Doing my honors year

If there is only one big event of 2005, it has to be my decision of doing honors. Not surprising, study-related event makes it top on my very list.

It probably takes my best friend to tell me that indeed I have grown to become more independent. In fact, he highlighted that perhaps to me, the greatest reward of doing a thesis would have been character building rather than the degree. I mean, of course I hope the tangible benefits of having a second upper honors is beneficial during my process of finding a job. But I truly can see the intangible benefits on myself. I am less of a worrier. Because there are jus so many things on the please-worry list that I dont know where to start with. So I reckoned my brain and heart gave up on worrying. I am happier. Because each day, I told myself that tomorrow would be tough, shit-like and bad so I have to be happy today. Besides my body who smartly detected a lie somewhere (my body doesnt eat well, nor sleep well), I believe that mostly and those days were happy. I am still enjoying my current lifestyle, though it doesnt have much of a style to talk about. No longer were the days when I would rattle about my shopping adventures or social gatherings because they are all but rare indulgences for me. Now, I love the days hanging around at home (though it mean another low-productivity day), and even days hanging in the computer lab. Yes I know its not a very cool activity (in fact, its jus a very cold and freezing one), but it allows me to concentrate and work. Also, the strength working together on separate things with other year 4 in the computer lab (that is for the holidays only) is amazing. I didnt make many new friends but in the process I have found nice people and nice friends. Quality counts, not quantity, especially not for a lazy person like me. Lazy people like me dread the process of hi-my-name-is-siying-and-what-is-yours. I know I would have become more independent. Simply because there is no one there that I can rely on. But at the other end, I become reliance on other things also.

I reckoned why the process that I have gone through till now is much better is because of two main reasons. Firstly, I gone in with minimal or no expectations. I don?t know what to expect because I barely know anyone who had done a thesis before. I didnt expect much because my friends werent around so I know "fun" should have been a word eliminated out of my dictionary for the rest of the one year. And I didnt expect much also because its another year of studying and nothing else, I reckoned. I thought, since I know nothing else that I could do, returning back school to do a thesis is the next-best-alternative. Secondly, as much as my friends have all graduated, I appreciated whatever linkages between us. I thanked all the corresponding emails exchanged with JT, the text messages with JY, the encouragements from my dearest friends and of course my best friend. As much as sometimes I do get overwhelmed by your problems and eventually broke down in tears (and in turn need some consolations), often talking to you takes my mind off my thesis.

In fact, I would imagine the days ahead would still be tough. It made me cry. I can see that there would still be times that I would scream about how tough it is, how tired I am, or how much I am still crying over it. But all that, I am enjoying the process and what is left of it (pretty much 90 over days).

And yes, I do remember I cried after the first meeting with my supervisor. AM came all the way to have lunch with me in NUS. Subsequently there were two to three big outbreaks of tears.

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