days, they invaded my mind, yet kept me occupied and chirpy. My colour pencils.

While walking to the lift lobby, I suddenly pay more attention to a new signboard. It seemed as if it was there with the original architecture that I no longer remember how I actually find it somehow out-of-place initially, and how I always know it is new.

So being like this, I sure know how weird it will to feel then. If there is a t-h-e-n.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
When is t-h-e-n.

Been working on my design for a few nights already. In front of the TV most of the time. Glad that its keeping me stay away of the computer at night as well. More work to be done still.

Its weird. I never thought of whether it had reached, till the moment before. Though I did think of the receiver.

I sat in the koi garden, telling myself this isnt mine. I looked at it all over again, once. Then again, another time. I wanted to listen aloud the Daniel-chan clip in my handphone but there were people walking by. I slipped the tip into the envelope and decided to stop thinking. Dropped the card into the post box, Tower 5. A message I wrote on 17 January 2007, during lunch time. My heart and soul, were left behind in the mail box as I walked back.

I was thinking, what were my thoughts when making a card. Why could I spend so much time designing, drawing, making and writing a card. Sometimes there are things that I really wanted jus one and only. Doing it all on my own obeys that theory. Sincerity is another reason.

When designing, I thought of factors such as the asthetic, personalization (ie how significant it is to the receiver), touched-ratings (ie how touched would the receiver be, how much a surprise would it be). My style has pretty much been visable throughout the almost 3 years 7 months. I like that material of card, I like that material of envelope. Except the When-you-cry-may-I-help-you card, every card had pretty much been vertical. No matter who "SY" is referring to, I end each envelope in my signatured SY07 (that is, if its in the year of 2007), written or sew onto. I focused all my attention on the card and the receiver when making it. When done, I tried to imagine what a smile I would receive in exchange. But many of times, by mailing my cards, your smile is not what I can witness. Yet, even if it is a second of your smile, or a card or message in return, it makes me smile. Everything is worth it, isnt it. Sometimes I wish I can keep the card with me. Though it didnt make sense as I made it with the receiver at heart. Well of course I pray that my card will reach you safely. Equally anticipating when you will say, you have received it. Though this isnt the case, at all.

Today's one serious case when I really didnt wish to mail it. It was significant to me, was by me for some time already. Yet it should be significant to you, though I wondered how many moments would you spend on it. And where, were all the cards now.

But I know when it is not mine, it wouldnt be mine anyhow.

A sudden urge to listen to Sef's I miss him too.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Tell me, you received it, it makes you smile for a second, it is significant, you will keep it well.

Then I suddenly remembered, the Prince was your third gift to me, amongst a total of 4 in 3 years 7 months.

Then again I remembered, you created the significant of the Prince.

Thank you.

The more you keep something by your side, the more reluctant you are to send it (away).

I am so not used to not seeing that photo online.

The other day I was still trying to recall the name of that toiletries shop that-we-merely-wanted-to-take-shelter-from-the-warm-streets-but-ended-up-spending-time-looking-through-the-shelves-and-deciding-what-to-buy-and-which-flavour-exactly-and-how-much-to-buy.

Its, Boots.

Last night when I log on to blog, I wanted to say at l-e-a-s-t there was a reply. But I totally forget that thankfulness.

Without saying anything, Xiao Yang witnessed and overheard everything about Tian Jun and the other girl. Even knowing she has Zihang by her side, Xiao Yang remained rooted to her love. But reality is often divorced from what we wish.

I finally spotted my own mistake (read: to retify it). Smile.

[v2]

When Inbox(9) jumps to Inbox(11), I thought at least one would be from someone. Double disappointment. After 11 exchanges and 2 more sent, thats how long it lasted. Totally unlike those days when there is an email coming in the moment it was send.

Either we all grow up, or we grow closer, or we grow apart, or Eason's theory of no-choice. Or all of them. Four times the sadness.

Maybe I no longer want to believe in anything.

Because I dont know what is the truth, and what is not.

Now I need to think of postage. Wonder if its alright with jus a stamp. Argh.

Each time after that incident, I wondered a million more times if I would have been getting on better, if we no longer speak. Though a billion more times I think I like the friendship still. And a zillion times I thought it has changed beyond my recognition. Again a aullion time I thought maybe things would change. A bullion time later.... everything repeats itself.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if the more I hear from you, the more painful the words can be.

