Since Friday late night's episode, I barely could face myself calmly. I was rattling non-stop and thought of the best and only resort, that is to leave. Anyway after a night of whinning, I went back to reading Research Methods. A rather easy-to-read book, which surprises me to be my most favourite reading material of the semester. Maybe because it is easy to read, or maybe because it aids my thesis- writing. In between, I was poem- writing.

I woke up to a tiring saturday morning. Talked briefly to you and got on to doing a favour you wanted me to help. I dont remember a time in which I said NO. There is really nothing much yet I went to shower and cried. Silently yet so terribly, I cried. Till the water from my hair and my tears totally wet my face. I cant pinpoint one or two events that broke me down to tears. It is more like an accumulation of emotions. I jus know that I cannot deny you have once again
inflicted me with invisibly unmeasurable pain. I came out of the shower with swollen red eyes, trying to hid it from my mother. Which I dont know if she hadnt notice or hadnt said anything about it. You called again to talk about the favour that I have completed. But we talked abit about the-friday-late-night-episode. Only your words seem to make way into my brain. No one's else could. Everything in me seemed to calm down, including those bad emotions. Those unimportant things become even more unimportant. Finally I could give myself a smile again.
Once again, my life is scattered with your seemingly soothing presence and everything is back to more-than-normal.

Finally started on my much-needed thesis writing Page 1. 15th September Thursday seemed to loom over my brain-calendar too often for me to ignore already. 10th September Saturday faded back into the backdrop. I thanked God for the wonderful 21st Birthday party I had last year. I know fairy tales dont happen everyday nor every year. I guess the be-contented-lesson still works for me at this very moment.

Thesis Progress
7 working word documents on my screen
1 notepad WIP document on my screen
1 Adobe literature on my screen
3 file folders on my screen

For 15 sept 05 Thurs Meeting.doc is my main file. Splashed with pink and yellow highlights, black and blue font, everything remains under the required-massive-construction period. Not complaining though. I love hanging around at home, jus that the sleeping bug seems to hit me less often than I wish.

JY told me that the restaurant I recommended her (Cream Bistro, Pacific Plaza) is having a starhub promotion of sort. Wondering if to have my birthday dinner over there with my family and aunt. Wondered if I have the time by then. Wondered if I should go to Fraiser Suits Service Apartments for Japanese Food instead. Wonder, wonders and wondering. My dearest 22nd birthday is coming and leaving without you, again. My 3rd birthday with your presence yet absence.

Anyway suddenly thought of those birthdays celebrating with my sister and cousin WX. Their birthdays are two and six days from mine. We always shared a cake and do all the blowing-candles and food-feasting fun. Probably we can have something similar when WX is back. Didnt
even feel like he had gone overseas for a couple of years already. Feel closer to aunt than him already. Couldnt go on with my thesis. Reckoned it is fatigue. So I brushed my teeth and tried to go to bed. But tears kept me awake! You see, I heard May Day's Content over the radio and each sentence seems to bring about hurt and memories again. Okok I know you are sick of
this, but I am too. I am sick of talking how sad I am (trying to write more when I am happier) though I am not sick of thinking about you yet.

Then I took out my college photo album and realised that they are all fond memories. I guess its a good thing to always know that I was happy before, even if I am not happy now.

18days to 15th September Thursday (to meeting my supervisor)
13days to 10th September Thursday
??days to ??th ????????? ???????? to seeing you

Sunday went by super duper fast. Woke up and went to school for project discussion. Not used to working without you. Though I got along well with all 4 other guys (Mr YY should want to know that), I still prefer you. Anyone else is fine.

Went down to PS and realised that there is no tickets for the movie I desperately wanted to watch (ever since coming back from HK). Then the two 38s actually werent so keen on watching but came down anyway, jus to gather together. Even asked ND to ask Lido if there are any
tickets left and my dear 38s didnt want to go there. So ended up whinning to ND over the phone while they decided to eat at Cafe Cartel. SL came down to join us too. Anyway this girls' night is long over due.

Conversations revolved around Project Superstars (everyone seems to know someone in the competition, how THE!), my HK trip (wasnt a deliberate topic but ya those girls were all excited about it), about you again (you are such a big part of my life, to such an extent) and the girls' love life (all started by GE). Of course, I ended up with the "normal, as per usual" answer. It didnt really satisfy anyone still. You revolved about much of their questions but I had nothing to say.

If there is one thing I want to tell you today,
this has gone to a point where I am used to feeling the pain and loneliness. Yet I know you are healing from it too.