Came home and had only two mouthful of dinner. Could be due to the heavy lunch and tea breaks. Could be due to tiredness (packed too much stuff over the past few days). Could also be due to the supression of my feelings leading to extreme tiredness. Showered and feeling less fatigued. Shall go to bed after this blog.

Maybe because I was hurt too often that I have become too prideful, thinking that I am right, that even I couldnt take it anymore. I guess I forgot what I wanted, what I can have and most importantly I forgot all about discipline. But today was really too emotional draining that I cant live it all over again.

I guess at least I have fulfilled the sort-of-promise I made and there will be no more reasons for me to do anything anymore. You like it and said would be nice to try if I learn to make it. I didnt want to say what it was because it was meant to be a surprise. Though it might not be that much of a surprise, but more of a plotting who-wins-who-give-in kind of thing to you after last friday, but I made it with all my heart. When my hands were screaming tired, I continued to chop everything into the most even ability I could. When my hands were screaming hot, I continued to put my heart into completing it. I took it to the most convenient way to pass it to you but I reckoned you remained firm to your complicated impression that I must be kicking a fuss, throwing a temper, cooking something terrible or simply immature to the fact that you are busy. It jus made me realised that all these whiles I have failed. I failed to change that impression and it is not any of your fault. I must be so to appear so. And after much of my tantrum, it seemed, you took it in the most jokingly manner. And nothing else. Nothing of any sort.

Please give up on me. Let me go. Please stop torturing me in your kindest manner. At least for a period till I can resume back to this.

I cried non-stop, as the dryer and loud music muffled my tears. I need a break from you. I have no idea how can I do so. Neither do I know how long can I be away, will I be away, if I am ever away.

I dont want all the happy memories to be wipe away by all these.

I am nothing so let me go.

***

In the most formal ever way to put across the message.

When I said it, all was offered was a I-cant-be-bothered tone.

1 missed call.

Another missed call.

Another missed call.

Still missed call.

A message.

Wait.

More waiting.

A I-am-very-busy tone wishing that you-shouldnt-bothered.

A show-up because I-had to.

***

It was nothing of your fault. It was me who was lost. I forget that this is not it should be.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today
There is nothing that I can talk to you already. Until I find my previous ability, there is nothing that I can talk to you already.

I can no longer call you freely. Because I didnt want to or I didnt know how to.