After almost 22 hours, some silly thinking that something bad might happened, someone finally said something. But with a "hey morning" which I am not sure how it sounded.

But I supposed it is an at-least.

See, you hate me now.

The more you hate me, the better.

715 said.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Dont think this way.

My eyes are puffy. Else, crying makes you feel as good as jogging.

I am a crybaby.

But, thanks for having a number that I know I can call, and thanks for listening.

Well, I tried to seriously think over the weekend, but I still hadnt come to a conclusion yet. I know my weakness, I am too scared of failures, I try to predict my future and I am too indecisive. While on one hand I said that you wouldnt understand, on the other hand, I wish I can talk to you about it. Maybe talking to you will make me more at peace with whatever decisions I made. Yet, I dont know how to ask, I dont know how to say.

I didnt know when it has become a need to even say Hi.

Do people get used to things that are beyond their control. Will I, in the future. And then I will be alright.

Because he no longer can understand, nor has the patience to listen, I am asking myself, what should I be doing. Torn between taking the CFA or to do research work. A critical influencing factor is- what my future will be like. Or at least, in which direction am I working towards my future. Argh. Argh. Argh.

I am still considering. Argh.

I know I must convince myself that this is what I want. Maybe at this point, I feel scared. I hope this gets sorted out over t-h-i-s weekend. Argh, but you know how dumb and indecisive I can get.

Another thing for me to work on is the design. Not much inspiration yet but I really hope to win it! Argh.

Post? Dont post?

The two worlds presented me with truths that I cant reconcile. Thats is why, I get upset, yet that is why I become angry. Upset is the world that went pass me, that I wanted to hold on. Angry is the world that is in front of me, that I refused to acknowledge. So I know, the world that I missed were over when I graduated. The world that I wanted to enter builds a wall to keep me away.

Brave new world, I give it another meaning. A million tries, I am still at a million and one. A million and two to stop a million and three.

In the new world, I want to say byebye.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Upset. Angry.

I tried.

Maybe, I should practice saying byebye instead.

The recent new additions...

The fact that I keep staying in the office (except because I'm aching from the monthly thingy), and staying at home show how serious I think my life is heading nowhere. I dont need to dedicate an entry on it too show its seriousness.

I am already finding out where to get the relevant course material and calculator for the examination. Will get down to registrating this weekend. 1/3 to the end shall then start soon...

Maybe its my illusion.

September's entertainment news, arguing over dim sum lunch which never went through, the la shoe, the curse, working from home, korea holiday, vest, korean stars, japanese cookies, entertainment guessing, the orchard shopping route, p&B, private sale, lunch-time lift, sharing of msn wallpaper, prince shin, podka craze, predicting of character, the Prince. October when we were preparing for vivo's opening, surfing korean websites, aunt in hospital, mirc problem... the chats went on throughout the day. Novemeber when we talked about someone else. December hardly recorded anything.

Are we saying byebye already.

Tell me there is nothing to cry about.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Still, I couldnt understand.

I am giving myself till (another) next week to consider a 10-months committment.

Suddenly I realised I have already made my first online purchases, so I am into the online-shopping category. How cool! I am starting to distance myself from retail shopping, spending more time with art & craft work and thinking over my soon-to-be-exams. I like it when life is filled with goals, hopes and creations.

I've completed uploading my BKK Travel Journal. Thinking about what WL told me in the day, hopefully by the time I run out of memories, I too will run out of the thought to think, energy to try, the time to cry. Follow the link SY's BKK Travel Journal , or find it among the list on the right.

Been listening to songs by this particular singer recently. How it sang, moving along a busy life, everything becomes unfamilar in the following year; how the past is nothing but reflecting back; were you happy before; how can others know; fate conceals any interaction; hiding need not any rivaling agendas; jus why the old pal cant become a lifetime friend; only yesterday's darling; we all have our own camps; we all knew life is about partings and yet why only you made me cry as I leave.

I didnt manage to find a transparent envelope, so ended up doing it myself. Which is easy and cool.

I dont know if its because I find it less meaningful to display it on my desk, or that its because I am influenced to believe it is more precious to have it display, and so its in the office cupboard.
I am not sure if it has lost its significance to be displayed or not.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
What do you think.

