Monday remains to be the unfavourite day of the week for me, a traditional since last semester. Anyway today's lesson is better with the 45minutes class activity. I get to sit outside of the class and do some discussion.
The highlight of the day has to be lunch with JT at clementi. Helped her collect her stuff and had been some time since she graduated. Talked about how we knew our other common friends, about my HK trip (which got me all so excited) and whats keeping me so THE (i.e. the friday late night thingy). She was asking me why Mr YY is named so. ANyway we got excited talking about HK and had the unofficial agreement that if she wants to go HK next year, we can go together. Me, JY, SYJ and JT! Bet hotel nights would be fun and noisy! Anyway seemed like everything has to wait till I graduated, which seems like the main life goal now. Until then, I cant hang around with my friends as often as I like! So left out.
But sadness bit came after the day's highlight. After we parted, I sat on the bus and felt the aftermath of a good lunch chat. Once again reminded how left out and lonely I am now. Dislike school because it carries the air of unfamilarity and coldness in my heart. Each time I walked like a lost soul around the small campus, I feel so awake and sensitive that there is no one next to me, that I am alone and without friends. The feeling of having something (i.e. in this case friends) and losing them when they leave you is a bad feeling. All I can say is that people are animals of the habit. Even if it is loneliness and sadness, they get used to them. Numb to them. Shucks.
I tried to control my tears from welling in my eyes as I brave myself for more such days to come. There is already this internalised sadness in me, so much so that I cant smile and happy like I used to. I felt, and still feel, so unwanted, unwelcomed and unbelonged. All I wanted is to feel belonged, whether it is in environment or relationship.
If there is one thing I want to tell you today,
I will help you achieve happiness. And until then, I will leave.
posted by siying at 6:11 PM
3 Comments:
hi.. if you ever feel like meeting up for a meal, feel free to call me! i signed up for the ACCA classes.. dont ask me why.. [hmm]things really doesnt sound good on your side.. hang in there and take care.. nobody said life was a bed of roses and there are all kinds of pple out there. hope that you will be able to get thru this and emerge a stronger person!!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
hi jiatong, hope u checked this email :) got it from ur msn.
thanks the note you dropped :) i will hang in there... i know i am those stubborn type, even if i cry and fall, i will still stand up to prove to people who think i cant do it that they are wrong. i hope this stubborn character is determined enough to carry me through this one year, and the rest of life.
you know its really nice to have someone to lunch wif me and hear me rattle non-stop. thanks!!! i am the very emotional type! haha think the whole world can see!
i will, but i sure do look forward to after graduation when i can sit down without guilt and chat wif u non stop!
hey! its good... when u decide to sign up, must work hard k!! i will cheer u on!
Post a Comment
<< Home