Some might remember the Graduation Journal that I have created and uploaded some time ago (though I didnt finish all of them). Thought of uploading them in this manner, so follow this link SY's Graduation 2006 , which is also among the list of links.

Been backing up my files. Already into Disc 4, for some apparently impossibly dumb project I supposed. To realise that maybe the memories would be whats left. It seems almost quite exhausting to create new experiences, thereby someday there would not even be memories left. What a way to get all this.

Plus the fact that I am listening to this song about how an excellent friend might change. The singer sang, moving along a busy life, everything becomes unfamilar in the following year. Sumiko talked about how she wouldnt eat the humble pie first for one of her longest friendships that turn tasty.

All these, and the rain, and the fact that later I will go see, are depressing.

554pm It didnt help.

534pm Totally sick.

Someone said its the first time seeing me use the black card. A smile.

I wrote the words and I almost couldnt contain my tears. The number 14th card.

320pm Sleeping
326pm Awake, online
347pm What should I do

I couldnt understand, totally.

Everything seemed reconstructed, if any was damaged in the first place. The lunch efforts especially. The meeting. The present. But jus cant talk?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
I jus couldnt understand.

Well they fit me! Especially the fur-like skirt that looks cool. *smucks*

Was so excited waiting for them and now that they are already here. Like said, from Day 1 when someone found the website and all we could do is view and drool on them. So waiting for the next round!

The saturday started off in almost an upsetting manner, with no confirmation of lunch yet. Stubborn me wouldnt ask a second time, the understanding me wouldnt ask a second time as well.

Fifteen minutes to 11, Meet at 1 in Orchard. I was half expecting a No, but not No without informing.

I sat in the bus looking at the present.

Fifteen minutes past 1, Why arent you here yet. Was asked to walk to Paragon for lunch. I spend the waiting time feeling upset even over the phone. That was almost fifteen minutes to 2. There are excuses but I didnt bother to convince myself they are the truth.

Still upset, I tried to appear at least less upsetting. Placed orders and in the midst of the conversation, I opened my bag, flipped the pages and trust the present across the table. I said something like its for your birthday.

The response came almost instantly, at least now that I recall. A random flip at first, then page by page. Only noticed it stopped at Mickey in gown page a little longer. The words that followed next were things I never hear before.

Someone said its touching, in a chirpy manner, not jus once. That the favor will be returned. The most significant being the two diaries. Every picture presents a shared experience. That it wouldnt be placed in the office, fearing that someone will tear a page off. Fearing that someone will write or draw something on it.

I asked, then whats the point for it. Its meant for you to use it.

I didnt say, I had mine in the office too. I didnt even say I had one.

But it wasnt jus that. It is precious to be used. I wouldnt use it. I will keep it as memory. Someone asked how much it costs. And which was done by me.

Give me a bag to put it inside, I dont want it scratch. I was about to pass a plastic bag over before someone found a bag to put it in.

Nothing much about it was subsequently mentioned.

~*~

I tried to imagine how it would be like. How the day would be. How we would be seated. How the conversation will be.

Because I didnt want it to be cast aside the instant it appear on the table, it came without a wrapper nor a bag.

~*~

So it was a short lunch. Where someone had to sit across the other side of the table, in a manner I dislike most. In Sushi Tei. In a manner I wish was back to the past.

Not jus efforts to meet up for a rush lunch.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Will we have lesser things to talk about.

Even that I didnt have anything I want to write in the birthday card, for the first time.

Some days can be quite a drama, but equally some days can be the learning lessons. But I am too tired to talk about what I hear, jus that I know I have quite a bit to reflect and act upon.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always giving way in all aspects of life. I thought I was the stubborn and wilful girl?

I am supposed to feel excited now, but as you can guess, "never expect" is the best learn lesson. Work hard but never expect. You taught me to remember this.

Though on a different note, I almost cried twice today. Once when asked if I am sad since one of a close colleague is shifting. Another time when I was in the bus and reflecting upon, because I know you will tell me, to take it one at a time.

The world has never tolerated the concept of "total". It might be my last time saying what I believe in, because you dont like me to hear them, let alone for me to believe in them.

I know you can understand me, right. Even if all you (we) can afford is over noodles. Even if we try to skip all these and concentrate on what we like and keeping our hopes hight. I know I need not say a word but you can understand everything, right. Even if all I do is see it but no longer live in the past. I know if I can, I will turn to you and cry out all and loudly. And, the best thing is, there is no total.

I didnt want someone to think that I will go over only with a free ride, so that explains why I didnt cancel despite having all meetings lined up. It was rush, but all were laughters when we saw the stars filming.

The thursday before, I gave up gym for wanna do lunch.

Because I missed gym, I had a made-up gym session on Monday and fell flat (and hard) on the moving ground.

This thursday, I gave up (again) gym for free for lunch tomorrow. Arranged it as I thought I have a free ride to (and back) Vivo during lunch. Took the train in the end, but with all the speed walking/ brisk running on low heels. Which I am not complaining, since life can be boring without such adventures once in a while. Plus the fact that if there is no offer for a free ride to Vivo I wouldnt even have asked someone (busy) for lunch. Which could be bad, or good.

So I supposed the speed walk and brisk run mean that I dont need to make-up for gym again?

And to think that I nearly fall down again.

The long day at work. But I am happier today, maybe because its a long day at work.

At work, someone told me something (honest) today. Which came as a slight shock, not because it was a new piece of theory, but because it was something that isnt so plain obvious that I need to admit its existence. Which can also be that I wanted to remain true to my belief, close to my upbringing. But I am happy that I am in sort appreciated, and that the words are kind, meant for the long term development.

I had been thinking of coke for many mornings already. Maybe tomorrow shall do one. There is no wanna do lunch, but free for lunch tomorrow.

Dont pray that everything will go one fine, nor expect.

Jus going to bed.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Free for lunch tomorrow.

Maybe it wasnt the first time, so it wasnt all that anticipative. But how can anything get anticipative when all I can do is limp there.

Totally tired, with or without the limping.

Maybe. Maybe the future is blur and uncertain. But the belief is clear and ever clear.

Maybe not.

And so the fall in the gym ended up with me in bruises and abrasions. Argh, its painful.

While we talked about trying to live in the present and be happy about that, as well as already having my noodles, I kept thinking about wanna go lunch. More tough times ahead?

Anyway whenever I can concentrate on doing work, thats something to be happy about.

I supposed I will get mine done early this week.

Anyway, I suddenly have another thought about the reason why you didnt think I should do it. Maybe because you, like others, didnt want me to try too hard. You wanted me to lead a easier life, or what-not. But I know I am stubborn. I probably would do it, and if I do, you wouldnt come to know, till I get them over successfully. But probably it was also because I was stubborn and I wouldnt talk if you dont talk.

Went especially to collect the photos that I send to develop. Something to decorate my desk. Then helped my sister print her lecture notes. Its the start of the second semester, dear all-who-wish-they-are-still-in-school. I love printing notes for her. *smucks*

It, is driving me crazy.

An afternoon of packing up, thats my achievement for today. Listening to a list of songs, that I listen to intensively when I came back from HK. Listening to it now brings back a strange familiarity.

The spaces that you have vacant, are filling up by you again, in a totally different manner though.

***
On a separate (happy) note

I was staring at 001555 early in the morning, wondering if Monday is a day to look forward to.

To realise it wasnt.

But all because, I was told to collect it today. *smucks*

I put down the phone and literally ran over to get it. A big smile when I saw it, because it looks really nice.

I like it. I am already imagining how it looks like on my desk when I get mine.

But more importantly, I hope it puts a bigger smile on you too. A bigger one.

My evil plot to scheme and thereby miss today's gym session had a different twist to the ending. Initially I manage to convince the lazy-me to go to the gym (read: though I wish something happened and I have a legitimate reason for skipping gym). Even convinced myself that I should go to the gym earlier (read: before 12 noon). If it had been later, or if I was earlier, and if I hadnt online.

At 11:41am, someone asked

wanna go lunch?

Perhaps because I was in utter shock, my reply was unstubbornly usual.

Today?

yeah
if u free...

As per always, someone got to choose where to eat. I am easy on that, knowing someone will sure knows where to go.

Ended up having sakae. The warm chawamushi is a welcome feel for the longest cold "war" (I mean there isnt another word for a peaceful war, is there). Though now that I reflect, we feel more like strangers than we look. Both in podka dots.

Will someone feel like it isnt worth it? Is there a reason why there is lunch? If it was for calming-the-soul, did I manage that?

Done with lunch, some people-watching, and a cup of drink for the someone. In the lightning speed of an hour.

Still feeling shocked, and maybe that is why I think I am going to be down with running nose/flu soon?

Till the, dont-know-when-if-there-is, next time.

The good old days that I love.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Till the, dont-know-when-if-there-is, next time.

Now I am wondering, how many of my postcards from Hainan Dao has not reached/ will not be reaching its destination. Ergh.

Can I ask.

I came home, with a big mail waiting for me to unwrap *smucks*

Thank you for the thought and the presents. Despite always sending cards and postcards (and getting excited over that though I realised that not everyone get excited over them), this is the first time I have received something so big and sincere in my mail. Yipee.

I have never thought of sending non-card stuff to my friends via this manner. Maybe I will soon get addicted to it? I mean I think sending things via this service is super duper cool. Who wouldnt get excited (ok I understand some people really wouldnt) seeing a big, brown package in their mail. And those dedicate moments before you carefully open the package. And putting your hand into the bag. Feeling the content, drawing it out from the bag till you set sight on it.

As I read your words.

Thank you.

From the Mobile

Having The Office in town and near to the shops allow me to run, and re-run errands during lunch time.

And now Serial Number 001555 is sitting by the flipping photo-of-the-day. Waiting to be collected by me, and waiting to be collected by its owner. I am preparing myself to be less stubborn on this matter. Plus the fact is, I should be learning to unlearn!

Anyway did I already mention. The Second Prince is done and sitting on the desk in my room. But I remain upset.

A time for short skirts...

Our Dec gathering was held at cineleisure over a three-hour singing session and a two-hour eating-and-talking session.

The last time I was in kbox must have been before I was in Year 3 Sem 2. I got irritated with the bidding system and so I went for a shopping thereapy and a singing session. Also at cineleisure, where I was even told what modules I have gotten over the phone.

This time round, we picked a mixture of new and old songs. Old songs are mainly my selection, since its a long time I was in a kbox. Some songs are picked, because they have always been picked. While I learn new songs too.

Conversation then revolved around the choice of our next gathering venue, one of the girls' new boyfriend, how the new year countdown went... Came home feeling sick from all the butter and fried flour.

But it totally irritates me that some people jus dont know how to pick up the phone. I shall start learning how to unlearn all such habits then.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
Some people.

To forget easily is a gift
let go of your old mistake

Arg.

Anyway, instead of thinking of how to quit coke (the drink), why hadnt someone found something that tastes as nice as coke, makes you as happier as when you drink coke and looks really nice in that can as coke?

Maybe I hadnt drink as much coke as I did in my year 4 thats why I wasnt that happy as before?

*smucks*

One of the things that I wanted to do during the long holiday break is to cycle, eat steamboat and ice cream at one of my favorite places for that. So I asked if he wanted to go, since its something we did during the holidays.

But anyway the long holiday is coming to an end.

There was no bicycles, no steamboat, no ice cream.

Which dear WL might be going with me for the best combination of steamboat and ice cream. Then shall see how's things with Zen for the cycle + steamboat + ice cream. Yipee in advance.

People talk about New Year resolutions but I think I make resolutions every other day? I suppose its my way in being a better me for every tomorrow that I have.

I mean its the same thing all over again. But as I rethink, a zillion times, maybe not having any memories will do me better. Because life doesnt come with a "if" tag, I can only look forward. I can only try. So lets give it a try. All without you.

Well you know it wouldnt be easy, so let this be jus the last platform till I am alright all over again?

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
All without you.

P/s-Jus heard a happy news from my friend. She knows who she is (we are on msn now) so Congrats. I am happy for you.

I am so lazy lazing at home.

I spent the early hours of 2007 watching TV and reading my blog. In particular the stuff that I do for Dec05 and Dec04. One year ago, I was preparing for my BKK trip. Two years ago, I checked my results from Topshop, Wisma. It sure was different. More importantly, I read about how much happier I was when I was doing my thesis, how much more independent I was..

Anyway when I saw your message, it was almost an hour later. I dont know why but a smile jus didnt surface. As though the words were cold, you appear more like a stranger in my life than my best friend.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
We wouldnt grow further apart, will we.